this is the third time in as many days that i've watched the sun come over the horizon
laying in bed without sleeping so i can see the light on the wall when it appears
i can't help but wonder if today things might be different than yesterday,
because each day it eats at me like aching hunger that isn't satiable
until i'm hollow and empty and all i want to do is disappear quietly in the sunrise

this is the fifth time in as many days that i've driven myself to tears for my own incompetence and stupidity
and even though i'm assured it's not my fault and i shouldn't blame myself,
i do anyways because that's what's been hammered into my system with red hot metal and twisted wires that program my head to think like this
i'm not entirely sure of what i want, but this isn't it

this is the twelfth time in as many days that i skipped breakfast and lunch and only nibbled for dinner
because i hate what i see when i stare into the mirror
i know it's not healthy but i also know that i despise how my body rolls and curves where i don't want it to, and looking at my legs makes me feel sick, and running my hands over my stomach in the shower almost makes me bring up what little dinner i had
i know it's not healthy, but i also know that's not the worst thing i can do

this is the thirtieth time in as many days where i've almost picked up a carton of cigarettes and a lighter, or almost cracked open the lid of a bottle of alcohol
what's one more bad trait?
some people like a rebellious streak, don't they?
i really don't want to be alone anymore.

if i learn to love myself, maybe others will, too
or maybe i'll stop trying to fool myself with compromises
and finally see the line between being hopeful and being stupid