Stacy
April 5
I’m lonely… I want to talk to someone, but it feels like nobody is there. Like I’m the only human in the world.

I wake up in a daze. My stomach hurts. But I get up anyway. I put on clothes and walk out the door. I think about when I was younger. I must have had many friends then. Right? Then it pops in my mind that I never really had friends when I was younger. Everyone thought I was weird. My only friend was… Mom. I shake my head. Don’t think about her.
I try not to and think hard... I must have had one friend.
I was 8... Someone in school had thrown dirt at me. One of the older kids.
“What are you going to do?” The boy yelled “Cry? Go to your Mommy? You’re such a little girl!”
I did cry. I cried in the girl’s bathroom. Because I felt better in there then the boys one.
When I had calmed down, I heard a knock...
“Are you okay?”
I peeked through the stall and saw a girl my age staring back at me.
I wiped my face and whispered.
“Yes...”
We must’ve become friends after that right?
I can’t remember…
Maybe I should talk about this with someone.
Oh wait… I don't have anyone to talk with.

When I walked to the janitor’s closet today, I saw this girl watching me.
When I opened the door, she yelled
"Hello there!"

Chris
April 5
I keep thinking about those other trans kids. It makes me wonder. Should I get a binder? I feel like I should. I'll check around the internet and see if I can order one without my mom finding out.

I texted Ella back and told her I wasn't feeling well. That opened a whole weird awkward question that I don't want to talk about.
So, when I met her at school today, she was talking about the festival.
"Do you think they will slip alcohol in the punch again?" Ella asks
"Yeah I'm pretty sure they will."
"Then I can't drink punch then."
This is a whole thing. Ella always says she won't, but the minute the party starts. She's drinking way too much punch. Then she throws up on almost everyone. It's a… what would I call it? Tradition.
On the other hand. I drink punch too just not enough to impair my judgement. Can't tell anyone I'm trans. Especially when I'm drunk.
"I think you should date Daniel Gibson."
Wow… big topic change.
"N."
"Why?" Ella whines. "He's so... Hot... He's perfect for you"
"No."
"But—"
"No, I'm not going to date him. So, stop asking about it!" I yell
Ella’s eyes go wide. Then she nodded like she gets it.
Oh my god she thinks... oh god.

Stacy
April 5
I've been thinking about talking to someone.
But I don't feel up to it. Like what if they think I'm mean, and what about my dad. What about my dad!

Would it be crazy if I'm in someone else's house right now?
I met this girl, her name is Sandra. Sandra is a short brown-haired girl with the edges dyed purple. And guess what? Turns out Sandra is that girl from the bathroom stall. After we met, she said that she remembers meeting me… and asked about it.
“Why were you crying in the girl’s bathroom when we were younger?” Sandra asked, “Most boys your age at the time would not even be in the girl’s bathroom… and you were crying too.
"I…”
Pause.
“Should I tell her?”
"Come on spit it out!"
"I’m a girl…"
Silence.
"What!?"

Chris
April 5
I don't like my mom calling me Penelope. It makes me feel like I'm lying by letting her call me that. It's just not the name I want. I need to tell her!

After school I go bowling with my mom. The bowling alley that we go to has some kind of retro theme, so everything is bright and flashing. It makes it hard to throw the ball straight
"Ohhh strike!" Mom yells. "Try to beat that Penny!"
I sigh and grab a green ball.
The score is. I don't know. I don't really care.
I ordered a binder. It's supposed to arrive on the seventh. I used a gift card. It's cheap but it's supposed to be in good condition.
I throw the ball. It goes straight in the gutter.
"Oh look! Penny the food is here!"
I walk over, grab a slice of pizza and put it on the plates that Mom put down.
Mom is talking about this thing she's doing.
I'm zoning out.
"And this person at work. Their transgender and—"
“Wait what?”
“Transgender?”
"Did you say their transgender?"
"Yes. Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah I do. Just asking."
Then my mom went to another topic and I tuned out of that.
I'm so excited for the binder to arrive.
I can't wait for it.
I want to touch it now.
God, I’m so impatient.

Stacy
April 5
It seems that I must have made a mistake. Telling Sandra. Maybe it's just my nerves. But I can't believe she would hurt me. If she did, I would want to die.

"So, you’re a girl?" Sandra asked, eyes wide.
"Yes…"
"Do you… like dress as a boy for some reason?” Sandra inquired
"Because I have to, and I don’t have any girl clothes.”
"Wait I’m confused." Sandra said, “Are you a boy who wants to dress like a girl or a girl who dresses like a boy? Or none of those?”
"The first one?”
"So, you like wearing girls’ clothes… Why," Sandra inquired
"Well it feels right." I explained "Like... I feel like a girl."
"So, your transgender?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"So, what pronouns do you want me to call you." Sandra asked, "Did you pick a name yet?"
"Well... Girl ones. I don't know much about pronouns. But I did figure out a name. Stacy."
"Oh my god." Sandra beams "Stacy, you’ve got such a beautiful name!"
She called me Stacy! “Ohhhh my goodness. Am I blushing? I feel like I'm blushing. I love it. I love it!“
I squeal "You called me Stacy!"
“Am I crying?”
"Stacy, you're tearing up."
"You called me Stacy again!" I gushed, tears dripping from my eyes.
Chris
April 5
I don't know what to do. I haven't told anyone. And I want to tell my mom! I feel like I should tell someone. But who?

