I vow to not be bitter or stingy. I won’t lose my temper in black ink. Surprisingly, I have not hand any episodes in awhile now. Not any really since I met her. I met her in such a cliche way of not being able to find the nearest restroom. I was wondering for what seemed like hours but was like five minutes. After her finally pointing to a sign I had passed twelve times, she laughed and I couldn’t move. My feet were in concrete. I never really believed in this “first sight, first love” thing. Honestly, I thought it was complete bulls***. I probably was the one who found themselves in love, not her. Right then I was just some goof to her. Still am. She sat down next to me ten minutes later and I guess the rest if obvious.
I was terrified after days of texting her for her to find out every small quirk you already knew. Even now though, the ones that annoy her are because they are silly, not a chore to put up with. The one time that I began to isolate myself, like I did so many times beforehand, she didn’t allow it. “Everyone needs space and I get that but I know you will lose yourself without help and I can’t afford to lose you” she said. Even the three weeks we didn’t see each other because of school and work she still wouldn’t let me fall asleep without me saying something, anything to her to make myself present. She refused to let me become vacant.
When we go out you wouldn’t know we were together. We don’t hold hands unless it’s on walks and at clothing and book stores, we separate because we both like our own things. At the book store, we will find each other when we find something the one likes other than that, we sit on the floors of isles next to each other sometimes and read silently.
I played her my favorite song on guitar the other day. She’s the only person in three years to see me play in person. I don’t know why or how she managed that. Our nights together have been soft. We both don’t mind the space in the sheets but somehow always ended folded up in each other. My shoulders were never a problem to her.
She kisses me first sometimes.
Our future together never exceeds the following Sunday because we both have lives. We talk about an apartment together in a minimum of three years, when we will both be more settled into college. Sometimes we go days without seeing each other but when I have the free five minutes, I’ll call. Sometimes if she’s with her friends, she won’t answer. I sometimes do the same. We aren’t the “friend who is in a relationship” people. If it’s urgent, we let each other know. If not, just text an “I’ll call you when I get free."
This isn’t bitter. This is not about what you did wrong and what she does right. I did a lot wrong as well. I didn’t give enough. Being with her makes me realize you give what you can with that person. This is about how love can be completely opposite of what you know. You asked once what was wrong with us, that was just it. We weren’t meant to be an "us.”