Femininity in its most basic definition merely refers to particular qualities attributed to females. Toxic femininity expands upon this; it is a repressive construct that expects women to conform to certain demeanors and roles in society to be perceived and respected as a woman. While the term “toxic masculinity” is frequently brought up when discussing male behavior characterized by strength, dominance, aggression, and opposition to all things feminine, toxic femininity exists in the realm of “girly girls” where females are pressured to comply with the expected “girl” norms. This pressure demands that a woman is submissive, sensitive, quiet, gentle, and weak simply so that she can uphold the long-standing and unjust gender patriarchy. Moreover, it perpetuates the power imbalance between the stereotypical man and woman, which can be immensely harmful. And, unfortunately, gender toxicity is everywhere–even in the most minute ways.

As someone who calls herself a feminist, I openly deem a woman to be any person who identifies as one. I am more than confident supporting activists who opt to reject the stereotypical idea of a woman or a man. Yet even I, a 16-year-old feminist, find myself not feeling feminine enough at times. That is because–no matter how many times I am reminded that it’s wrong–I can’t help but feel like my femininity is defined by how much I adhere to the archaic social construct of a woman. 

Gender roles have undoubtedly played a large historical role in shaping the modern patriarchy. In ancient days, men were the warriors who went on odysseys, held positions of utmost power, saved the world, and had one or more wives to go home to. Even as the globe underwent modernization and progressed in various aspects, gender roles remained unchanged. For instance, men’s and women’s place in the social hierarchy was definitively established in the Victorian Era through written conduct that obliged women to be passive and inferior. This period in the later nineteenth century solidified the obligation that women were nothing but housewives whose sole purpose was to marry and be mothers to children, while their husbands served as breadwinners and owners of the home. For instance, in his social investigations in Round London: Down East and Up West, Victorian-Era journalist, Montagu Williams writes, “If any one has any doubts as to the brutalities practiced on women by men, let him visit the London Hospital on a Saturday night,” and proceeds to attest that in nine out of ten cases, regular Victorian women’s injuries were caused by domestic brutality. This largely unbalanced dynamic between men and women feeds into male dominance and entitlement, and results in issues such as domestic abuse. 

While it may seem that such occurrences were a larger issue at a time when women couldn’t even vote, abuse caused by toxic gender roles is by no means a negligible issue today. It is because of this history that gender toxicity is ingrained in today’s society, with early symptoms being visible from as early as kindergarten: By now we’ve all seen, heard, or experienced the bullying and mistreatment of young girls in elementary schools. I myself have had my fair share, but my memories of this are clouded by something that I was taught from a young age; that young boys only display affection with impoliteness. It is the infamous saying: “Boys will be boys”. 

Through this phrase, little girls are taught that it is simply within boys’ nature to harm. If she dares question the way she is being treated, parental figures or school authorities tell her that she is being treated the way she is because that is the boy’s way of showing that he likes her. So, instead of standing up against bullying, little girls are forced to stay silent, accept it, and perhaps even be flattered by this twisted idea. Why is it so normal that affection at a young age is shown through bullying? And why do the mentors and protectors in a little kid’s life teach it?

While the answer remains unclear, the impacts that these words have on adolescents are evident. As both the bullies and the victims develop, mistreatment only advances to more harmful measures: harassment, abuse, or assault. Traumas of various kinds as well as identity issues make men feel especially vulnerable, sensitive, or as the American Psychological Association puts it, experience ¨feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness, both of which are in direct opposition to what society expects of men: That they should be strong and in control.¨ This is well represented in the HBO Series, Euphoria, where a troubled Nate Jacobs who internally suffers from domestic abuse, as well as refusal to accept his sexual identity, turns to over-controlling people in his life, misogynistic vocabulary, and abusing women–all so that he can distance himself from femininity or homosexuality. To combat these feelings and traits that “diminish” masculinity, Jacobs and other men often resort to the most extreme qualities of masculinity that in turn, harm women. It is because of this that women begin to feel like they must submit themselves to toxic masculine behavior and subsequently exhibit traits of toxic femininity: gentleness, sensitivity, and submissiveness. A woman witnesses or experiences the qualities of toxic masculinity, and, as a result, does everything in her power to distance herself from it. His overcontrol turns into her lack of control over herself. His brutality and instigation become her victimization. But she is taught that that is the way it should be, and begins to feed into it herself by inching closer to her own powerlessness and a man’s dominance.

Toxic masculinity and femininity are fueled by one another and are only perpetuated each time a little girl is told by her teacher that “Boys will be boys”, a woman is hurt by a man, or internalized struggle carries into gender roles of the most extreme extent. Words and actions have been and continue to spread generationally. So, at what point do we accept that identity is not entirely defined by external demeanor? And more importantly, that unique qualities do not weaken self-identity? Rather, they are just an additional fragment of whoever one feels that they already are.