i never knew
how much it hurt
to love someone
who loved a life
without you
that you knew nothing
nothing at all

moments
half-noticed slips
of conversation
no one has to ask
about except you:
the lover
who knows nothing

so lonely, forcing
myself not to call
in case i hear
someone else’s voice
through my heavy
haze of tears

i will never
ever
let go of you or
my love, even if you
think it best, i will not
listen to you, asking
begging me to
let myself fly
no, not ever

you are my black star
the closer i pull you
the farther i feel
from your eyes, so
full of pain and yet
so beautiful
making me feel
seen
when i only want to hide

i am so frozen, i can
not believe it’s me,
this time, on the side
with the broken heart
it’s all wrong now
you promised, over and
over, as you took away
my only escape, control
you said you would not
forget to hold me close
how does that fit now that
i’m alone, in the pouring rain
of my own heart

you took away my mask
my only way to
hide my desolated features
held it in your hands and
broke it into
pieces, like stars
and just as many
just as cold

like you said you’d never
break me

you have her
and you must be happy
you smile in the way
i used to carry
your thoughts are still
in the air around me
each morning
it kills me to wake up
to a nightmare
so i’m alone, left with my
sun always setting
i dress in black and
swear to keep the pain away
chase it with anything
anything, i don’t notice
anymore
too many colors, and now
black is the only one
i can shelter my tears in
and still be here tomorrow

go back to her, it’s
for the best
yes, i always knew you
loved her, but you said
you kept your promises
when i told you she
wouldn’t cry if you were dead
i would, for years and
eternities
until my eyes turned blue,
like yours used to be
when you still
watched me with them

i cannot be content with
not loving, i hate
each single thing in this
bitter world, hate it with
the love i can’t give you anymore
even though you told me
to laugh instead of cry
you aren’t here, holding
me as i cry, and unlike you
i have no one else
to live for