I need to ask you a question.
Several questions actually.
How come you came back?
Why did you leave?
Why didn't you stay?
What wasn't enough?
What gives you the right to storm in after being gone for nearly three years.
To just storm in and expect that I'll actually respect you.
What makes you think that I can love you again.
I was five years old the first time you didn't come.
I sat in daycare waiting and waiting but it was nearly closing time and you still weren't there.
But I waited for you anyways - You ran late a lot.
Eyes wide still young and idolizing you in every idiotic way possible.
You were everything to me and all you ever did was disappoint.
It was nearly six - But I sat there legs crossed on the ground expecting you to come.
I needed you to come so badly -You were my dad- My everything.
I loved you so much that it wasn't fair.
I loved you so much and I never saw you.
I loved you so much that I cried when you couldn't be there.
I loved you so much that I hid myself and cried over you because if mom saw than everything would get bad again.
I loved you so much and all you ever did was disappoint.
It was nearly six- But I sat there legs crossed on the ground expecting you to come- But you never did.
It hit six fifteen and your replacement walked in- knew what that meant- Every hope vanished
and all I could do was cry.
That was the beginning.
I cried harder than I ever had before in my entire life- And with every tear that fell down my cheek my love for you diminished.
And every time you didn't show up- Every time you didn't call.
My tears began to wipe away any love I ever felt for you.
And then you vanished.
You told me where you were going but I never saw you.
Never heard from you.
And then you came back and used me as a bargaining chip to get what you wanted.
And I hate you for it.
I was 11.
I was 11 years old and you used me as a bargaining chip.
I had a father that used me to get what he wanted
I was 11 years old when I began to see you as really the f---ed up person that you are.
Anger.
Resentment.
You d----head ways were all I saw.
And I hated you for it.
And now I'm 18 years old.
I'm seeing you tomorrow and I don't know what to say
I'm 18 years old and part of me never wants to see you again.
I'm 18 years old and you're not my father you never were.
I'm 18 years old and I hate you for it.
I hate you so much.
Because I loved you so much and you let me down.
i loved you so much that it wasn't fair.
I'd never loved anyone else as much as I loved you and you spit upon it.
You didn't acknowledge it.
The first time you ever said I love you to me was the first time I didn't say it when I left.
And you texted it to me two hours after you dropped me off.
I threw my phone agains the wall and cried.
How come you came back?
Why did you leave?
Why didn't you stay?
What wasn't enough?
And what gives you the right?
I'm not the little girl that loves you anymore.
I haven't been that little girl for a good long while.
And now you're here when you want.
When it's easy.
And I try not to think about it.
I try to focus on the future.
On the happy things.
But it's hard to when every time I think of you,
every time I see your face
all I can think of is that little girl who loved you so much that it hurt.
and how you let her down every time
and how you still do
and the worst part is
as much as i wish I could hate you
as much as I wish I did hate you
i still love you anyways