Initially thought nothing of what my life had become, or at least the way I was letting things unfold for me. 

I eat my breakfast and dinner alone most days, 

that's normal for me. 

I study alone, 

that's normal for me. 

I go to the gym alone, 

that’s normal for me. 

I see my uncles, aunts, and cousins once a year,

that’s normal for me. 

I never see my friends anymore because they all graduated 

and live 28 moons away, 

that’s normal for me. 

So it was just me and my mother 

most of the time, when she wasn’t working so hard

days and nights for my future; 

or tired from working 

or her high blood sugar.

Tuesday night, my mom never came home from work. 

I thought nothing of it, it was just another day I’d wake on my own and go to sleep on my own.

Wednesday came around. I got up, I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, I put on my makeup, I dressed up, I ate breakfast, and I made my way to school.

In the pit of my stomach I felt it, an odd ache. It was so persistent.

As the day progressed,

the pain and the noise in my mind grew louder.  Almost as if all of this was a physical manifestation of something aching to leave my soul. That afternoon I got a phone call from my mother. I assumed she had made it home.

ME:  “Hello.”

MOM:  “Hey baby, I’m sorry I didn't make it home last night, things got a little complicated after my shift ended.” 

ME: “What do you mean? Please say it quickly because I’m in the middle of class and I don't want to be caught on my phone. Listen, just tell me everything's alright with you.”

MOM: “I’m at the hospital.” 

I felt a sudden weight ambush me, crushing my chest and my head.

With my teacher and the student and family advisory staff's permission, I immediately ran home and tried to compose myself. It was no use.

For the next few moons, oceans burst forth from my eyes. And my eyes now glowed red like the sun when the sky bids farewell to it, to enter it's temporary stage of

darkness,

                void,

                         and silence.

I had lost many things, but I couldn't handle losing the core of my life, my family. That wasn’t normal for me.

Darkness,

                 void,

                         and silence.

What does this mean to you?

To me, it means "teshuvah". Now "teshuvah" is believed by some scholars to be synonymous with repentance. But really, to do "Teshuvah" is to introspect, and to reground yourself, to return to the core essence of who you truly are as a being, to use this rebirth to help yourself, and to help others reconnect with themselves too.

For in the beginning, there were troubled waters, chaos, darkness, and void. And He caringly and lovingly reconciled this chaos to Himself to transform it into something more grand and beautiful. So too, I had to dwell in this chaos to reconcile with my emotions, mind, body, community, and my faith. I sat in my own ocean of chaos, feeling each wave of desperation for control as it crashed into the shores of my mind and my chest as I desperately tried to get sleep. At 2 a.m. I gave up. At around 3 a.m, the noise in my mind dwindled, my blood pressure was regulated back to its usual state, my chest unclenched. Almost as if a kind of peace came over me to relieve me of my pain. This was not normal for me though, for my mother was in the hospital and I wouldn't get news about her state until some time later. How could I feel peace while still crying vast waters, not knowing if I'll be able to see my mother again before at least my birthday, which wasn’t for another 2 weeks. Could it be? Was it His spirit who came to comfort me in my troubles? Any other person would call me a lunatic. But that night, as alone as I somewhat may be, I felt as if I was as strong as an army of millions. Then that feeling hit me even stronger, and I felt that I wasn't alone. 

I started getting flashbacks of my mother, she was still here, fighting in order to continue to give me all the love, care, and compassion a mother can give.

I got flashbacks of my friends, while I don’t see them in person anymore, I still text them.

I got flashbacks of my pastor, who never fails to support me in my journey with our faith.

I got flashbacks of the teachers and staff who are genuinely there to support me at school to help me in my academic journey and to help me grow as a person.

My folks may be few, but they are still there out of loyalty to our bond and that is what is most important. All I needed to do was to open up and reach out, and hope was not lost. But how was I to go about it if I can barely even greet people anymore? I was once again hit with a wave of uncertainty and hopelessness, I was doubting Him, and especially myself. I spent the rest of the night praying in hopes of mustering up the confidence to have a decent school day. Dawn came creeping up on me and I was out of options, no matter how much I wanted to be absent from school again, something in me prompted me to simply just go.

I hesitantly made my way to school, rivers still flowing.

Why? At this point I had no way of knowing.

The whole day was a blur, but there was one thing.

I had finally reached out that day, it had me reflecting.

It had me believing in myself and Him again.

Friday night was soon approaching, so with the little energy I had, I began shopping for food and beverages. I made my way home and started organizing the things into the fridge.

Phone ringing, caller unknown

Me: “Hey there, who’s this?”

Mom: “Hey baby, it's me. The doctor says i’m going to be dismissed this afternoon, everything turned out alright, just wanted to let you know. I love you.”

Me: “Hey mom! I love you too, and oh my gosh I’ll be there right now! Wait for me, I’ll be there.”

Phone call ends

I forgot I even had a headache paired with sinus pain from the tears shed, or a sore throat from the screaming that had taken place the previous nights. I hopped on the quickest train in a jiffy. Didn't matter to me if, during this hour, things could get iffy. I wanted to see my mom, and not just for an hours-worth hospital visit.

As soon as I saw her, I leapt with joy.

Boy oh boy, this weekend was going to be 

one of the best weekends I've had 

in a long time!

Before night came, 

we bought some lo mein 

with a side of bok choy. 

                                 For it was time to celebrate this moment

                                        of newfound revelation and joy!

Being grateful for the things I have, that'll become normal for me.  Making the most of being with my folks, even if it's mostly texting and calling for now, that'll become normal for me. Opening up, though difficult, that'll become normal for me.

Honoring Him in whatever ways I can, that'll become normal for me.