i no some of its a bit cliche and my grammer and punctuation is terrible, i want to re-write the whole thing as soon as scool calms down.

the vampire thing is not a big deal as they r not the main focus, and they r not going to be movie star guys and model girls, byt i do agree that they r beinh overused, and i was hesitant to put them in, but no way r they going to be like the ones in twilight and if it sounds like the book soz so not intensional, i havnt even read the book

any who as i said im going to re-write the whole thing as soon as i get the time.  

I absolutely loved your first sentance. From there it went downhill a bit. I think the whole vampire thing is being overused right now. The whole scene had a TON of parallels to the first scenee of the movie in the twilight series, ecplise.

Also, and maybe its because the thing says that you are British, realized is spelled wrong and I don't know what thigh boots are.

I thikn your brain works faster than  you type, and you are leaving out words. The sentance that begin with "with each yeilding step..." is wayyy too long. You need to break it up.

One final piece of advice, be careful not to fall into cliches while you are writing. There have been so many vampire books lately, make sure yours is original

even if you're just finding your voice u should still, write u know sort of experiment

 (if u ever do write that book id love to give it a read)

I've always wanted to be a writer, but I've never envisioned exactly the voice I want to write my dream book in.  It's gonna be about a girl in the medieval time period.  End of dream novel rubric.  That leaves a lot of room for change- which I think is good because I'm still finding my writing voice.  I hope it's gonna be a good one :)

And really, I do love battle banter, but there are sometimes when I just want a book that cuts to the chase and gives me mystery, adventure, and sometimes a sad ending.  But only sometimes, usually I ike books with a ending somewhere between 'happily ever after' and 'and then they all died.'

I must add those books to my gotta read list.  It's rather long at the moment.  As it should be. :)

opps

why, it didnt post a single one at first and now it posts all three at the same time. i could really scream right now

i love battle banter (as u call them) books, if u haven't already read them i suggest the skulduggery pleasent series by derek landy they r amazing......compleatly. i suppose your right about being able to relate to books and characters aswell as being a little realistic (yet another skill i need to add to the improvement list)

i really love the battle banter (you've got that into my head now) trash talk it always makes me crack up (lol) thats the kind of writer i want to be like, aswell as sarcastic, but no matter what there has always got to be battle trash talk

i totally love battle banter (as u call them) books. if u haven,t already read them i suggest the skulduggery pleasent series by derek landy they are amazing...totally. (his books are what got me into writing)

i also really like the book that u can relate to so i guess your right again (one more thing that i need to add to the improvement list)

the battle banter (u've got that into my head now ) fiction books are the type that i would kill to be able to wright like. Aswell as beeing sarcastic at the some time and there has just got to be battle trash talk, it always cracks me up (lol)

i love battle banter (as u call them) books, if u haven't already read them i suggest the skulduggary pleasent series by derek landy, he is amazing........ compleatly.

i really love book u can relate to so i guess your right (one more thing i need to add to the improvment list)

the battle banter (u've got that drilled into my head now) fiction books r just like the stuff i want to be able to write, as well as the sarcastic kind and i just love battle trash talk writing

oh i forgot to mention the doilouge and the woman. first of all shes not a valkyrie (although thats a really good idea- mind if i use it in the future) any who, shes a vamp hunter (i know spoilers- again soz) and second, the diolouge, i didnt wandt it to be too hard, im a fan of the funny, sarcastic books not the too serious (although some of them r really good) i know its a bit unrealistic for a fight but thats what fantasy fiction is 4 right reading the unrealistic. thats my opinion any way.

again thanks 4 the advice, ill work on my gramma while writing the rest

ouch hard words, but true

thanks 4 the advice

i know my gramma is terrible my english teacher has a go at me all the time, if u think this one is bad u should have seen my draft (it was horrific, my mum hit me with a book every time she found somthing wrong ow i have so many bumps i lost count. i know that vamps r being over used at the moment thats why they r not the main focuse in this story although they will appear quite a lot (soz). but good news (i think) is that there r more creatures of sorts like weres (not just wolves) elves, fey and others i just need 2 find a way to make it work.

i might re-draft this piece using your advice u know make it better i working on the 1st chapter at the moment, ill post it the minute im finished

thanks 4 the help

Ok, so I looooove this story.  I was slightly turned off-ish when you introduced that vampire, because those are being so overdone, but that ribbed off the second he blew away.  Your writing was very impressive, especially your imagery.

All that being said- I must move on to a aspect of your story that was... well, not up to snuff.  Grammar!  I'm really not that much of a stickler for it, usually. But these mistakes were cronic!  Capitalization, to start.  And commas should be added in many, many places.  You had run-on sentences all throughout, and in your first paragraph, a misplaced modifier ( at the very end of the paragraph, you made it sound like the 'figure' was the girl's and not the boy's.)  It was good that you tried to vary the words that you started your sentences with, using 'as' and 'with' instead of 'the'- but I think you overused those word, and the sentences became confusing.  I found myself rereading parts of your story, just because I didn't understand the wording.  Oh, and near the beginning, you misspelled the word 'realize.'

Anyway, grammar, spelling, and wording aside- awesome story!!!  The only non-technical critique I have fo this story is that when the vampire and valkyrie, (or at least that's what I think she is, cause of her ringtone) were talking during their battle, I thought it sounded like she was explaining herself and her weapons too much, it was great for the reader to get that bit of information, but I just thought it was inrealistic they'd have that kind of dialogue during a battle.

Great, great story, and I sooooo wnat more.

4/5 stars :)

this version is the real one, the grammer is better and it actually has a tital so please enjoy.

ps- the name meckt is supposed to be metz (typo) sorry