When we get home from the bowling alley. Mom has won and I am exhausted. I head straight for my room and start doing homework.

I get through my homework fast and start reading articles.
While I'm reading one my mom knocks on my door.
"Come in." I say shutting off my computer.
Mom comes in slowly.
"Hey, Penny. I just wanted to ask if you’re doing okay?
This is it! The perfect chance to tell her.
"Uhh..."
Ding
"Wait hold that thought." Mom picks up the phone and starts talking to a coworker.
I sigh, I messed up my perfect chance of coming out!
“At least my binder will come in a couple of days.
Oh right! My binder will come in a couple of days.”
“Yes!”
My mom leaves the room.
“Wait till Mom finishes her call. Then tell her.”
I wait for my mom to come back. But she doesn't.

Stacy
April 6
Is it weird that I'm happy right now! It seems like I haven't been happy for so long! Sandra is the best! Oh my gosh I love this!!!

So, I became friends with Sandra. I was lonely and Sandra was lonely too. She has both of her parents and always has food in her house. Like she eats three meals a day! Not just one! I must have a rich friend. She randomly invited me over yesterday and I told her about being transgender.
She was super okay with it. She even asked about giving me some of her clothes! Rich people clothes! Not clothes with holes and bleach stains. Not broken heeled shoes. Not tight fit clothes. Perfect clothes! Earlier she had called me Stacy! Not Jack! Not Jack the lonely guy. Stacy the energetic beautiful maiden! Did I just say maiden? I meant gorgeous girl! Sandra is awesome!
But I don't get why she's lonely.
She says it's because people say she's too forward. I don't know. She doesn't seem forward to me.
After I told her, her mom came home, and I had to sneak out of the window. Even though I didn't do anything wrong. It seemed weird to me. Maybe that's what you do with friends in high school?

I get up and run to my dad's room. Dad always leaves a stack of cash in his locked bedside table. Good thing I know the combination.
Or at least I thought I did…
He must’ve changed it...

Chris
April 6
Today is very boring, everything feels gray. Today's Thursday. I can't wait for Friday. There's cold wind and hot sun.

I wake up, get clothes on and leave the house. Quickly without my mom seeing me. I don't want to talk right now. My mind is sensitive right now.
"Hello Penelope!"
I look over and see Ella. Of course.
Dontcallmepenelopedontcallmepenelopedontcallmepenelope
"Don't call me Penelope!" I snap.
"What do I call you then?"
This is the perfect chance to tell her!
But what if she hates you.
What if she tells everyone?
What if she hates you for the rest of your life?
"Never mind," I push past her.

I walk to lunch and sit down next to Macy and Ella.
I don't look at them.
Their having a conversation about The Melody Festival again.
That stupid festival.
"You actually got the ok for dyeing the grass?" Ella asks
"Yep. It was a surprise!" Macy stated, "I didn't think they would say yes!"
"Hey Penelope."
My head snaps up.
"Are you going to go with us to the Melody Party tomorrow?" Macy asks.
“Oh, right the party is tomorrow.”

Stacy
April 6
I have a question? If I like girls and boys and I'm transgender. Does that make me bisexual? Or pansexual? This is confusing...

I skipped school today. To hang out with Sandra.
We spent most of the day trying on her clothes. Rich clothes!
We also went downstairs and watched a movie. By the end I was crying. And Sandra was crying.

"Do you want to try something?" Sandra looks at me expectantly.
We're in her room. Laying down on her bed.
"Sure, what is it?" I ask sitting up.
"Do you want me to put makeup on you?"
My eyes go wide. "Yes!"
So that's what we do.
First, Sandra applies some foundation, some eyeliner and lots more stuff to my face. I put on lipstick and She paints my nails. After I wait for them to dry, Sandra finally says
"You're ready."
"Can I look?!" I say bobbing up and down.
"Wait a second," Sandra rummages around and gets a hand-held mirror. When I see my face, I see beautiful gorgeous Stacy!
"Oh my god I love it."

Chris
April 6
I can't believe this. I hate this feeling. I don't want to get up. I just… I don't want to go to that party. But I know I have too.

