I haven’t slept on a bed
Since the day you told me.
I always make sure the space
I have fits one person so I don’t
Feel your ghost wrap around me.
You once gave me comfort, but
Now you suffocate me. The people
I cared about in the past never
Made me feel like I was on the top
Of the world, but you.
My dear you.
You were a whole different story.
I used to wake up with a smile
On my face and a warm fuzzy
Feeling in my tummy. The kind you get
When you were a kid and you woke
Up on Christmas morning and you
Knew what was awaiting for you
Downstairs. It made me want to get
Out of bed. It was a feeling that was
Misplaced for a long while.

I haven’t slept on a bed
Since the day you told me.
My room smells like you even
Though you haven’t been in it
For months. It rots my lungs
But I breathe it in hard and fast
So that I don’t lose it again. I abused
Illegal substances to get you out of
My mind, but you always become the
Centre focus. My cousin tells me
I coo your name in my 2 hour slumber and
She says that I hit my hand against
The wall as if I’m reaching for
Something. My entire body shivers
When I see your face and I feel
My hands buzz. I feel numb
When I do my daily activities
And I forget who I am. I look down
At my hands and I can’t tell if
They belong to me.

I haven’t slept on a bed
Since the day you told me.
You were the home I always
Wanted, but you became
The fire that burned it
Down. You forced yourself
Into my lungs and burned
My insides. I screamed
Out for help, but you said
That I had to fight harder.
I spent nights on the
Bathroom floor weeping
To the moon in hopes
Someone would respond.
That you would respond.
But I got the bitter whispers
Of the voices in my head. The
Icy words cut through my
Throat and I can’t
Stop the bleeding.

I haven’t slept on a bed
Since the day you told me.
You have become the
Nothingness that settles
In my chest in the early
Hours of the morning. I
Stare at the ceiling and I
Feel my blood frost from
The cold walls that
Surround my soul. I
Find myself on my bed
But I don’t remember how
I got there. I just
Remember wanting to
Rip out my bones
To get the feeling of
You out of me. But you
Have found a way to
Stain my insides no
Matter how many
Packs I burn through.

I haven’t slept on a bed
Since the day you told me.
My chest concaves every time
I think about it and I always
End up throwing up. I force
Away the tears because I hate
The burning sensation I
Get when they run
Down my cheeks. I bite
Myself to distract the
Pain and I’m close to using
Others. I’m sick of feeling
The cold seep into my
Bones from the floor. I’m
Sick of vomiting my
Lunch out, I’m sick of
Sitting on the shower floor
And I’m so g****** sick
Of you thinking I’m okay.
But dear,
It’s better off this way.