“Land of the Rich, Home of the Poor” is the new slogan corporate America has come out with today alongside an all new legislation converting all citizen, public, and government land into corporate land. 

This newly acquired corporate land will be leased out at exorbitant prices for the average American, with most upper class citizens and government officials being given rates reduced by 100%. There were some rumors regarding outrage from the general public about this decision, but we have been assured by the US government and multiple corporate representatives that everyone is happy with this new legislation. 

In other news, the housing market has become inert, being replaced by the new corporate rental market. The stock market is up as this new industry is producing incredible profits at minimal costs, with current rental options being reduced and hiking up prices further. Analysts expect consistent and constant growth in profits as supply is artificially diminished to mimic the success of industries like the diamond market.

New corporate cities are being established across the nation, with some notable additions being Amazon Mega Sweatshop 35 and Microsoft City Plant 27. Almost all small businesses within the country have been bought out or pushed into bankruptcy with corporate representatives confidently saying that “all local businesses and companies will soon be absorbed into the corporate machine.” We look forward to those results!

Starbucks broke the previous record for union busting this week with 105 union busts. the previous record being 94 union busts set by them two weeks ago. Using multiple tactics including intimidation, decrease in working conditions and safety, increased unpaid hours, decreased wages, and removing food privileges, they were able to get a handle on the growing worker resistance across the North, South, East, and West. 

In the last few days, there have been over three hundred million workers attempting to strike, lobby, bargain, and in spite of the uselessness some were able to unionize. This alarming increase in resistance to corporate America has thankfully been swiftly dealt with by widespread pay cuts, increased union busting, and new anti-strike and union legislation passed on behalf of corporations by the senate. 

That is the end of our weekly news report. Thank you for tuning in to for profit news network loyal employees during your daily 10 minute break. Now, get back to work, and remember: you are an appreciated and valuable asset to our ever growing hyper-capitalist state.