mary says she’s not afraid of death;
and curled up in a ball on the couch mary twists her thin hair with her fingers in
nervousness but with a snap it falls out,
fragile.

and mary says she can’t stand when she wakes up every morning,
still here.

she’s been called a walking eating disorder and it’s a part of her as it’s a part of me;
mary “e.d.” leonard, though she claims nobody can tell; i can tell,
she looks very sick, and
mary says she trusts in ed.

ed, her eating disorder-personified;
more real to her than her own self, and
her friend when nobody else is and more of a
part of her than anything else or maybe even
an abusive boyfriend that you stay with anyway and you love him even though it only hurts you;
because of that crazy side of human nature that
wants the pain and promises it’ll get better and
everything will be okay if you just give in and
stay.

so mary says she believes evrything she thinks.

in irrationality and lies and myths and mirages,
smoke and mirrors and seeing her bones;
spinning around and around in the mirror but
seeing fat, fat, fat she inspects her ribs,
“notmenotmenotme.”

no amount of baggy clothes can hide that tiny thin body that she hates every inch of,
drilling into her head her disgust and
sleeves pilling over her wrists mary says
she hates that she even has a body.

and mary says she can’t trust anyone but
how could she after all she’s ever known but
i wish she could see that it’s worth it if you take that risk to trust sometimes and
she could throw herself into recovery the same way
she throws herself into her disease; end-all, be-all;
she has everything going for her.

mary didn’t choose anorexia but
she doesn’t have to choose to be this way anymore
and i have to cry when they say she won’t make it but
when i try to talk to her, her words just leave me
speechless and
it drives me crazy when mary says she doesn’t mind
if she dies as long as she dies skinny and
i could see myself spiraling
down into the life she lives and
i’d hate to live in her head so
mary makes me realize i’m stronger than i believe but i wish she knew that
she is too.

mary’s given up and given in and
i thinks she’s going to die,
i think she wants to die but
i don’t want her to die and
so many people care about her but mary doesn’t realize it
and now i’m choking on empty nothing because
i really do care about her and i know she believes in heaven and god and angels but
she doesn’t believe in love or laughter or life
and i walked into her room and
her bed was empty…

mary said she wasn’t afraid of death.