My mom always asks me how I can deal with some of the crime stories that I read. She wonders why I want to go into criminal justice, when I would have to represent and defend some of the worst people in the country. Sometimes, I wonder that too. I’ve touched on this before, but I don’t really understand where I developed the desire to defend those who have done such wrong — but it’s there and it’s prominent.

The first time I can remember feeling as though I was being silent amidst such injustice, was when I watched a documentary comparing US and Scandinavian prisons and felt disgusted by what I saw. Obviously, third grade me did not jump into understanding the criminal justice system, but that horror remained in my mind until I felt I was able to do something about it.

Throughout middle school, I listened to true crime podcasts, read about stories of serial killers and murderers, and watched videos about some of the most despicable crimes that have occurred in history. Those ideas that formed from the documentary stayed in the back of my mind until eighth grade, when I was given the opportunity to create a makeshift TED Talk on vocational training and its effect on recidivism rates.

I explored the criminal justice system throughout this process and during my research, becoming more engaged and disheartened throughout each step. I argued with friends over the death penalty and lost friendships because I could not see people in a different light after that conversation.

I’ve always been afraid of the dark — afraid of spiders, being home alone, and even Miss Viola Swamp from the children’s story. I have never thought myself to be particularly courageous or gutsy, but hearing these terrible crime stories never phased me as these other fears did. To say I took it in stride would be a massive oversimplification. I feel that I took it in memory, instead. Different crimes constantly revolved through my memory after learning about more and more stories, and kept my interest in criminal justice alive and strong.

Although horror movies have never been my forte, horrific crimes were a learning experience. I tried to dissect them in ways that highlighted social, emotional aspects and humanized these perpetrators who were depicted by the media to lack any humanity at all. I searched for ways to reduce these seemingly evil people down to people who had done something wrong, which helped me deal with these fearful accounts.

So, to my mom I say this: the crimes will always be scary, as will the people. But with every step I take towards humanizing a prisoner, every action I take towards understanding the system, and every opportunity I take that helps spread awareness, the stories will become less and less panic-inducing. Instead, they will merely be a tiny blip in a cause much larger than a single crime — a single narrative — and will simply further me in my efforts to help those who truly can’t help themselves.