The party starts at five, right after school ends then goes right until 12:00.
I pick an outfit for tomorrow.
A blue t-shirt, jeans and flip-flops. I learned to wear flip-flops since last year. When someone threw up on my good shoes.
My binder is coming tomorrow. Same day as the party.
I have this question that pops into my head every now and then. What if I was born a boy;
Would anything change other than my body?
Would my mom change?
Would my dad not have died?
Would I be happy?
These questions fill my head.
I ignore the third one.
I don't want to talk about it.
I think about my mom.
She's at work right now.
I've never seen my mom cry. Not even once.
Maybe she just does it when I can't see her.
But I think that she's still mourning dad.
No.
Stop thinking about that.
You'll start crying if you do.
Don't think about your dad.
Don't think about the big bear hugs he gave you.

Stacy
April 6
Am I weird to think that I've never felt love? Will I get to love? Being the way, I am? I don't exactly know. But I hope I will.

"The Melody Festival!?" I yell.
"Yeah you haven't heard of it. It's this big party tomorrow then like a debate a couple days after. Some kid always slips alcohol into the punch, so everyone is drunk. Those have been the best times of my life. Nobody worries about looks if their drunk enough." Sandra says with a wistful look in her eyes.
I wait for her to snap out of her trance.
"So, you really haven't heard of it!?"
"No, I haven't. Is everyone invited?"
"Yeah pretty much."
“This is awesome I want to go!”
"Yay" I jump up and down.
"I love your enthusiasm but you kind of have to go now. My mom will be here any minute now.” Sandra states “Don't forget to wash off the makeup!"
"Oh... Okay." I get up and go to the bathroom.
I start wiping off the makeup with the wipes.
I look at my nails. Their red.
"How do I…." I stop.
I don't want to take it off.
"What?" Sandra peeks her head in.
"Never mind!" I say.
"Ok... My mom's car is pulling up. So, hurry!" I wipe my face harder and faster. It surprises me when I see my face.

Chris
April 6
I won't get up. I won't eat. Maybe I should just stop eating. And just lay down in the dark forever. So, nothing can bother me when I'm dead. My head is full of memories of him.

So, the Melody Party's tomorrow. It has lots of history. Starting from when Melody Nagamine herself got drunk while still writing another essay— It was a very weird one—. So, it’s an annual thing. Every year the school hosts a party in their outdoor field, every year some guy puts alcohol into the punch, and every year the teachers dump the punch out after noticing the drunk students. There are some rumors about the punch. Like it's not a student but a teacher who puts alcohol into the punch. Or that an old senior sneaks in and does it. There are many rumors but maybe all of them aren’t true.

My mom comes in and is holding chicken nuggets from McDonald's. Which is rare by itself. She must know I'm feeling pretty bad.
"Hey Penny... Are you okay?" Mom leans over me. "Ella told me..."
“Don't lie. Don't lie.”
"I'm okay just a little sick."
“You lied. You just lied to your mom. How do you feel now?”
I look at the chicken nuggets. It looks so good.
I grab the box. I can already see myself devouring the nuggets.
My stomach growls. I grab my stomach.
"Maybe you’re just a little hungry?"
“Yeah maybe I am.”
I grab a nugget and shove it in my mouth.

Stacy
April 7
“Life is better lived as who you are, then who you are not” Stacy, 2016. I made my own quote! I think it sounds very intelligent! Like I'm some old rich girl in a tower writing poetry.

I've been thinking about wearing makeup and a dress to the party, but Sandra doesn't seem to think that's a good idea.
I met her at my locker and told her my idea and she told me:
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Sandra states "Transgender people have been hurt a lot for being themselves."
To that I said.
"But why?"
And she shrugged.
It's makes me think. “Why do people act that way?”
I need to focus. I'm in class.

Is it weird that I only know one person in my own school? It seems like everyone else is just a blur. Background noise just there. Anyway, it’s lunch and I'm sitting in the janitor’s closet, with Sandra.
“I won’t be able to go to the party.”
“Why,” I asked,
“My parents want me to go on a trip with them.” Sandra replied “For some family ‘bonding’”
I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn't wear a dress to the party. But I really want too.
"I think you shouldn't do it." Sandra says
"Huh..."
"I think you shouldn't wear the dress." Sandra repeats "You'll endanger yourself."
But…
I really want too...

Chris
April 7
The package is coming today. I'm feeling a little better and I think I'm going to the Melody Party today. Maybe I'll meet one of those other trans kids at the party. But I doubt it.

I didn't feel like going to school today, but Mom made me go anyway. I groan and slam my locker shut and go to the cafeteria.
I walk over to Macy and... Ella is not at the table.
"Hey Macy." I wave.
"Hi Penelope."
Macy is a cliché, she's basically a mean girl just without the ice-cold meanness. She's on the cheerleading squad and is head of the student committee. The real mean girl is Linda. Now she is ice cold. Macy is like Linda's nicer twin sister even though they're not twins... Or sisters… Linda is the kind of mean girl who finds someone who is not normal—like me— and makes their life horrible. Tries to take the love of their life from them. Horrible stuff. Sometimes I wonder who could be the trans kids in this school. I know I'm one and that's it. I don't think Macy is trans. Or Ella. I don't know anyone else. It's like everyone else in this school is just background noise. Nothing at all that you notice but it's still there. I need to meet new people. Maybe if I tell someone they could help me with finding everyone.
"Hey Macy?"
"Yeah?" Macy looks over.
“Should I tell her?”
"I.."
No don't tell someone else. Macy won't get it.
"Never mind."

