Dear Sasha and readers,

Everything happens for a reason

Everything will work out

Life is beautiful and never forget it

Do something with your gift of living

You will not regret it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you holds different meanings, you is a different person for all of us, you can even refer to multiple people at a time, but most importantly, you hurt me, you damaged me, you changed me, you have also taught me much about myself, and you can be whoever you want it to be, but know this you no longer holds you back

 

 

 

 

 

you are easier to blame than myself

you forced me to blossom into the person i am today

i am thankful for you.

 

-  it took me years to learn that

it’s the little things i remember about you

that i will never forget

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i will never forget you

like the way you pretend to forget about me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you’ll never leave me

-   i’m not ready to let go

 

 

 

 

my brain is a maze 

and you are just lost in it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

will you ever go away?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

vulnerability is my fear, my discomfort 

but you already knew that

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it’s always you

haunting my nightmares

crushing my dreams

and leaving me wide awake at night

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

your thoughts run through me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i see you in my shadow 

you follow me

 

even as i try to let go

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i hold back with you because i’m scared you might leave me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you held me back

so i let go

but now i’m stuck

and can’t move forward 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you shouldn't be the only thing keeping me going

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

yet i let you be

 

you no longer rule over me

 

 

learn your position 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i’m done wasting my energy on wondering if you still think about me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the more i obsessed with you

the more i hated myself 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i had to learn to let go

the more i gave

the less i got 

the longer i stayed 

the further you ran

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

looking back

the oceans of tears i gave you..

you did not deserve the oceans of tears i gave you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

why did you do this to me i put myself in that position

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

you knew the exact ways to destroy my pride

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

did you purposely leave when i needed you most?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

before i go to bed 

it's you that crosses my mind

you visiting my thoughts

then it’s your presence in my dreams

your company keeping me content 

because it’s you that i feel safe with

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i still remember your smile

but you’ve forgotten about me

in other terms, you’ve moved on

but it doesn't feel this way

it’s not fair this way

how can you let go just like that?

move on with your life as if i wasn’t in it

how is it that easy for you?

i’ve spent days,

i’ve spent months,

but you’re still present in my mind.

my brain knows i need to let you go

my brain even wants to let you go,

but it seems my heart isn’t ready for you to leave.

i can fill your void,

but your void still remains in my heart,

and my heart is not ready to let you go.

we will get there together,

heart and mind connected as one

but it seems 

i still need 

more 

time.

grieving and letting go looks different for everyone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

was i easy access for you,

is that why you kissed me?

gave me so much attention 

so i would fall into your lap for one night 

just for you to pretend it never happened 

now act like i don’t mean anything to you,

do i not mean anything to you?

 

that is the question that hurts me

only because 

i don’t know the answer 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i hate that i can’t get you out of my head 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

welcome to my mind, my thoughts, and parts of my soul

Bad habits

Monday, May 16th, 11:58 am

I continue to pick the skin on my fingers even though they are all already bleeding

I isolate myself even though all I want right now is company 

I choke on the smoke that not only is killing me physically but mentally 

And even though I always think twice before inhaling I do it anyways 

How did I get like this?

My habits control me as I tell everyone around me I’m okay

I’m lying…

I’m not okay

I can’t even wrap my head around what I’m supposed to be doing in class 

I’m panicking under my mask as I continue to rip the skin off my fingers in pain

I’m thinking about death while in the middle of history class continuing my day as if this is normal

I’m being told life will only get more challenging as I can no longer look my mom in the eyes and tell her how I’m really feeling

I’m alone in the middle school locker room typing my feelings because there is nothing else I have the motivation to do

It is one of my close friends birthday today and I was barely able to say the words to her 

I feel as if I’m losing everyone and everything around me

And I’m watching myself do it 

Letting myself do it

Which makes it only feel like I’m slowly dying but already dead

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sensitivity is my weakness

and pretending it’s not makes the insults cut deeper

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

revenge is for the weak

letting karma do its thing is for the strong 

 

 

 

 

 

i write myself to peace heal

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i never knew my writing was a gift 

till i fully unwrapped it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the hopefulness is permanent 

the hopefulness is a part of me

the hopefulness is what gets me through

day by day

month by month

year by year

the hopefulness is permanent 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the hopelessness i feel one day

doesn’t take away the hopefulness i have

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i’ve always seen the glass half empty

i’m ready to start seeing it half full

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the scars on my body explain a story

my mind will fully heal when the scars do a story that will stick with me forever 

even when the scars heal the damage is permanent 

 

i will let a song take over my body

but never a man

 

i put my faith in music

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

music saved me when i couldn't even save myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my biggest fear is looking in the mirror 

and losing everything i’ve gained 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

love is all around me

engraved in me

even when i refuse to see it

i leave love wherever i go

even when i don’t realize it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i’ve missed out on so much due to my mental state

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i’m done missing out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i’m not wasting any more time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how does my mind convince myself i’m alone when i’m surrounded by people who love me more than i love myself 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i deserve so much

why do i tell myself otherwise?

