I want to be happy

But, all I see is sadness and deep despair

I just can’t bring myself to be happy

I feel suffocated

Shameful

On paper I’m perfect

Average

I have a good

Mom, dad, sisters, family

I have friends and loved ones

Around me

But, all I can feel is sadness

I feel a burden on my shoulders that gets

Heavier by the minute

A burden that I can’t let go

It pushes me to the ground

And I can’t get myself up

I’m in a hole that I can’t climb out of

I can’t care about myself

Yet I care about him, her

Everyone but not me

They tell me to

“Go for a walk, do yoga, talk about it, take medicine”

But this can’t be fixed with medicine or yoga

This is just a constant battle I have to face

Day in and day out

It’s a sickness that affects every part of me

My school life

My family life

My personal life

My friend life

And to this day

I try to explain but, i’m met with blind hesitation

I wake up every morning and feel horrible

Some days it’ll go away

Others it stays by my side

Others ask me why I’m so sad

All I can say is

“I don’t know”

I build walls

So I can protect others and myself

Form getting hurt

The walls are so high that

You’ll never be able to see over them

My pain or thoughts

I create a character

She is

Perfect

She is amazing

So I live these two lives

One for the public which is perfect

And one for me late at night

Which is broken

Cracked all over

All this eats me up

Daily and I have a hard time telling others

Tell others that

A part of me gets taken away

That I cry every night

Worried that I won’t be accepted

Worried that I’ll be that kid

in the corner of the room

That everyone ignores

I put up with

Anxiety, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, heartbreak

Everything horrible

But I can’t tell anyone about it because

I’m scared

Scared of hurting them

And that is my explanation

Of who and why I am me