How can I wear my pride without conflict?

Something inside of me wonders;

How can I be myself without backlash?

I am not jealous of other girls or what they wear.

Nor am I influenced by their confidence and elegance.

I am instead  jealous of their freedom.

Freedom; to wear what they want others to see them as.

Confident.

Freedom; to wear what they are comfortable with.

Themselves.

Instead what I get is a ticket back to my room.

A ticket to lack of self-esteem

A ticket to hoodies and sweatpants that I can’t fit;

A ticket to “Who am I?”

“What are you wearing?”

“Cover yourself up.”

“Go change”

“Act like lady”

Even when I am wearing clothes that do not fit.

I attract others like hummingbirds to nectar on a tree.

So why change myself for society’s rules and regulations?

I am a woman.

I am someone who I want to become.

Why change?

I wear my own skin.

I wear what makes me feel confident that day.

I do not care about others' stares or muttering of my style.

My past and how I grew up defines who I am.

But it does not define who I become.

The only thing that stays and lingers in my mind are things others have said;

“Do not make a name for yourself”

Things I started to believe,

“Men are dogs, don't let yourself become a piece of meat.”

Things I started to become.

Self Conscious.

Anxious.

Trapped.

Lost; wondering who I am.

My mirror mimics my movements but today it seems to be asking me the same question I ask myself;

“Who am I wearing today?”

Lydia S                                          Who Am I Wearing?                                        2.29.20