I try and cry
An ocean drains from my insides but despite the lack of water I carry, I will never be light enough never weigh the right weight and never look the right shape.

A bone chilling coldness drips from the sweat of my hands as i shake Because my anxiety is feeling punchy today i shake as it cuts my breathe while the coldness numbs my body, I claw at my skin leaving no pain but red ribbons sewing themselves along the floor in which i stand clawing at the skin that I will never get rid of and never get out of and will always come back

It’s like the turn in my heart as new emotions same but different read the books of my heart and toss them aside like they are too old for this new pain but the ADHD won't quit before me and all I can think is when will the story end?

It is the face plastered to my brain I am seeing as the devil's name appears; only she visits me while my eyelids are left heavy and defenseless while my body is already worn and wont fight to keep me safe, sleep is where i run too but my pains run faster and fueled buy my heart that lets rivers run thru creating the slivers and pathways of a broken-heart

It is the empty seed in my stomach growing towards the sun that it wants to reach but knows it never will really touch just the same as i know i'll never feel the warmth on my skin that i know will feel so good while I’m stuck inside hiding from this beast that is my myself.

My depression, my anxiety , them, her all the people i blame as my pain feels like the fiery blades stabbed into my thighs, my wrists and my back by so many people I loved the most

And maybe the ocean will never dry, the sweat will always stain and the book will never end. Maybe i'll never feel the sun, and always blame something and someone other than myself and maybe This wave life will never end and I’ll never feel the ocean as a dessert, the excitement of an ending book or beautiful warmth of the sun and maybe I’ll never be able to stop looking at all the vaulters picking me apart because I just can’t focus. And the friendly face I see most just keeps appearing in my dreams and leaving in my reality maybe no matter how loud I cry for help- no matter how many times I wake up screaming. This world is embedded in every follicle of my being, growing faster than I can tend to it and these pains found a home in my heart, my body and my eyes, they will never beat down anything but their host in which I am.