“Stop, breathe, don’t freak out.
Don’t worry about it.”
This is what I have to tell myself every single day.
Trust me I have tried every other way.
Every possible situation.
Like a tiny army fighting an entire nation.
I can’t breathe.
I try to control my thoughts.
They tell me that I’m just imagining it,
But I’m not.
I can’t handle it when people scream at each other.
I always freak out one way or another.
When it all becomes too much I count to ten.
Some say I should talk to a friend.
My hands start to shake and I know it’s coming.
There’s no way I can stop it.
It feels like I’m drowning.
My mind keeps running wild.
Like it’s been chasing me for miles.
My thoughts spiral out of control.
And everyone always asks if I’m okay.
How am I supposed to answer?
What would you say?
Is it okay to overthink every decision?
Is it normal to feel like you’re dying?
Is it okay to not know what’s happening to you?
I try to push these thoughts out of my mind.
But they always come back.
And sometimes they multiply.
It’s like when it’s pitch black.
For a split second, you don’t know what comes next.
My brain takes that feeling, and makes it ten times worse.
It’s hard for me to let loose.
I don’t usually enjoy parties.
I always pull back.
Opportunities are wasted.
Chances aren’t taken.
I try to end things before they can hurt me.
It tends to get lonely.
I become so isolated.
It gets so silent.
And it feels like I go crazy.
My thoughts overtake me.
And I become a mess.
Tears streaming down my face.
And my whole body is frozen.
I can’t comprehend it.
It’s different every time.
I hate it.
It has taken so much from me.
Made me forget so many memories.
And erase some of the best times of my life.
It all started years ago.
Around the time I was diagnosed.
Those words made me shut down for so long.
They changed me.
“You have diabetes.”
I was only eight years old.
So much was different.
I couldn’t do the things my friends did anymore.
I thought it was my own fault.
It was the most difficult time in my life.
And that’s where I started having the attacks.
One minute I’d be sound asleep, the next I’d be screaming.
I would be gasping for just one breath.
My eyes would be filled with tears.
My mind wouldn’t shut off.
I couldn’t sleep.
But over the years I got help.
It became manageable.
I have had so many insecurities, and hurt feelings,
From people I thought were friends.
But then there was a light, a spark.
A moment of real laughter.
A moment genuine smiles.
A moment of pure happiness.
And everything else seemed so small.
I found my happy place.
Somewhere I was accepted.
Where I was loved.
It made me believe in myself again.
And yes my anxiety is still a factor.
But I’m working on it.
So I want to help anyone else like me.
Anyone who feels crazy, or insane.
You are wrong.
You are worth everything.
And yes things will scatter.
Your thoughts will scatter.
Your life will scatter.
But you just have to find your light.
Your spark that ignites the fire inside of you.
And never let it die out.