Sometimes you just have to write things down to get them out of your head so they stop taking over every waking second of your life. My heart hurts! Every time I see him or think about him (which is all the time) my heart gets increasingly worse. I feel like I'm going to have a anxiety attack every moment of the day. I have no sympathy for anyone but myself and I feel as though I am heartless to other people. But how can I give my heart out to people for their feelings when I barley have a heart left for myself? I try to act like I'm fine, I try to act "normal", I try to act as though nothing is bothering me, but my heart is falling away to quickly for me to keep this act up. My eyes water every moment of the day and I have to pray to God that even one tear won't fall, even though eventually sometime though out the day more then one falls, hundreds. I try to distract myself with other guys, people, work and activities but everything I do eventually leads back to him. Why? Why? Why? He has obviously moved on from the way he acts. Talking about a party and doing crazy stuff and laughing with his friends, obviously this isn't weighing heavy on him in any way. He is texting other people, other girls, I know this for a fact because of the way he discreetly gloats about things. I know him. I know him better then I know myself and I know he knows me. He knows what to say and do to get to me and he is doing them. All the time. Secretly slipping me hurtful messages, whether he is doing this on purpose or on accident, I don't know. But I know one thing for sure, he knows something is bothering me and he has a pretty good idea that it's him. He walks through the halls with his natural swagger that he always has, nothing about him is affected in any way. My complete world has flipped upside down and I'm drowning in the water of my own sorrow while he is flying high in the sky of his perfect world. He always gets what he wants. Any thing, girl, idea, anything he wishes to have he gets. Once upon a time I thought I was what he really wished to have.. Obviously I was wrong. He wishes to have somebody, anybody to make his ego bigger. To fill is golden goblet so he my empty them of all feeling, love, and personality. I'm broken. Like a toy thrown away. I'm broken. Like a CD playing the same set of lyrics over and over again. But the question that's bothering me is, am I doing this to myself? Am I putting myself in this victim position because I'm scared? Then it brings me to a new question. Scared of what? Change? Rejection? Success? I don't know. Am I the one putting him on this high pedestal? Is it just in my mind that he deserves that rank? How do I tell? How do I move on? How do I talk to him? Do I talk to him? Writing things down does help. My heart feels a little bit lighter. But that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts and I still have so many questions and no answers. Is it weak to feel hurt, to show you're hurt? If he hurts me so much, why do I wish that it is him walking by whenever I hear foot steps? Why do I picture his face when someone walks up to me? Why do I dream of him coming back to me? Why? Who knows the answers to these questions? I obviously don't, does he? If he doesn't then does God? Is it weak to turn to God for such petty questions? Is it weak to turn to God in general? I somehow think that if I change myself back into the person I used to be when we were happy that that will change things. There are good and bad things about the person I used to be. Good: I was quiet and went along with anything he wanted to do. I had no opinion on things. I was weak enough for him to persuade me to do anything. I guess those things were only good for him. Bad: I was depressed and suicidal so I had no will. No reason or wanting to fight back because I didn't care. I was easily persuaded because I had no more life in me. I had no opinion because I was always tired and was barley able to speak without hating myself for it. I was also extremely skinny. Did he like that? Did he like the anorexic type body I had is that why we fell apart when I gained weight? When I started to eat and finally had the will to fight back on things I believe in? The sad thing is, if I knew that was what he wanted, if he wanted me to go back to that lifestyle even though it was the lowest point in my life, I would. I would immediately stop eating and stop talking my pills. I would constantly think bad thoughts about myself to push myself over the edge and into the deep pit of depression. I would do that all for him if he only said the words. Is that wrong on my part or his? Am I blaming all of my problems on him or did he originally cause all those problems? Who's to blame here? Will anything ever to solved? Or will I just have to live with the uncertainty for the rest of my life?..