Started Again | Teen Ink

Started Again

January 29, 2011
By Anyalisse PLATINUM, Gering, Nebraska
Anyalisse PLATINUM, Gering, Nebraska
37 articles 7 photos 11 comments

This Sickness I feel,
This,
Guilt,
That turns my insides black.
You laugh,
I die.
You won't be laughing,
In a moment.
The sickness grows,
And grows.
I tremble,
As it overflows.
Twitching,
And shivering,
As I scream inside.
You laugh,
I die.
Do you already know?
Are you angry?
If not....
Are you going to be?
will you hate me?
Even if you do,
I'll still love you.
Do you know?
What if you don't?
How?
How will I tell you?
I remember how it started,
How I did it,
And how it ended.
Red,
Is a beautiful color,
Don't you think?
As you laugh again,
I laugh too,
But that does not drive away,
The blackness,
Eating me away,
Inside.
You don't know,
Do you?
So...
How?
How will I tell you?
How do I tell you that,
I've
Started again.


The author's comments:
I didn't write this poem as I was going through the emotions but I did relive them.
I had stopped the whole cutting thing for around a year and then some stuff came up and I'm back at square one, but it's quite different this time. This time I have someone who actually loves me and he tells me so a million times every day.
I was trembling with guilt and actually threw up I became so sick with it. I was afraid to tell him that I had started up again because I was afraid of what he would think.
Oh, this is the best part.
He didn't get mad.
To this moment it confuses me. Why wouldn't he be mad? He spent the rest of the night holding me and telling jokes, all around making me laugh, and whispering in my ear that he still loved me and it was okay.
How many people would do that?
I'll tell you, someone who loves you. No. Strings. Attached.
I have no more doubts about our relationship.
This poem is what I was feeling after I cut and after he came to pick me up. The guilt didn't fully settle in until I was actually able to see him.

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