Destiny, defined as being something that is deemed to happen in the future. I think of the color coral. A happy cheerful color. Although it’s not yellow, it reminds me of how happy and bright the sun is.  

Hope and happiness. Destiny. I think it also means strength.  Strength can be found in fate.  Fate is unstoppable.

At the top of a mountain, you’re engulfed with the sweet smell of flowers.  The buzzing and chirping of birds, the most majestic and breathtaking view. The air at the top of the mountain encapsulates you in a  warm embrace.  That’s the feeling of the word Destiny.  

But—I don’t think I fit into this visualization. 

I can be rough and harsh when things get rocky.  A ship caught in a storm at sea. Waves rocking the boat violently, tossing all of the items from one wall to the other.  There are periods of rest when the storm clears up, but there's always the anticipation of the destructive waves returning.

If I could resemble the mountains I would, but through all of my nurture it makes it hard to resemble bliss that I don’t know how to achieve.  I want to feel the embrace of nature. I want to see the mountaintop view.  I try to fake it, I try to act like I do feel the embrace of the mountains and smell the sweetness in the air. But I am lost. 

I lost myself trying to be something that I am not.  I have tried time and time again to act differently from myself. I’ve tried to fit into the visualization of Destiny. To mimic what is accepted by others even if it doesn't fit me.  I just try to “fit in.” 

I dressed differently before, I put on my skinny jeans and a sweater and loved the way I looked in the mirror.  Now I only have satisfaction putting on my lululemon leggings. Name brand. Before I wouldn’t have looked twice at the tag. My hair was always in a messy bun or ponytail. Now it’s perfectly brushed strands hanging down on my shoulders. Touches of makeup to now a full face of highlighter, blush, and bronzer. The real Destiny that is myself didn’t care how I looked until I realized I had to fit the perfectionism of the name Destiny.  I never cared about anyone's judgment before.  Through all of the physical changes I made to stay to date on trends and  fit in, I lost a part of my true self.  

The only thing I can do now is embrace myself.  Realize that I am not perfect or beautiful to most, but I am beautiful to myself.  Continuing to fake my happiness and perfection is exhausting.  Accepting my ocean and wave filled reality is peaceful and easy because it is my own glorious chaos and unpredictability.  

Rather than fitting myself into a blissful meaning of the name Destiny, I will find peace in knowing that I am not a breathtaking mountain view, but I do have warm beautiful days out at sea.  Rather than shoving my ridged edged personality into the circular shape of the name Destiny, I will fit my sharp edges into my ocean view.  

The name Destiny will always be defined as perfection, but I will not.  The mountains will always be beautiful, but the ocean will not.  The ocean does have beautiful days, but not always.

Although I am not the mountain view that the name Destiny had envisioned, the name Destiny still embraces me.  It takes on my imperfections and my bad days.  It takes on that I am lost, and that I don’t know my own fate. Which is okay.