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Reminders That Haunt My Soul
When the wind blows
My hair running faster than my heartbeat
Trying to speak
But my voice is swamped
Stolen
From the yelling
My feet are aching
Pounding
As if it was a headache
Its fluctuating
The way it hurts
Reminds me of the stomping
Reminds me of the slamming
Reminds me of the screaming
I'm pulled back to reality
By the slap of yelling
Cheering
They won the game
They won the hearts of this small town
This small, ugly town
That rips my heart apart
That makes me run to the bathroom
Crying
Tears running down my face
Streaking my memories
It reminds me
Reminds me of the stomping
Reminds me of the slamming
Reminds me of the screaming
I feel my chest rise and fall
But it’s tighter than I’ve ever felt before
I can feel the panic rising
I can feel the tightness of my bra
Constricting me
I can’t feel like this
I haven’t in a while
I have the urge
But it’s been too long for me to give up now
And it would hurt too much
But God
It would feel so good
Letting the pressure go
Letting the blood ease its way down
The way it hurts
Reminds me of the stomping
Reminds me of the slamming
Reminds me of the screaming
I can never understand why I have these attacks
Almost as if my heart is seizing
Shaking
Under pressure
But there’s no pressure
I’m perfectly fine
I’m just cheering
I’m just sweating
I forgot I was crying
Can they tell?
Do they care?
If I walk out it won’t be enough
They won’t be loud enough
They need to scream
Because the way it hurts
Reminds me of the stomping
Reminds me of the slamming
Reminds me of the screaming
Can they see my struggle?
Do they see how I can’t breathe?
Why can I not focus?
Why can I not breathe?
Why is no one stopping me?
Why can’t I just cut?
Why is this so difficult?
I need to breathe
It feels impossible
I feel the weight of it all now
It’s all so heavy
Pushing down on my chest
I have no way of relief
It hurts too bad
I have to deal with it, though
For her
For him
For myself
For my family
I have to stop remembering
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