Stacy
April 7
I'm feeling weird… like sad and happy at the same time. Do you think that's possible? I don't know, it doesn't sound possible. To feel opposites at the same time.

I'm watching Sandra get in her parents’ car. As her Mom hits the gas Sandra rolls down the windows.
"Stacy! Believe in yourself. Find someone else to talk to. Someone you trust. I’ll be back the day before the Melody Speech!" Sandra does a peace sign —"Good luck!"— and drives away. It's about 4:30 so I head home. I must find the perfect outfit.

It's 5:30 and I finally found it. Not too boyish but a little more girly. A t-shirt that says, “I look good, don't I?” and some dirty jeans. I walk back. The walk there is about ten minutes long so I get there at 5:40. I can hear the bass of the music from the front of the school. I head around to the outdoor area to find that the grass is light yellow. Huh, it really complements the pink streamers that have been placed around on poles. The big bowl of punch is in the center and there's food near the edges of the stands. There’re so many people. Just like one big organism—word of the day— dancing together. I walk to the punch, grab a cup and get some punch. I take a sip. It burns the back of my throat. I guess Sandra was right about the punch having alcohol in it.
There's this girl being pulled off the punch table. She's screaming “no!!!” while two girls are pulling her away. She must've drunk a lot of the punch already.
I'm looking at this happening and one of the girls lock eyes with me.

Chris
April 7
I'm going to the party. The package says it was delayed. I'm feeling annoyed. Maybe I should drink a little extra punch this time.

I got to the party early to set up, but when I got there it was already set up and guess what. The punch was in these big bottles and I tried some. It had alcohol in it! So, it’s either packaged that way or someone is pouring alcohol into the bottles somehow. I suspect the first one. I waited until people started coming in. The music started blasting, and everyone was dancing.
It's around 5:44 and Ella's hugging the punch table. I walk over to Macy who's getting some food.
"Can you help me get Ella away from the punch?" I say
"Sure." Macy walks over with me.
Ella seems already really drunk.
"Ella." Macy grabs Ella's hand "You've had enough punch."
"No, I haven't." Ella slurs—nu uh I haveeeent—.
"Come on," Macy pulls on Ella " Penelope help me."
I grab Ella's other hand and start pulling.
"Ella come on." Macy pulls harder, slowly moving her away.
"Noo" Ella whines.
I look around. Is everyone watching this happen?
No nobody. Oh wait. Some tall guy is staring at us.
Weird. I let go of Ella's hand and get some punch.
I start sipping it.
Macy's basically dragging Ella away. I walk over to the guy. I feel like I’m... I don't know. It's like I feel like I should go talk to him.
"Hello." I say, sipping punch.
Stacy
April 7
The girl is walking over.
"Hello."
"Hi," I say in a high-pitched voice.
The girl looks at me weird. I must be really drunk. I drank two cups already.
"So… how are you." My voice cracks. Movies are different than real life. In that movie I watched with Sandra the person says 'how are you' in a confident voice. I don't know how to do that.
"Good. Good." The girl gets more punch since we're right next to the table. I get some too.

I feel lighter… weird right? I've drank like six cups of the punch. I can't really think straight. I can't see straight either.
I've sat down with the girl and we're talking about the school.
"Isn't it weird that we get Melody Nagamine. Not some war hero?" She slurs in between sips.
"Yeah, where's the girl who fought for equality?" I spit
"We don't have one in this school." She mumbles "it's weird that most of our school is just normal except the two percent who are trans.."
"What do you mean?" I garble. What. Do you mean.
"Two percent of students in high school are transgender."
"And I'm the two percent."
"Really! Me too." I knock over my drink.
"Oh, that’s cool." She —"he?”— says “do you think we should tell anyone?"
I. have. a. idea.
"I have an idea." I mumble

Chris
April 8
I feel terrible. My binder is here today, and I feel tired and just bad. This is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt.

What is happening. I checked my phone and got a blast of reminders. —CHECK AUDIO RECORDING —CHECK AUDIO RECORDING —CHECK AUDIO RECORDING — CHECK AUDIO RECORDING.
So, I did what it said. I saw over a million. But after scrolling through only three looked important.
I start listening to the first one.

