Its the night of the first day of school
And I already know I won’t sleep tonight,
I know I will see the entirety of another sunset and sunrise
That will probably always feel like my mother nature
Bragging about the perfect child that I will never be,
I will be up all night working on all the projects
I was supposed to spend my entire summer on,
But I spent my whole summer trying to forget,
I spent my summer trying to find the courage
To walk right back into hell and say
Honey I’m home,
I won’t bother asking if anyone missed me,
I wonder if I will ever stop covering my ears
When it gets too quiet,
And she just looks at me and shakes her head
Like, are we really doing this again,
Like, I thought you were getting better,
Like, I am so disappointed,
And I wonder if that school bathroom floor
Is still stained red with my blood,
I wonder who had to clean it up,
I wonder when people will stop trying to clean me up,
My guidance councilor tells me that I only need half a credit more
To graduate a year early,
She tells me to drop my art class, because no one needs the arts,
I tell her I don’t have my s*** together yet,
She tells me not to use that word,
So I tell her I don’t know what the hell I want to do
With the rest of my life,
She tells me that word is off limits too,
I want to tell her that condescending questions about my past
And not so subtle mentions about joining a ‘support group’
Are off limits,
But that would only lead to another invigorating round of
‘Why it’s inappropriate to take out your frustration on other people’
And a brochure on anger management will somehow
Find it’s way into my hands before I leave,
But despite my not knowing,
I still want to leave this place as soon as possible,
I don’t think the caged bird ever said
Maybe one more year wont be too bad,
I wonder when my first instinct will stop being run away,
I wonder if I will ever stop disappearing when things get hard,
I wonder if anyone will ever ask me to stay.