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Who do I Want to be?
“Who do you want to be?”
It’s such a simple question
And yet
Such a simple question
Can turn into a panic attack
In a matter of seconds
“Who do you want to be?”
It’s so simple
But the emotions that follow aren’t;
Sometimes it's the ones we can’t exactly place
Sometimes it’s not even emotions
Sometimes its memories
Of who we don’t want to be
But that’s not the question
The question is:
“Who do you want to be?”
Do I even know if I am I?
If I can’t identify what is myself and a simulation,
How am i to identify right path
From wrong path
How would she know who I wants to be if she doesn’t know
Who is I?
Who is the person she sees in the mirror every morning
Because that is certainly not her
But she is that same person when I feels her best and she’s confident
And she feel like yourself
But if that’s so
Then how is she not I?
“Who do you want to be?’
She would like to know who is “I”
Therefore she decides who I wants to be
Is it the I that is almost 200 days clean?
or is it the I that comes out at night when her brain is clouded by anxiety?
Is I the person you see confidently roaming the halls like she has no care in the world
or is I the person you don’t see sobbing in the sheets at night because I lost everything?
Before she can figure out who I wants to be
She needs to figure out who I really is
For all we know
I is a self confident, smart, beautiful young girl who is strong and capable
But for all I knows
I is a sad, flawed, stupid girl who is never going anywhere except back to her bed to escape
So if she could figure out who I is,
then maybe I could answer the question:
“Who do I want to be?’
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This is a poem I wrote about derealization.