Music is blasting in the background. I hear my voice trying to shout over the music.
"I threw a wish in the well don't ask me I'll never tell "
I groan. Oh why.
A deeper voice joins in
"I looked at you as it fell and now, you're in my way "
Then I belt out
" I'd trade my soul for a wish pennies and dimes for a kiss "
The audio clip stops.
That was weird. Who was I singing with?
I look at my phone for a bit.
“Did I get too drunk?”
“Did I tell anyone?”
I hope not.
I really hope not.

Stacy
April 8
I feel like a car hit me. How did I get back home? I have a headache.
I don't know what happened last night.

I get up and look through my phone.
Nothing only a new number listed as: Chrissss
Ok... I open the chat box.
Empty.
I get up and walk to the kitchen.
I look through the cabinets.
Empty. Empty. Still empty.
“What am I going to eat?” I don't think I can survive three days without food again. My head aches and for a second, I remember something. "You know Stacy. I thought I would never find someone like me."
Oh no...
I told someone.
I told someone my name.
That must be who Chris is.
I walk outside.
It's a damp kind of day.
So, I walk right back inside.
I start pacing back and forth.
“What did I do?”
“What did I do...?”
Wait... Sandra told me to find someone.
But I don't know anything about this person.
I only know their name.
Chris
April 8
I think I may have drunk a little too much. I don't remember anything. And all I have is audio recordings that I did.

I listen to the second one.
There's no music in the background so I must be inside.
"Ok you have to listen to this." I slur
"Chris... Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
The deeper voice pauses.
"Because he couldn’t see himself doing it."
"Oh my god." I start laughing. "You know Stacy... I thought I would never find someone like me."
"Yeah me too."
I started crying.
The deeper voice too.

I listen to the final one.
No music.
"Chris." The deeper voice mumbles
"Yeah Stacy?"
"What does trans mean?"
I paused for a while.
"It's just transgender shortened."
"So, then I could say I'm trans."
"Yeah and I could say I'm trans too."

Oh no.
I told someone.
I drank way too much.

Stacy
April 8
I need to think. I don't know who I told. But I have their number.
I could call them and ask them who they are? Maybe I'll do that.

I click on the 'Chrisss' contact and call them.

"Hello?"
"Hi" “Chrisss” says. "Are you Stacy?"
"Yeah."
"So, my drunk-self gave me notes on what happened."
"Oh... I should've thought of that."
"Yeah there very... anyway, we apparently we signed up for the Melody speech."
"What's the Melody speech?" I ask.
"It's where students pick a topic and they talk about it. Any topic so we chose being transgender as a topic."
Oh no.
"Are we going to do it?"
"Well... it's really our choice." “Chrisss” says "in my opinion I think we should do it. It will make it easier if we tell everyone and we can help other trans kids in our school."
“Trans?”
"What does trans mean?"
"Transgender." 'Chrisss' explains
"Oh... I have to think about this."
"Ok I'll give you time. Just tell me by tomorrow so we can start working on it."
"Wha—" 'Chrisss' hangs up.
“Do I do it or do I not?”

Chris
April 8
Today is exhausting. I'm recovering from a hangover. I just took the longest shower possible. Oh wait… I forgot my binder is outside.

I walk outside. It's cold. I see the package and bring it in.
Mom must not be here. I open the package in my room.
I take out the items and pull out the binder. It looks like a guy’s undershirt. I take off my shirt and bra. I put on the binder.
I look down and I gasp.
Oh my god!
I start tearing up and I close my eyes.
“Are you Chris?”
“Or are you Penelope.”
“If I do the speech, I'm Chris.”
“If I don't do it, I'm Penelope.”
“I want to do the speech.”
“It may change my life. Not to mention Stacy's.”
“Everyone might accept her and me too.”
“It might change our lives for the better.”
I need to think about this.
I pace back and forth.
Back and forth.
“Hmm. Will Stacy say yes?”
“Will she be okay with doing it?”
“Chris or Penelope.”
“Chris or Penelope.”
“Chris or Penelope.”
This situation I'm in it reminds me of that fifty-fifty chance.
“Do I want to take the chance?”
“Do I want to take it?”
“Do I want to take the fifty-fifty chance? That I've lost before?”

Stacy
April 8
I’m nervous about the speech. I don’t even know if I should do it. Maybe?

I just woke up from a nap. I still haven't eaten anything.
I get up and go to the kitchen. I don't look through the cabinets because I know what's in there. I just get a cup and fill it with brown water. Wait! Brown water!? Eww. I dump it out. The sinks still running… it turns clear. I look at it and walk away after turning it off.

I text Sandra.

Stacy—SANDRA HELP ME! I told someone and their trans. We signed up for the Melody speech when we were drunk. I have to talk about being transgender and I don't know what to do. HELP.
Sandra—I think you should do it. It may help other kids like you come out. It may also help you tell your dad. Since the principal will probably call your parents. So, you won't have to tell him directly. You can just let the principal tell him. Keep me updated
Stacy—Ok

I need to think about this.
“There are more pros than cons.”

