Ever wonder what a girl sees when she looks in a mirror

And I don’t want to hear ugly or fat or any of that because it’s stereotypical
It’s insulting
And it’s wrong.
I would know.
I’ve been there before.
No, instead she sees the girl she always wanted to be
As a pale outlined ghost around the reflection in front of her
Daunting
Taunting
Reminding her of the person she never became.
She closes her eyes as she paints her face in powdered and liquid false beauty
Because she knows when she opens those painted blue, brown irised eyes
That she will have to face the brown, not-so-pretty eyes she was supposed to have
The ones belonging to the girl she was supposed to be
The ones that almost never cry
The ones that sparkle every time she laughs
The ones belonging to the girl she was supposed to be
The girl that can smile without falseness
The girl that can dance without music
The girl that can write without words
And draw without pictures
But that’s not the girl she sees
She sees the one she’s been holding up to impossible standards
Purely to make herself the non-runway model
The role model
The doctor
The scholar
The beauty without trying
The beast without scaring
The artists
The speaker
The leader
The one she can look up to when no one else is there for her
But instead she sees the one with shadows under her eyes much
Much
Much darker than her hair
And lips red not from beauty but from chewing them raw
And hair gnarled not from sleep but lack of as she struggles to do her homework
When she looks in that mirror, she sees failure.
She will never be her ideal person
She will never live up to her own expectations
Instead she will paint her face pretty
Tie her hair up tight
Or brush it smooth and gentle
Shove on a pretty shirt she hates
And take her far too expensive backpack to a far too stupid school
Study
Become stressed
Want to cry
Remind herself she’s wearing makeup and has a reputation to uphold
Shoves an apple in her mouth
And studies more, repeating the process
She’ll go home
Turn her mirror to face the wall, not looking at the glass
Wash her face
Put on pajamas
Sit on her bed
And do her homework
Because that’s all she can do right then to keep herself from falling apart.
She’ll do it for hours
Calculating, recalculating,
Assessing, evaluating,
Explaining, describing,
More calculating, searching,
Trying to understand what’s in front of her.
Her only savior is her phone
People on it she can talk to
People she can trust
But never share these thoughts with.
When a girl looks into a mirror
She sees who she’s supposed to be
And that doesn’t mean a model and that doesn’t mean thin and that doesn’t mean pretty
It means successful, and open, and strong
When she knows the person outside of the glass is anything but
And that’s why when a girl looks in a mirror she asks you questions
And that’s why when a girl looks in a mirror, she’s insecure
And that’s why when a girl looks in a mirror
She cries