 

 

i lurk

i watch everything around me

i watch as i sit in silence 

the silence that is only pretend

because inside my head my thoughts are racing

one coming in before the other can finish 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i want to love myself the way i love to compare myself to others 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

an intruder lives in my brain

questioning my decisions

and rethinking my choices

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i want to be better so bad 

do so much more with my life 

to the point where i’m overwhelmed to even start

-  i’m scared of my expectations 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

why am i nice to others

but never myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

when i put myself first 

i get called selfish

when i put others first

i drown myself

- where is the in between?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my mistakes don’t define me

 

 

they made me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

invisible

i feel invisible most of the time

my voice is only used when necessary but it’s not being heard

i feel invisible yet feel so many emotions

emotions that weigh me down 

emotions that i’ve been carrying around since i was eleven but never told anyone so i drag them along with me

i try to turn everything into anger but i still feel so heavy

heavy enough to give up

but giving up is not an option 

so i just stay heavy

heavy and invisible

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i want to go home

but home is not where i want to go

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

if my writings a gift,

why does it feel like a chore?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the night sky understands me in a way 

no human ever will

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

only the universe knows

- i don’t even know myself

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so many coincidences

 

not enough answers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

your mindset can change everything 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

through my veins, i can feel the sadness

in every step, it follows me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the sadness is heavy

heavy enough to feel like it’s always there

 

 

 

October 11th, 3:01 pm

Since the beginning of high school, I’ve struggled with letting myself speak

I have thoughts to say, questions to ask, comments to make…

But I sit there in silence 

The room will be full of people and the only voice I will hear is the one inside my head

I know what I should do

I should participate and raise my hand because what is there to lose?

My hand that's playing with my zipper doesn’t move though

Why isn't it moving and why am I not raising my hand?

Why am I sitting here having a discussion with myself about raising my hand?

Why am I thinking of what to do and not just doing it?

At this point, I notice I’m shaking in my chair

My heart is pounding as if I just ran up the stairs 

Why am I so anxious?

All I’m doing is sitting in my chair

Little do the people around me know… 

I’m truly freaking out

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it’s hard to find purpose when you feel like you don’t have any

 

 

 

 

 

 

i am the sh*t. inside and out i am truly the sh*t. 

i forget that once a while and i feel like nothing,

just a waste of an identity,

a soul that has nothing to offer,

but that is not true

and it never will be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

how do i intertwine what i have and what i want?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my emotions and feeling are temporary. i will get through this temporary stage in my life and it will make me stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

care for your community

care for the people around you

inclusivity matters

inclusivity makes a difference

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

be the person who makes someone's day

be the person who brings good into the world

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it hurts that i am not enough for him to defend me when i’m not around

 

 

 

 

- is it because of who i am or he is?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i forget half my thoughts

a quarter of that half are thoughts that will never cross my mind again

it scares me how little i remember, how much i forget

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i matter

whether anyone sees it or not

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i know i’m interesting 

 

but find a different topic

 

my past does not define my name

 

why can’t you accept that?

 

i know i hurt you

 

and i’m sorry

 

i’m truly sorry

 

but i have moved on 

 

and you need to too

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

saying goodbye

is one of the hardest sayings everyone needs to hear

whether to or for

someone or something

saying goodbye

keeps our thoughts from taking over our brains

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

things will get better

they always get better

be patient and gentle

it’s okay not to be okay

i love you and i always will

you are with me till the end

you deserve to be treated better

and i will be the first to apologize:

from myself to myself; i will do better

i’m so hard on you to the point where i forget you can be my worst enemy

we need to take care and work in unity, body, and brain connected as one

i know we can 

and i know we will

i’m so happy we acknowledged the pain i’ve been putting myself through

i know things will get better

they always get better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes there is no in between