“Ok… I’ll do it...”
I just need to figure out what we're doing.
I pick up my phone and dial 'Chrisss'
"Have you made up your mind already?"
"Yes, I'm doing it."

Chris
April 8
Have you ever felt like life throws you into something, and you don't have a choice to not do it? That's how I feel right now.

Stacy and I started talking on the phone. We may have a plan for this. We both be ourselves on stage and we both talk about it. How it feels how we love it. We may throw in some jokes. But before we do anything first, we need to meet each other at the thrift store. So that's what we do.

We get there around 5:00.
"Hey." Stacy waves and walks over.
"Hi."
We both stare at the door.
"So… you want to go in?"
"Yeah." Stacy walks inside.
I follow her.
"Meet me back here at 6:00."
"Kay" Stacy practically runs to the women's section.
Only one outfit. Something that looks good.
I walk to the men's section.
I touch all the t-shirts.
I look for an extra small shirt.
I find one. With one of the best jokes ever.
“A paper cut is just a trees one glorious moment of revenge.”
I laugh. A man starts looking at me weird, so I just grab the shirt and walk to the jeans. It takes me a while to find pants that will fit me but when I do, I smile more than I ever have.

Stacy
April 8
I'm feeling pretty good. I still wonder if we will be okay. My dream says otherwise.

Am I weird to have spent the whole hour and still haven't found something? This has been one of the scariest moments of my life. I've gone through almost all the racks and haven't found something that's. Me. And all the women here are staring at me.
It's 6:30 when I see Chris running at me.
"It's been over the time I said. What are you doing?!" Chris states
"I just can't find a dress that I like."
"Oh my god. Look. Here." Chris hands me a blue knee length dress.
"You'll look beautiful in this. Try it on!" Chris pulls me into a dressing room.
"I—" I start.
"Don't leave until you try it on." Chris's voice fades "What's your shoe size?"
"12.5"

I strip down.
"I found—"
"Don't come in!" I shout
"Ok, jeez." Chris puts more dresses, some skirts on the top of the curtain "Here try these too."
I look through the stuff that Chris picked.
“Oh my god. I know what to do.”
"Get me a plaid shirt and a light blue shirt. I'm a medium."
"Ok sure."
I have the perfect outfit.
Chris
April 8
Stacy stepped out of the dressing room in a light blue dress that reached just below her knees, she has tied the plaid shirt around her waist and has black flats on.
She twirls around with a smile.
“What do you think?” She says, looking at me expectantly
“It really looks great on you!” I couldn’t help but smile, she grinned back.
"What did you get?" Stacy asks.
"Oh, just a t-shirt and jeans." I say. "Are you ready to finish the speech?"
"Yeah." Stacy walks back into the dressing room to change back.

When she comes out, we go to check out.
"How are we going to pay for this stuff?" Stacy asks. "I don't have any money."
I think about this.
"I'll pay for it then."
Stacy looks at me smugly.
"Look who's being a gentleman today." Stacy winks.
I blush.

Today we didn't do much.
We mostly worked on the paper.
I wouldn't be surprised if we finish it today.
Stacy is reading me her parts.
She's good at this.
Just needs the final touches.
I hope this works out.

Stacy

April 10

The minute I wake up I call Chris.
“Hey.”
“Hi,” Chris says “We need to work on the ending.”
“Ok… How do you think we should end it?”
“This is why I wish we knew more trans people cause I have no idea…”
“Maybe you could ask one of your friends?”
“My friends don’t know I’m trans.”
“Oh… Well at least you have me.” I smiled.
“I do have you, Stacy.” Chris —blushes? —. “We can figure out this together. We just need to think.”

We were on the phone for hours and we still couldn’t get the ending right.
“I got it!” Chris exclaims
“What?”
“We can—” Chris starts. “Wait a sec someone’s calling me, I’m going to merge the call.”

Chris

April 10

I’ve been talking with Stacy for a while. We’ve been working on the Speech. We just need to finish the ending.

The minute I hit the merge button; I know I shouldn’t have.
I haven’t been talking with Macy or Ella—And I’ve been ignoring their calls—. Only Stacy.
Stacy’s been really nice to me and she makes me feel… warm insid— Anyway I wish I didn’t press the merge button.

“PE-NE-LO-PE!!!” Ella enunciates, very loudly. “Are you mad at us?”
“What no—”
“cause ever since the party, ever since you met that weird guy. You’ve been ignoring Macy and I’s texts.”
“I’m sorry I just was going through somethin—”
“With a guy!? And you never thought to tell us. Tell me?”
I saw Stacy’s face when Ella called her a guy. She winced.
“You were going to do this anyway just say it now!”

“Ella, It wasn’t with a guy… It was with a girl.” I can feel my cheeks flush.
“Oh…” Ella’s face is blank. “So you like girls.”
“Yes.. I’m doing a Speech with her... cause I’m also transgender too.”
Stacy smiles.
Ella is processing what I said.
“Stacy can you disconnect for a second.” I tell her.
“Ok… Call you later.” Stacy disconnects and I say to Ella:
“And I like her a lot.”

