Do or do not there is no try

I’m trying to forget 

Yet every night I wake up in cold sweat

Frightened by folded sheets, trying to make the ends meet

The memories playing in my head on repeat

Relying on applying the method of crying tears shed

Lying to myself lying alone in bed

Fortifying my knowing I’m foolish

No, I can’t do this

I’m trying to move on

But every feeling tenfold is spawned

I’m told by myself 

To drown myself in my sorrows instead of pictures side by side on the shelf

Hide that deep down so you don’t picture…….

No

I know I can’t think about that 

About him without having all I’ve worked for fall flat

Of course, myself I can control

Push past the toll of forcing myself away

To stray off my high horse

I’m trying I’m trying

I swear to god that I’m trying 

To be better

To listen to the voice inside my head and get her

Penning those letters to an unanswering man’s a choice

Cuz my muted voice can’t cry out for once was

I have to stop trying and alone make it work

But the need of wanting to try again lurks

I shove it down deep with purpose

It creeps ‘round back to the surface

His face the way it looked by moonlight

The ease and grace he had dancing in the dark at night

Torn apart by how he would tease me pretending not to care

It was unfair how his messy gelled hair fell into his vision

Whenever he struggled to make a decision he ran his fingers through those curls

Lingering thoughts at the tips as they would unfurl 

Bit lips hair wrapped around his hands when he felt trapped by premade plans

The memories come back attacking as they fade out

Stop, stop trying and thinking about 

No, just do as you should

Do what you could have always done, a quick cleanse

But my mind wanders back to rolling windows down in your Benz

John Legend on blast hoping the conversations in the dark would always last

Sipping now gulping sitting on a barstool

Losing my damn cool

Breaking every sacred rule you learn in not giving a f*ck school

Drinking and dreaming and screaming and smoking

Provoking random men with make-up and a top cut low

Attempting to get slowed down by the cops

Doing shots on tabletops pulling out all the stops before dropping down on the ground

Nobody knows how hard it is to try not to think

Drinking and drowning and downing vodka on the rocks

So I don’t play the song we used to love on the jukebox

Staring at images of your eyes

I know it is not wise, that I can’t say no

But those eyes, those damn bloody eyes

The way that they looked

Shook you down to your core

Take your best expectations than add so much more

Those eyes that would rise from the floor to meet yours

The depths of the oceans and my heart intertwined so soul soaring above 

When I looked into them I could see someone so in love

Was it him or my reflection?

Blinded by the newfound constant affection

I never understood what it meant to look in someone’s eyes and get lost

He shattered what I thought to be true, my sanity the cost

But I would collapse in those arms exhausted and tired

The map of his eyes caused mine to perspire

Overwhelmed in the all-powerful desire to 

Stare at the most beautiful thing in this cruel existence 

Crueller than trying to keep a distance from the eyes that changed like the tides

Divided into two sides, one was malice glimmering the other heaven delivering

But they were so beautiful and they were all mine 

Being without them is not fine, teetering on the brink of the bottom line

Still stuck on trying to not fall

Fall in love, waist-deep in trust, in us, overwhelming lust

But those eyes attack my willpower bring me back 

Too long hours and longer showers and bouquets of red flowers

To shouting, I’ve never been so happy

To crappy sprits and cheap pizza and promising that I would never leave ya

Fake rings and getting wasted in Playland’s parks

Sinning tracing your skin holding hands in the dark

Flicking on a flickering light in the middle of the night

Try as I might I remember dancing by your phones fading light

For that time you said I looked hot in the color blue

So I rebought a whole wardrobe for you

Doing dishes after a food fist flying war

Denying our feelings and the prying public

Crashing cars and breaking into malls 

Throwing balls at the ceiling 

Stealing my jokes, laughing, crafting, squealing

Finally having my heart start healing

You were the only good thing that I learned to love

Besides shoving down emotions

Going through the motions of stable relationships

The thrill of an acid trip

Skinny dipping while high

Drinking every day to get by

Vomiting up food and vomiting up problems

Drowning in debt not bothering to solve em

I met you and I changed from care-free to wanting a PhD

You were the only thing that I loved about me

I really am trying but finally having something right is addicting

Even if it is fighting with my very nature and contradicting 

I was unloveable I really did try to be so

But trying isn’t within my control

Do or do not there is no try

So I guess I do not

I do not know how to fall out of love and put on a fake show

To let you and all these memories go

To stop fulfilling self-hate and filling up tissues

Cuz maybe you were the one causing the issues

Never calling on time shutting down when in you I would confide

You always put us on separate sides making others weigh in from the outside

After all, for all of my faults at least I can say that I tried