sometimes im impatient

i want to grow up right now, right now,

get away from here

i crave the freedom of a steady paycheck,

outfits not criticized or picked out for me,

freedom to hang a flag on the wall 

and not be scared of repercussions

i wish i could buy an apartment 

and have all my friends over at once 

and not care about the mess

or the bed i havent made

sometimes i want to push the fast-forward button on my life

and skip all of these days that look the same

and winters with no snow, never any snow

im not unhappy now,

but sometimes i feel stifled

not that i dont have the freedom to express myself,

more that i lack the confidence in such close proximity

sometimes the only way i can get through today

is by thinking of what i might have tomorrow

but sometimes i dont want that

sometimes i want to be a little kid again,

to not worry about things like my makeup or my clothes,

to not even have an idea of the worlds preconceptions

about sexuality or gender,

no bias or malice aforethought or behind it

i want to wake up in the morning and complain

about having to get up at 8 am, 8 am

because its so early, mom 

please let me stay home from school just this once

i remember when i didnt think about boys or girls

except for friendship,

and making up crushes under the playset

because come on, its truth or dare

and if no juicy secrets get spilled then whats the point in playing?

i want the freedom of knowing that 

someone else is taking care of me

and i dont have to worry

not now, not ever, baby

funny, isnt it?

i crave both complete control

and total release

everything and nothing

simultaneously

sometimes the feeling is overwhelming,

but i dont know what i need

mom always says i should

be more social,

come out of your room every once in a while

maybe then you wouldnt be so

tired, so

bored, so

done

sometimes i can do that

sometimes i love people,

and being around them,

and i can laugh loud

and i can be happy

but sometimes i just want 

to be alone

where people who say they love me

dont tear down my interests, 

my friends,

me

can i escape into a book?

into the fanfiction i write, then deny,

because someone said

that loving something 

enough to spark creation

is a thing to be ashamed of?

well i think the thing

that you should truly be ashamed of

is hypocrisy, saying you

love someone, you trust them

but obviously you dont trust me enough

to know that when i say how i feel

It isnt up for debate

and you cant just change my mind

like that

i love them,

but i hate them too,

and for me,

that is the shameful thing

but i cant help it

when i cant fully be me,

how can i fully love you?

these moments are when i most crave adulthood

and also when i feel most like a teen 

a stereotype, negative connotations

drilled into me for as long as i can remember

why is it so bad to like being alone?

listening to my music loud, sometimes i can forget my thoughts 

and almost achieve that feeling

of freedom, 

childhood

im not overthinking anything,

i am thinking exactly

the right amount

for me

right now, i am

where i am

and no matter how much i wish 

to be somewhere different,

im not,

and i wont be for a few years yet

and that waiting 

makes me feel 

some sort of way

it makes me feel 

like a

stupid

teenage

stereotype

but maybe

that isnt 

entirely

a bad thing?

after all, i dont have everything

but i dont have nothing either

i have some

glass half empty,

glass half full,

glass cracked

but not broken, not yet

and someday,

i’ll have snow