I forgive you

I never got to say goodbye
I didn’t know what was going on
So oblivious, that I was
Too caught up in myself
Too caught up in the boy I couldn´t get back
Too caught up in social media and staying up late at night
I didn’t even notice you hurting

Someone dies or someone gets hurt
Honestly, I wish you would have died
That way I would’ve got the closure I needed,
The closure I deserved
I wouldn't have to wonder why you never reached out
I wouldn't have to wonder where you are in the world
I could have just moved on

You gave up on us
You gave up on me
You chose alcohol over your own blood
Do you have any idea what that felt like?
Not to have a mother in good health
To feel unworthy and to feel alone
To pick up the shattered pieces of me that you broke
To pick up the pieces of me that you left behind

I used to believe you knew me better than anyone
But there are things you should have been there for
And because you gave up, you weren't there for those things
It's been almost four years now
Too much of me has changed
So how could you know me like you used to?

Now no one gets it
No one knows the real me
No one knows how to calm me down when I´m breaking
No one knows what I´m trying to say when I can't talk
No one understands what I've been through
And no one listens or understands when I try to tell them

You taught me to be confident
You taught me to be strong
You taught me how to love
You taught me how to show my love
And I thank you for that
But you let me go out on my own too soon
When I wasn’t ready to leave the nest yet

But now, after four years, I've learned to live without you
I've learned to look at myself in the mirror when times are rough
To tell myself I’m beautiful
To tell myself I’m strong
And to tell myself I’ve got this
Without you, I wouldn’t be able to say those words
I wouldn't be able to say I forgive you

I never was truly mad at you,
I never blamed you
And even though it hurt so much
I forgive you now for what you did
I forgive you for all the pain you caused

No matter what happens
We always stay the same
Our bond will never falter
Our bond will never fade
Because no matter how much time goes by
There is nothing like a bond between a daughter and her mother