I choose the ideal day
Or what is really night
For what I am about to do
The wind is pulling my hair across my face
The rain, the sleet makes my clothes stick close to my body
The only light on this desolate bridge is the one which hangs above me
Keeping me company in my last hours

There is a razor in my pocket; I leave it where it sits
Crouching the edge digs into my thigh
The sky is dark, and the water is gleaming black poison, either way I jump it will be black
Wherever I end up

Griping the wire cables I teeter on the edge
The slippery metal beneath my tennis shoes threatens to throw me over before I am ready
Sitting down the water soaks into my jeans

I feel warm salt water mingle with the cold droplets already on my face
It is now that I become all too aware that I am crying
My confidence falters
Do I really want to leave?

Pulling off my sweater I fold it neatly and place it on the edge, next my shoes which I put side by side
My ring, I tie it to the shoelace

I need to be methodical, ceremonial, keep my mind away from dangerous topics
They told me they were happier without me
I believe them; all I want is for them to be happy

My fingers burn with cold and are stiff when I try to undo the buttons on my flannel shirt,
I get only the first button undone before violently yank it over my head
The buttons catch my hair and yank it out
Red and golden hues of hair fall into the water
Another flood of salty tears saturate my face

No one says this is hard
It’s only the release I want
It’s only what comes next that I want

I fall backwards and sit on the pavement, a lump forming on my head from the hard concrete
There is a figure walking towards me, through the rain
It’s him, he wasn’t supposed to come
He will ruin everything
His eyes say it all, pleading me to go home, to not leave
But I can’t obey

Standing I know exactly what I will do
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him soundly, all the while moving backwards
Surprise and then relief and joy spread across his face, feeling the railing behind me, at my waist I know it’s time

“Goodbye,” I whisper into his ear “I’m sorry,” I say leaning back, his arms catch me and hold me in place
“I’m not ready for Goodbyes at seventeen and I don’t believe in being sorry.” He whispered back into my ear as he moved away from the railing, he kissed my nose
His breath warm and comforting
“Would you believe me if I said it would kill me if you did this, that I love you?” he whispered back, my eyes turn away and widen,
He would never say that if this weren’t the setting
“Emily,” he says, I look up at him and slowly shake my head
This is too much
He takes my cheeks firmly in his hands and moves my head to a nod and smiles
“Would you really leave us all alone without you? If you jump now I won’t be there waiting for you, you will really be alone. Here though” he said placing my hand over his heart “I am real, I am tangible.” He looks into my eyes; I press my face into his chest and cry
This was supposed to be my night
But he stole it
And now I know I will never love him any more than I did at that moment

The moment he showed me how to choose life over death