Teenage Fanclub are the most hideous, repulsive, talentless schmucks I've ever seen or heard. They're about as attractive as the puss-filled scabs on my knees, and do they actually consider that irritating crap that they play music?

Since a lot of Teenage Fanclub's songs are about imaginary people, I decided to open my review with my own creation of the thoughts of an imaginary person. After all, what could be more imaginary than obnoxious comments about a brilliant band? Anyway, the Scottish foursome recently played a show at the Marquee in New York City, promoting their third album, and U.S. debut, "Bandwagonesque." The crowd, which was large and diverse, consisted of everything from punks, hippies, and clueless businessmen, to enthusiastic stagedivers and air-rolling high school kids.

Nonetheless, I was able to get a comfortable spot right in front of the stage, and a picturesque view of the young band. They looked almost as perfect as they sounded, pounding out most of the tracks from their latest album, as well as other favorites like "God Knows It's True," "So Far Gone," "Everybody's Fool," "Free Again," and "Everything Flows." They even performed a hilarious version of a certain over-rated Seattle band's "teen anthem," on request of a fan who jokingly blurted it out. Teenage Fanclub also kept the audience entertained by talking to us in between songs. They'd do and say the funniest things. The audience loved it. Some fans even threw presents on stage. Teenage Fanclub is a talented rock band and they couldn't have performed better. The only thing I missed, which they did the last time I saw them, was seeing them trash the set. n