Mom, I’m sorry

Dad, are you ashamed of me

I feel like I keep trying

But keeping coming back to the dinner table

To cry

About depression

And eating 400 calories in a day

Though time stand still most my life

I still scream out about how I feel

Because I’m not afraid to let them hear me

Are they just afraid of listening?

To the soft whispers and pouts

While inside are riots and flames

And anger though that can’t explain inside

That today isn’t the right day to start feeling

Give it another try

To compare yourself to those that are suffering

In Sudan right now

Or in my own living room

Friend, I’m sorry for almost losing you on a Monday

It wasn’t the plan for you to die

And I still get your snapchat notifications sometimes

And fear what could have been

Eight day streak vanished again

My other friend, don’t you know you can express who you are?

You have it all, the perfect family, life, friends, no trauma at all

But what about what you keep behind locked doors.

Telling me your mother yells and your dad ignores

But now it comes down to the last one again

Im sorry honey, for not promising you

That I’d always stay the same

Some days my anger fluctuates but I love you just the same

Even if those days I rage sometimes all I hear is me, me, and me

From you

Just the same

But me, I don’t listen too well

And I can’t promise I’m completely worth it

But i’ve had the same conversations with myself over and over again

All I ever ask is, “am I worth it?”

To find love, live life as the barbie doll

But I can’t listen behind my brain being corrupted by the rhythm of music

And the beat always coursing through me

So I won’t listen too clearly

But I’ll still understand

People go through a lot of shit in life

Even if the tears in my eyes still stay the same

I’ll cry for you time and time again

Just to ignore what I’ve got behind my closed, eyes, heart, window, door and soul

Because my life feels like a movie

Even when all the film goes missing

I find the will to get out of my bed

Until one day

I don’t let anyone in to film it

Or view it

Or remember as anything important

Because I am the barbie doll of my life I promise,

That may be hollow yet still has everything to lose on the inside