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all i wanted
like snowflakes walls spinning and voices humming vertigo
they say you enter the fourth dimension but really it becomes all two-dimensional so flat lying there— sprawled on the floor with walls moving or maybe i’m the one moving my memory is sporadic and all i remember which is less than usual is waking up and the pain it was like it is like a blackout a shattering of glass like a vase it once so perfectly held a bouquet of roses but all the roses died like snowflakes they pile up in the worst way and i am stuck in the second dimension not moving still and why are they sobbing it’s just pain not death
but you don’t really know what it is until the autopsy and the doctor reads out loud she died from— and once they say that fateful word no other words matter i guess but they didn’t say died it’s just pain so why does it feel like death i watched my vitals before it happened my blood pressure was stable my pulse-ox dropped and then they put in the anesthesia so it’s all a guessing game from there maybe
something could have happened and who’d know?
maybe i died that moment on the table and maybe i’m still there lying on the table flat and lifeless i thought it was just a tooth but maybe they stole my wisdom, too and maybe i lost my mind like a jellyfish sprawled on the floor flopping a bit— lifeless, really whichever way the water takes me like snowflakes fluttering in the wind but at least they feel no pain they didn’t tell me dying would hurt so much but they didn’t tell me that because they didn’t think that i would die i don’t think they realize they stole the wrong wisdom because they meant the tooth but for some reason i can’t quite think clearly anymore
call it death call it pain for so long i just wanted to feel something but i regret that now it hurts a little too much more than i wanted the snowflakes don’t feel like anything anymore melancholy hearts sing laments for dead little girls who lost their childhoods and write about broken glass fractured mirrors that used to show them the truth and about fading roses like the color in her cheeks as those snowflakes tap lightly she doesn’t feel it anymore
that’s not what she wanted all that she wanted was to be wanted
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I wrote this piece after getting my wisdom teeth out. it feels a bit dramatic now, but I love the imagery and I hope it's relatable in many different ways.