Free Falling

Sometimes I’m skeptical
Of certain things
Just because of how they appear on the surface
No one can say they don’t entirely agree
It’s true I know
True for all of us
No matter how hard we try to hide what really is.
Whenever you blink
You’re loosing that hundredth of a second
When you could have been seeing the amazing things
sitting right in front of you.
And I think about these things
They play over and over in my head
Their melancholy rhymes dissolving anything else.
I tried to erase what used to be
But somehow;
Never
Will I forget
Who I first loved
And keep wondering why he never loved me.
My Lilies
Today I am trying my best
To move on and forget about him
I take petals off of a silver flower
And tear drops roll down my cheeks while I whisper
Each petal peels away
Silent and without question
So eerie is the nothing that I cannot bear to listen
Dropping petals against water
As smooth as glass
Tiny ringlets appear around where the petals have landed
And then fade
Back to a cold, clean mirror
I look at my face
It is grayed and forgotten
Begging to be made new
But I turn my face; I can no longer look
Leaving the stem unattended to
Alone in the sand
Alone
Alone like you left me.


Forget
I kneel to the ground
The grass hardened and brown
Shriveled from the cold wind
Rushing along and past it day after day
It prickles my feet
Which are bare but never blue
My face falls into my hands
still damp from the water of the lake and cold as they always are.
Still unable
To find any way to tell you or to explain
Ashamed am I
To have to hide my face
The face that smiled; the face that laughed
Along and with you
For that time when I thought everything would be okay
It was my entire fault
I let it pass without realizing it would never stay
Now it is long past gone
And so are my smiles,
My laughs my words
I want to be with you
But you must not want to be with me.
Closing
The house smells of wonder
Relishing flavors dancing in the air
Somehow I find that I am not hungry
Sitting quietly
As little as touching my plate
Worried glances from others
When I want to be left alone
Or so I tell myself so I can have reason to be so
They never knew; were never told
My heart hurts worse because I told no one
And when you tell no one
There is not a soul to help you gather the pieces of your broken heart.
I promise its okay
Then soundlessly escape into my room
No tears come
No; not anymore
Not since I swore I would hold them back
A piano
Sits so open and ready
I cannot help it and I sit down
My feet adjusting to familiar things
My hands lay against the keys
I don’t even have to breathe and sounds come
Slowly; unsure at first
Then building into something more.
It is a slow and gentle piece
And it flows into the narrows of my heart; stitching insistently
Just when I thought it was impossible
A smile
So open I cannot hide it
Spreads across my face and lights my eyes
I play and listen
Waiting for where it will take me
Until the song is over and I sit in absolute silence
The smile doesn’t fade
As I cover myself in soft sheets and close my eyes
Bidding the universe goodbye
Perhaps for one well deserved night
I won’t thing of you
My dreams can be sweet again
Perhaps something more




Fallen
Today I am my best
I let hot water pour across my face
Tingling and stinging more than I can know
The smell of soap penetrating through my skin
Then I am dried
Towels so soft I want to fall asleep inside of them
Tugging on my very best clothes
And staring at myself in the mirror
Nothing out of place; my hair hangs around my figure
Eyes piercing with a green so bright
So how did he see me?
My face is bare and as pure as it can be
I trace black around my eyes
And cap the pen
No regrets pass me
I open my window and then close it softly behind
Breathe deeply when I take in the air
And realize the others are still asleep
I hold in my hand the keys
And I run to my car on trembling toes
Open the door
And climb in.
Wind
I twist the key into the ignition
Hands shaking and heart beating within me
I take a deep breath and know I have to go; if not now, then never.
The engine roars to life
A sound I have heard on and off for the past year
Only one year
But I am not afraid anymore
The car carefully backs out of the drive
And I am set on the road; the world my canvas
I hold the only brush.
Here I am world
If you want to destroy me again, go ahead and try.
But I can no longer be destroyed.
Wind rushes through the open windows
Warm but cold against my resting skin
Hands firm against the steering wheel
I feel in control
But a part of me still longs for hands to guide me.
Never again will I fall
I will only jump
Instead

