i don't go by the 

name

with which you named

me,

that sunlit day three days after my birth

teary-eyed,

nursing that perfect little baby girl

four pounds eight ounces

the littlest little baby 

girl

born in the hospital that day.

she cooed what sounded to you

like the notes of a 

Melody

you heard somewhere/somehow

you felt it--the spark that spoke to you

singing the harmonies to the lullaby

that your own mother had passed on

to you

and it felt

right.

//

with time she grew to fit the role

the role of a perfect little baby

girl

adorned with that

delicate and fragile smile

and most importantly that heartwarming voice

she sang for whoever came her way

and they'd always praise her

she had found 

solace

through the 

Melody.

//

but in reality her

melodies

were always out of tune

always a minor/major out of place

always missing the half-stop at the end

always forgetting the lines to the chorus

always a little too short for the crowd

always squinting in the back of the classroom

always shoved to the corner

her magic spell wore off,

yet she couldn't pinpoint the pain.

at times she was a little too

rambunctious

so they smirked and called her god forbidden phrases

stripped of her own femininity 

resorting to food 

but even that stopped coming her way

when her mother found out that she was gay

and so she stopped speaking

perhaps for a while

or two

//

and though she was overexposed at a young age

she threw herself into new

medias

new social medias 

that fed into her naïve curiosity

gnawing away at her 

youthful innocence

turning the clock with its blood-stained fingers

and oh she broke the rules that 

ma and pa

had set for her to follow 

the rules that she was supposed to follow 

since birth

since the day she exited her mother

ma made the rules

she broke them.

//

with time it all made sense 

why she hated the way the skirt

fitted her waist, the uncomfort

like a million pair of rotting hands 

belonging to men

smudging ash onto her body

it all made sense 

when she looked in the mirror

cutting pieces away like she

deserved it

she saw the girl across the mirror with her 

girl clothes girl hair girl voice

girl/girl/woman/boy.

boy.