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Fix.
Controlled by my own mind
A prison inside
It’s crazy when I cry
Because I smile
With tears streaming down my face
The tears scream with pain
But my smile mouths that I’m perfectly fine
The doctors told me my mind was broken
But what about that “new life”?
They say it’s given
To even the worst of us all;
How exactly do you expect me to be redeemed
When I’m
Controlled by my own mind?
A drug can be the fix
That’s what doctors say
That’s also what the other teens say
Why not give it a shot?
They all say it works so what’s the harm?
Just one hit couldn’t do anything
Not when my dad does it
Not when my oldest sister does it
Not when my other sister did it
Not when my mom used to do it
Not when my brother did it
Not when my aunts or cousins do it
Not when my friends do it
So why would it hurt me?
Except it didn’t work.
So I try a sip of alcohol
Because the people who said drugs didn’t work
Also said that alcohol did
So maybe this time it won’t hurt.
Because just about everyone I know does it.
My parents, teachers, friends, family
Why can’t I?
How could it harm me if it doesn’t harm them?
At least it tastes better,
At least it makes me feel better,
At least for the night,
Right?
Except that didn’t work either.
So what do you do then?
When the drugs don’t work
And the alcohol doesn’t satisfy you;
What do you do?
Well exploitation is sitting right at your front door
Boys begging to see your young body
But you’ve always been told not to do specifically that
But your friends do it and so much worse
So it couldn’t do you any harm,
But of course you think twice,
“Maybe I shouldn’t do this”
But you give in because
“I’ll kill myself if you don’t do it”
Was something you heard on the norm
But all that got you was insecurity and isolation
Two things that don’t pair well together
But yet seem to be best friends.
Well isn’t that fun?
Insecurity
Hating your body
Hating your mind
Hating your brain
Hating your heart
Hating yourself
And then on top of all that,
Isolation,
Because you don’t matter to them
You aren’t worthy of their time
You’re just annoying
You’re unimportant
And you’re not needed on this earth.
That couldn’t do any harm...
Could it?
Well it didn’t.
Until she moved the sharp blade across her soft skin
And became addicted to the rush of blood
That spilled out of her
She would justify it
By saying a reason she deserved it
Every time she brought the blade to her chest.
She’s crazy though right?
She’s insane.
She’s mental.
Yeah, she heard all the words they called her.
The words ten times worse,
And the occasional hesitation in others voices when my name was brought up
But I’m a psycho right?
That’s not what you say to my face.
You always tell me that there’s nothing actually wrong with me
And if that’s the case, mom,
Then how am I a psycho?
Please explain it to me like you explain to Nana
When you planned to disown me
And send me to live with her,
Was I still your perfect little angel then?
Or was that when I was a psycho?
She never could understand
Why I said I thought I needed to go to therapy.
Even though I tried to explain it
And she still refused
Because if I told her all the stuff I’ve learned,
All the stuff I relate to,
She just might send me away.
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