Nowhere
Not afraid
To have no idea where on earth I am headed
Because I just don’t seem to care anymore
Gray skies
As gray and as pale as ash
As gray and pale as my heart when you walk away
So many times before
I won’t ever be left again
No one can leave me when I love no one
Or so I tell myself.
Going over plans and ways to get back in my head
Yet somewhere in me I want to feel my phone vibrate and see your name
Flash across the screen
I tell myself I wouldn’t answer
But I know I would
Because even when I think we don’t have a chance
There is always my terrible, trembling hope
Because somehow
I still
love
you

Gasoline
The smell
That wretched smell of gasoline
Pours through the windows
I try to ignore it but then the car comes to a stop
And there is this loud growl
It comes from the engine
Oh so deep inside the engine
I keep my foot firm and my hand ready on the gear
But it stops abruptly
Cars speed by me
And my heart is racing as I ease myself into the curb of the sidewalk
My head stings
Because I don’t want to have to think
Ever again
Like a panther inside of me
My anger controls my senses and I can’t take it any longer
Why can absolutely nothing work for me, EVER?
No more gas
And I am far from being near a station.
So while the world continues to spin around me
I fall into the floorboard of the back seats
And fall asleep.
My after world
“Sadie?”
A gentle voice crawls beneath my skin
I can hear you
But you are nowhere to be found
Sitting up with fright
And bumping my head hard with impact
Against the door to the car
“Braden? Is that you?”
I whisper in a voice too terrified to be my own
But I know it is when I feel my lips
My eyes are closed so I open them
And then standing over me, there you are
A look of worry spread across your perfect face
I reach my hand forward, to push you away
But you clasp my hand with your own and carefully remove it
“What happened?”
You ask me
“I-don’t-know.”
I say too quickly
You climb into the driver’s seat and I adjust myself in the passage seat
“Let’s go for a spin”

Thirst
It roars
And is suddenly spinning
Out into the road again
I look over at you
And then I turn away to hide my smile
You can’t know
You don’t know
But at that moment neither of us care
We approach a street
On which I have never traveled
Or been made aware that it actually exists
Trees slope along the gravel
And the car is straining to make it across
Darkness swoops over us
And I breathe carefully
“Braden, what the-“
I am cut off
When suddenly
We start
to
fall.

Elusively
I am falling
I can’t be sure if it’s real or what exactly is happening
Except you don’t scream
Nor do I
Our fates intertwined
The falling just a faze
But then we come to a stop.









Not really a stop
Because there is no landing and we never burst into pieces
Along the ground
It just stops
And there is nothing
But silence
In the wake
Bursting from the sheets
My face dripping of sweat
I find my hands tangled in my bed
Needing to be free
I sit with my eyes wide open
And gasps of breath are coming from my mouth
I reach for a cup on the bedside table
And swallow the liquid in a single gulp
Only to thirst for so much more
Braden
Is gone
And no longer beside me
I cry because I know it was a dream
It couldn’t have possibly happened
I cry because now I only want you more
I am begging so wearily
For something the world wants me never to have
But then I crawl from the sheets
And I have a plan
Because the world
Is not
In charge of me.
Daze
Still tense
My arms feel like weights
Only pulling me down and down again
Persistence
Carries me along
I look outside the fogged windows
Fogged because of the air and sun and sweat
The car is still there
And the others are still asleep
And it’s like I was given a second chance
I think once more about how long it has been since I spoke to you
And I grit my teeth and don’t want to think
Pick up a newspaper
Slung carelessly across the table
I don’t really read it
I only glance across the pages
But then
I see your face
Your name
And I gasp.


Lived and Lost
Reading
My eyes are so tired from the night but still i find myself
reading it
and unable to believe my eyes
uncontrollable tears
flood my cheeks
and still i am not ashamed
i do not hide them
because beside all the other names
in the obituaries
i find
yours.
Braden Matthews.
Born May 1994
Dead.
I cant believe it
cant believe what i see
and my throat stings
and i want to throw up
because this world we live in
is
DISGUSTING.
Colder than Rain
You cant be
not that awful word, thats clinging in my throat.
DEAD.
I don’t even care that i’m not in your story
because i know
that i always will be.
I remember, almost a month ago now.
when we were in the field
behind your grandma’s house
you were so proud of me
you had to show my face to everyone.
and the clovers were thick
with weeds but also with butterflies.
and one landed on my nose
and i almost screamed but you took my hand
and told me it made me even more beautiful.
and then
we laughed
and rolled over sideways in the grass
and i hid my head in the crook of your neck
and you promised
you’d never go without having to cry.