Stacy
April 11
It's the day of the speech.
It feels like these past two days have flown by in a couple of seconds. I get to school with a smile on my face.
This the day!
I have a bag with the dress in it.

Chris
April 11
Today is the day.
They call the students up after home room, so I head there.
I see Stacy first.
I walk up to her.
"You ready?" I ask
"Yeah."
Stacy
April 11
Homeroom just ended.
The principal on the loudspeaker just said to go to the auditorium.
Chris
April 11
Me and Stacy are on backstage. Waiting for the past hour.
Many people have gone… And I’m going to admit it. I’m terrified.
They call us up.
We're both wearing our clothes.
I shaved my head the day before...
It was hard to keep from my mom—I had to wear a hat all day and night— but I did.
We walk up to the stage.
Microphones are right in front of us, so I start.
"When I was little many things have happened in my life to make me feel the way that I do. When I was younger I may have done some… questionable things —Everyone laughs.— and some people here would probably say that someone walked up to me when I was young and said “Your trans” or that I just made it up, But no that did not happen. Honestly. I’ve struggled thinking about this. And even today I’m struggling. I worry that I’m going to cry or I worry that I may say something too personal or I worry that I may forget all the points in this speech and just make a fool of myself, but I know. That this will help other people. Maybe some people in the crowd are listening to my words with such intensity because they feel how I feel. But I doubt that… When I think about what trans means to me it means… how all my life I’ve felt something is wrong. And now I know what it is. The way you see me now is me. Anything you’ve seen before is a mask. A cover. To the real person that is inside me… Stacy what about you?"
Stacy looks at me. I give her a weak smile.

Stacy
April 11

"Well I understand what you mean. My whole life is a struggle. And I just met you days ago, but it feels like years. And I just…” My throat closes and my chest heaves. I can’t cry in front of the whole school! I look into the crowd and see Sandra. She smiles at me.
I take a deep breath and continue.
“I just can’t believe that when I was younger, I didn’t meet
you. Back in middle school everyone but one thought I was weird; my friend Sandra was the one person who thought I was nice. Maybe one other of the people in the crowd remember me and even if they do, they think of me as the weird kid. If I had met Chris, I would have been so much happier and when I think back, I understand what this means to me. Being trans or transgender, is everything to me. It’s the source of my pain. The source of my happiness its everything. And I know on the outside I look not the way I am inside. But I know someday… some time. I’ll be myself. And that’s the only thing that keeps me together... It’s the only thing that keeps me able to wake up every day… It’s the only thing that makes me be able to smile and it helps me breathe… and I live for it… and the fact that nobody understands. Except you Chris… It breaks my heart…”

“I understand...” Somebody yells.

Chris
April 11
Someone walks up on the stage.
Oh my god…
Its Linda…

“Stacy… you’re not alone…” Linda says “You too Chris…”
“You have me… Trent… Your friend.”
Everyone gasps…
Oh my god…
Their trans too.
“I understand as well.”
Another person walks on stage. Their face tear stained.
“I’m here too…” The person says “I’m… Kate.”
My eyes start tearing up.
This is so beautiful...
"That's so gay," A guy shouts.
“Shut up Daniel!” everyone shouts.
I quietly ask everyone to huddle up and ask them a little favor.
“Do you think you guys could talk too?” Chris asks
“Sure” Lin—Trent says
“Ok…” Kate walks over to the microphone.
Kate looks over at the crowd and her whole face goes white.
“Maybe you should go first Trent!” Kate backs away.
“Ok.” Trent walks to the microphone and in a confident voice says.
“Hi, Hello everyone... My name is Trent… Many of you know me as… Linda. And before I talk, I would like to apologize…”
Every single person gasps—Even the teachers—. Today has been a surprise for everyone.
“I sincerely apologize for the emotional harm I may have done to Theresa Hebert, Veronica Campos, Diana Shelton, Jesse Burns, Hazel O’Neill, Morgan Melendez and Victoria Contreras. And I’m sorry for saying your names aloud. And if anyone hurts you, you come to me and I will mess the—” Kate stops him and whispers something into his ear.
“Oh… yeah… Ok… I think you can fill in what I just said… I’m being told I need to get to myself now… sorry… Anyway, one of the scariest things that I have done is just coming up here on stage and talking. Really, I’m like… Terrified… And my whole life I have taken out my problems on people. Sorry… And I won’t do it again… Anyway, back in middle school I went to so many slumber parties and they were cool but… deep inside me I didn’t enjoy them… All I wanted when I was younger was to play baseball with the boys and be them… But they wouldn’t let me and if I met then now I would f—” “Okay!” Kate shouts. “I’ll go now!”
“Throughout my life I have been hurt by so many things… I didn’t live here when I was in middle school. I went to another school and it was the worst… I once told a girl who I was—a girl— and within days it spread throughout the school, every day I would get hurt by the school bully, Steve and I don’t mean pushed to the ground… Every day I came back with chunks of skin missing. And I have so many scars on my body from that... And if when I tell my story the same thing happens… I won’t be here anymore... and I-I.” Kate seems to have lost herself in the speech. When she looks at the crowd, I see her face go white. She rushes back out noticing what she just told everyone…
I see the moment and nudge Stacy… I walk over to the microphone and say.
“Let’s end this speech on a quote… actually Stacy’s quote.” Then Stacy joins in.
“Life is better lived as who you are, then who you are not.”
Everyone claps—except Daniel–.
We run off the stage.
Stacy is looking happy but… terrified.
“What’s wrong Stacy.” I say.
Just then the principal comes up to us.
“That was a… interesting performance… I have notified your parents what your speech was about sadly… You are dismissed to go talk with your parents. I’ll put this down as a... Family Emergency…” She winks and walks away…
Trent, and Kate look at Stacy.
“My… dad… I’m scared… what… do I do.” Stacy whispers
“Go home and talk to him.” Trent suggests
“Yeah… I have to go home too.” I say.
“Me too… My grandma is going to freak.” Kate looks at her phone. “I have to go.”
Stacy looks around frantically.
“Ok... I’ll see you later...”

