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Walking with Sydney
I took a walk for Sydney down the beach into the waves,
The ocean churning at my feet, icy,
White foam caressing pale toes trodden in black sand.
I imagined two hands,
Yours and mine intertwined,
The rare joy sparking in your face despite the cold.
I think about the wind whipping our hair back,
Laughter as the water soaked our pants.
I wouldn’t have minded.
For you, Sydney, I will dance in the sand, swim in the frigid ocean,
Twirl as the sun dries our clothes.
For you, Sydney, I will cast off my shoes with reckless abandon,
Forget sensory issues and the need for socks.
For you, Sydney, I will find joy in both the most beautiful and hardest of places.
You deserve only the best from me.
I took a walk for Sydney, down the beach amongst memories,
Your tears falling amongst their salty brethren.
Haven’t you heard how salt water heals old wounds?
For you, Sydney,
I will master the art of suturing the psyche,
Learn to bend time and space,
Inching the edges of the divide together,
Closing the injuries of your heart.
For you Sydney,
I walk down this beach with light feet and heavy chest.
I am yours, always have been.
For you Sydney,
I will hold hands, no autistic space bubble as I sit with you in your sadness.
I will wipe your face and hold your body against mine.
I will fight the monsters that seemed to steal the air out of the room.
I will search for meaning amongst these sounds,
Find depths in the swells and crests,
I will look for you amongst the proud rocks that jut towards the sky,
I will find you where you loved the hardest and the most,
In the beauty you forgot existed all around you.
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This is a piece I wrote for my friend whom I lost in September to suicide. Writing has really helped me deal with it. There are references in here to the fact that I am autistic. They are only meant to convey how important she is to me because there are certain interactions I wouldn't normally have with someone due to some of the things that come with being autistic.