Once that cold hard emptiness sets in like concrete on a grassy field I need some sort of jack hammer to chisel away the numb shell that builds around my core. This is a place of empty loneliness that seems so far from home. It is a place that I don’t want to be around. I can sometimes get lost for days searching for a way out; I feel something that not many teenagers feel. There is this feeling that makes me wish I could take back my past and try again. This feeling or lack of feeling I get seems to make me desensitized in a way that makes me into a spirit or a floater as I would like to call it. At this point I don’t feel emotions and this can last for long periods of time.
I don’t get mad when people call me names. I don’t get sad when something tragic happens and I don’t always get happy when good things happen. It’s like my core has been hallowed out and there is nothing left in it. I can become lost to the world for days. There is only one way to get my feelings back. There is only one thing that can make me feel like I’m alive. That thing is music. I play guitar sing and write songs. The only way to get back into myself is to sing my own songs. Then I can truly and purely express myself. Sometimes I let tears run down my face and not out of sadness or happiness but it’s when I am expressing it is like my soul is leaking out in little droplets. Music isn’t my escape, music is the exact opposite. Music is the way to express myself back to where I belong.