Stacy
April 11
I’m scared. No terrified… what’s going to happen? He could accept me. Or he could be super mad. I hope he accepts me. Please accept me.

When I get home, my dad is there with Luca.
He looks angry.
His eyes go wide when he sees me, and He yells "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!"
"Dad. I-I" I stuttered.
He walks over and tries to grab my arm, but I pull away.
“Calm down… You can do this...”
“Dad I’m transgender…”
Dad’s face flushes with disgust.
Dad grabs my wrist and squeezes it tight.
Luca starts barking at him. My eyes well up...
“No... You’re not.”
Dad squeezes tighter.
"Dad..." I start crying. "Dad... Please. Listen to me"
"Get out..." Dad lets go of my arm and shoves me away.
"Dad. I—"
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" Dad pushes me out the door and slams it behind me. I can hear Luca howling.
“I need Chris.”
“I need Chris.”

Chris
April 11
I get home and my mom is sitting on the couch.
"I just got a call from the principal—" Mom looks at me.
"Oh, Penny what are yo—"
"Don't call me Penelope!" I scream. —Finally. —
"What do I call you then."
"Chris."
"Oh, my baby..." Mom walks to me and hugs me.
I start crying. Tears dripping down my face.
"Tell me everything… Chris… "
I start sobbing hard.

Stacy sent me a text. I have to get her.
I texted Kate and Trent but they’re not responding.
It started raining while I was inside. Raining bullets.
She didn’t send me a message all she sent was an address.
To an old bridge…
I get there. My clothes are soaked.
I see Stacy almost immediately. Oh god.
Stacy is looking over the bridge. Really close to the edge.
"STACY!" I shout.
She doesn't look over. She starts shuffling closer.
"STACY NO!" I’m right behind her. I grab her by the shoulders and pull her around.
“Stacy…”
I pull her into a hug. She freezes.
“Stacy look at me.”
Her eyes slowly start to focus on me but they cloud over quickly.
The words just tumble out of my mouth.
“I like you Stacy. I really do.” I held her elbows. “Do you like me?”
Stacy looks at me finally, focused.
“Yes…”
I smile and I lean towards her face and press my lips against hers.
I hold her hands and Stacy kisses back.
My heart is exploding. I’m so happy right now.

We kiss for so long that my lips feel swollen but I keep going.
I never want this to stop. But when Stacy pulls back I study her face…
“She looks sad…”
“I like you Chris but…” She moves my hands from of her elbows.
“I-I can’t… I’m sorry.” Stacy starts leaning backward.
Toward the edge…
“NO!” I grab for her but she’s too far away.
As she fades away, falling she mouths: I love you.
Splash……….
I crumple to the floor…
And cry…
She’s gone…
All gone…
I twitch on the hard stone of the bridge.
And lay there for days.
For years.
Then I hear a car.
And two familiar voices.
“Chris are you okay?”
“Oh my god Chris!” Someone starts shaking me.
I open my eyes. And whisper…
“Stacy’s dead…”

Chris
December 20
I'm in the doctor's office. I'm about to get my first shot of testosterone. It's been awhile since I've thought of Stacy but on this day, my mind is full of her. I keep replaying the scene in my mind. I-I love her still. And…
I just… Wish I could have done this with her and seen Stacy jump for joy after getting hormones.
But I know that's not going to happen.
She's gone.
But I feel that she's jumping for joy right now.
Happy that I’m doing this.
I can't stop thinking about that moment.
That fifty-fifty chance.
That Stacy lost.

THE END