I wake up to loud banging on the door. I made a rule to everyone that since I can’t have a lock on my door any more that they can not just walk in at any time they want. They always have to knock. But for Alisa, knocking, means banging on the door trying to wake up a whole city.
I moan loudly so she can hear me through the door. “What!” the yell. The banging stops.
“Mom made french toast and she was wondering if you want some so she can make more.” she shouted loudly through the door. I love french toast but I’m so nervous about school starting so soon that the thought makes me want to gag.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll probably just have a banana for breakfast.” I probably won’t eat anything today, like always, but I will lie and say that I ate when they weren’t looking. My mom and Alisa have been worried about me losing so much weight. I just tell them that I have just been eating healthy and been working out in my room. Obviously a lie. Oh well.
It’s only 8 in the morning so I put on my headphones and try to go to sleep again. I think I should get as much sleep as possible before school starts because then I will start to get one hour of sleep a night. I hope this new is better than the last.

When I wake up again it’s around 12:30 in the afternoon. I get up and go to the kitchen. My stomach is growling like always but today I actually want to eat something. Just something small. Don’t want to gain any weight and be called a cow. We don’t have much in the house. Just a few things. We have half a loaf of bread because of the french toast I guess. We got some milk, some eggs, apples, cookies and some bananas. I go for the banana.
When I walk out into the living room Alisa is watching T.V. There is nothing interesting going on so I go upstair and isolate myself in my room. I grab my book and start reading.
Books. They are my second favorite thing besides music. It’s like living in someone else’s world. It may be better or may not. They are my only friends because they can’t hurt you or betray you in any way. You know when your time with them will end because you know the pages. Books are beautiful and sometimes you can connect with them. Weird, but not.
I read until my mom calls me over. I walk down stairs to see what she wants. She’s standing at the bottom of the stairs as if she was waiting for me.
“Do you want to go to the mall with me to pick out some new clothes?” she asks. She already has her bag on her shoulders as if she was already leaving but then she remembered that I need new clothes for school.
“What is wrong with the clothes I have now?” I asked. Everything. Everything is wrong with my clothes.
“You only have one pair of jeans and old t-shirts with mysterious stains on them. Your boobs are growing so we need to get more bras. So can you please come to the mall with me?”
I sighed and told her that I will go. I don’t want to go outside again. But I do need new clothes and my old ones are starting to lose its black. New clothes won’t hurt but going outside will.
We get into the car but once I tried putting the music on my mother told me to stop. I was confused. I asked her what was wrong.
“We need to talk.” She replied. Oh no. No. I don’t like having talks with her. She just tells me how terrible I am and how childish I ask.
“We have nothing to talk about mom. I am fine and everything is fine.” It wasn’t but I don’t want to have a talk with my mom. I turn the music on and we let the music fill the quietness in the car.
Once at the mall we walk around till we come across a store with clothes that are in fashion. I try walking past it but my mom tell sme to come in with her.
The store smells like experience perfume and there are lights everywhere. The floor is white and glossy and the walls are also the same but with a black line in the middle. I try walking away but she just pulls me back in. She tells me to pick something I like out. Everything here is nothing like my style and I don’t like anything.
After an hour and a half of being in one store and me just mindlessly walking around. She finally says we can leave.
I walk into a random store with dim lights and loud rock music playing. I buy a sweater and a couple t-shirts that are all black and grey and then I buy a couple of pants. When I told my mom that i was done she said “why don’t you get something with color. It will look cute.”
I shake my head and ask if she can go a pay it for me. I’m scared of paying for things on my own and I’m not sure why. I know it seems kind of childish but I just can’t do it.
Finally we go home. I go to my room and stay there the rest of the night. My book was still where I left it but I didn’t want to read. I kinda just wanted to listen to music and fall asleep forever. School will start soon and I will have to deal with the stress of work and people. I just want to do nothing for the last week of my summer and not think of the things that are going to come. Making new friends is harder for me. Not like I had no friends last year. Well I didn’t actually. Everyone there kind of thought I was a little crazy and I would always be to nervous to talk to anyone. But this year I am trying to build up the fear of talking and try to ignore my anxiety.
Everyone has already started school besides me because I have been enrolled later than the rest. I’m so scared. I will have to walk into a classroom full of kids knowing what they are doing and I will be there confused and alone. I’m going to look like a idiot. I wish I didn’t have to go outside. I just want to be home and sleep forever and not deal with outside world.
What happens if I walk into the wrong class and everyone stares at me as I awkwardly walk out and then everyone just laughs and people will be whispering about it all day. It wouldn’t be that hard to spot me with my blue hair. I won’t it to go away. Or maybe dye it a different, natural color. Maybe brown? Black? Oh I don’t know. The one that is least noticeable.
I don’t want to go to school. I don’t want to go to school. I really don’t want to be that new weird kid. I don’t want to go. I repeat that to myself until I fall asleep around 2 in the morning.