I am an outsider.

Everyday it feels like there are people who constantly exclude me. I don’t have a niche. I don’t have a friend group. No one to call my best friend. I have a couple of close ones. But that’s not a friend group if they don’t hangout with each other.

Cause there’s a stoner, a drinker, an engineer, a future pastor, a disappointment, a kid genius, and a gymnast.

What is there in common?

I guess I could have them all over but would they actually come. That’s the million dollar question.

Could do something with them to kick off summer. That’d be fun.

Yet.

Would they actually come?

The stoner and drinker play football, so they’re friends. The engineer is friends with me from soccer. The future pastor and kid genius both play hockey together. The disappointment and gymnast eat lunch together.

How do I bring these seven people together who seemingly have nothing in common? Except for the fact that they’re all friends with me. I could use myself as somebody in common.

Have a summer party in my basement. Stay in and play video games. Or go to a movie. A baseball game. A festival. Something.

Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. I’ve been trying to figure out how to connect people to me when it’s simple.

I’m the one that can bring them together.

But what if this doesn’t work? How will I be happy? How do I change? Cause there’s clearly something wrong with me. I shouldn’t be reliant on others for my happiness.

I need to become a better me without changing who I am. I don’t want to be alone while I go on this journey. I don’t want to be alone.

Depression is what you feel when you don’t care about anything. I don’t care about school anymore so check.

Anxiety is what you feel when you care too much about something. I care too much about my lack of quality friends, my mediocre athletic ability, and my mediocre background.

Life has become hell. I’ve been too focused on other things that school has lost importance and significance in my life.

I go from being made fun of at school to being average after school at sports.

I need a break.

This summer will help with that.

I’ll get a break from the bullying every single day. From the toxic ex that insists on being a part of my life. And won’t stay out. I’ll get a break from everything and everyone.

Focus on the things that you love, they say.

But I don’t have the motivation to.

So how do I find that motivation? To do the hard work? To dig deep down? To grind it out?

Are girls my motivation?

I seem to like them a lot.

But they just bring pain and suffering.

There is this one. But I think it’s a lost cause. She lives 400 miles away and I already hurt her. But I think about her constantly.

24/7, 365.

The wind in my sails. The extra strength to finish a set. 

I see her brilliantly blue, green eyes. You can practically see the waves in them. The exact same color as the Atlantic. 

I see her brown, dirt colored, curly, messy, explosion of hair that flows down her head. 

I see her smile that could charm the spots off of a jaguar in the deep of the Amazon. 

I see the way she treats her nephew and I just want that to be our kid. 

That’s what I see when times get tough. So that’s my motivation

I’m going to let those shape me.

The new me.

The better me.

That’s how I’ll be happy.