I
Hello, how may I help you?
Would you like to schedule an appointment to double my standards?
I think I may be able to squeeze you in between
Destroying male morality
And turning all women into lesbians.
I hope that works for you
Because my feminist agenda is pretty full.
There’s just so much to do with
Channeling all of my energy into
Man-Hating,
And avoiding all the responsibility of shaving
Off all the hair I was born with
For a man to rub his calloused hands over.
I also have to plan the overthrow of the male species
So one day we could finally be on
“Top”,
But I wonder if I’ll have to cook for that too
On top of the dinners I’ve been molded into making.
On top of that, I still have to write angry letters to clothing companies about their
Over-sexualized
Idea of women and their bodies,
Signing them all with Ms. and my father’s last name
To show that I will not conform to the
Idea of condoning marriage,
The act of a man owning a woman and claiming her as his property…
So as you can see,
The feminist agenda is very extensive,
And I won’t put on an ounce of make-up to carry it out.

II
Hello, how may I help you?
Would you like to schedule an appointment to hear
Why I need feminism?
I think I can squeeze you in between
Figuring out which keys I should hold between my knuckles
As I walk to my car tonight,
And avoiding the ogling eyes and constant cat calls
As I walk to and from work.
I hope that works for you
Because my feminist agenda is pretty full
Of advocating equality,
Ending fear,
And destroying female discrimination.
There’s just so much to do with
Channeling all of my energy into
Fighting for the right to be proud of our bodies
And ending the dying need to looking like we’re dying,
Playing hallowed symphonies on our ribs and collarbones,
And letting others know that our choice of wardrobe
Does not express our desire for sex or how bad you know we
“Want it”.
On top of that, I have to fight my way to the top,
Always a step behind my male counterparts,
Though last weeks standings show that I was still in the lead for sales,
And when I go home
I’ll tell my husband that I,
With his last name,
Still love him after a strong five years of marriage,
And we’ll order take-out because we both had a long day.
So as you can see,
The feminist agenda isn’t that extensive,
And I’ll wear as much man-made make-up as I want
To carry it out.