I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I sit outside with my eyes closed, enjoying the five minutes of break we are allowed in the middle of my two-hour class. I can smell the rain from yesterday as I hear the birds fluttering about, trying to find food. I listen to my friends talk about the newest shows they’re watching while I drift in and out of sleep. I can feel a headache building from my exhaustion. I hear someone sit next to me and slowly open my eyes.

“Hey, Aashwin! How are you?”

“Oh, I’m okay, but I’ve been kinda stressed for this—”

“Uh-huh, anyways, did you do the homework? I just don’t understand it. Can you help?”

“Yeah, sure, I guess.”

That’s generally how my conversations in high school went with my alleged “friends.” I would be enjoying some small peace between classes, waiting to get picked up by my parents, or eating lunch and laughing with my real friends, but I could never escape the relentless people asking me for help. I have always enjoyed talking to people and am excited to learn about them, but they don’t always seem to feel the same way. Unfortunately, going to a small school from third grade through graduation causes people to put you in a box. I had the reputation of a smart pushover who would help whenever someone needed me. I wouldn’t outright give answers, but I would stop editing my essay to work on someone else’s or stop doing my homework to help someone with theirs. I didn’t even have to know them that well. 

I didn’t realize my feelings at the time, but I often felt like a portable charger. I would start full of energy, happy to help other people, but that strength needed to be recharged. Occasionally, I would run out of juice and could not work anymore. People didn’t realize that they drained their charger, and they would get mad that it wasn’t working anymore. When people finally noticed that I needed time to recharge, they got upset that I was no longer available to them. But I wouldn’t alleviate the strain put on me. I wanted everyone to like me, and I felt I had to be useful for them. If I couldn’t help someone, I couldn’t fathom why they would want to be friends with me. Why would they want a portable charger that wouldn’t charge?

After discussing this feeling of being drained and inadequate with a friend, let’s call her Amy, she agreed that she often felt used as well. However, one of my other friends, Jack, said he never felt like this. He always felt he could say no or put himself first. I realized that Amy’s and my experiences stemmed from being female. Men and women are often awarded the same rights on paper, but in countless cultures, women are still portrayed as the caretakers of the house and family. They are expected to smile all the time and be kind. If a woman doesn’t smile at a man, he gets mad at her and calls her hideous names. Men think they have a right to us, to our smiles, to our bodies. They think they can own us. 

On the other hand, if a woman does smile at a man, rather than simply being perceived as kind, she’s called a tease. Women are not even allowed to be enraged without being called crazy. A man and a woman can have the same expression, but it is interpreted differently, depending on whether it’s on a man or woman. If a man and a woman both scowl, people perceive the woman as angrier than the man. If a man and a woman both smile, people perceive the man as happier than the woman. Women are expected to be happy all the time. If they aren’t, they’re often called insane. Often, men expect their partners to change themselves. Women are expected to become more “feminine” in their relationships and let the man assume the “masculine” role. Most men demand their partners to be a charger. They drain the women around them without even realizing it. That is just how most men were raised. Men insist women charge them, even when women don’t have enough energy. 

Now, of course, this isn’t any individual man’s fault. Most men aren’t allowed to show tender emotions to the world, so they rely on their partners to be their therapists. They’re not taught to handle their emotions, so their anger comes out in harsh ways. But now that there is more awareness of the issues between men and women, perceptions can change too. People do not need to commend fathers for “babysitting” their own kids. That’s just parenting. They don’t need to give additional praise to a man for doing the same jobs around the house a woman does. Women shouldn’t have to be mothers, therapists, chefs, and maids, all while working a full-time job. When my classmates asked me for help, I shouldn’t have been expected to put everyone before me. 

Eventually, I did realize that, contrary to my belief, I didn’t need everyone to like me. I recognized that people must become their own chargers, or at least stop taking from me. So I started to pretend. I pretended I did not know the answers or had other homework. That approach didn’t work well because I still felt I wouldn't have friends if I wasn’t useful to them. I helped certain people, and eventually, that spiraled until I was once again the smart pushover. Ultimately, I stopped trying to be someone I wasn’t. 

But this backfired in another way. After a while of no longer raising my hand in class, I was nervous to start again. I couldn’t stop second-guessing myself, assuming I didn’t know the answer. I didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of everyone. I now know that my true friends would have loved me no matter what, but it’s hard to be rational when you are worried about being alone in high school. So I kept sticking to what I thought was my given role.

Most women I’ve met are the same way. They don’t want to be called crazy for putting themselves first, so they don’t. They continue to try to be chargers for their friends and family. A woman that becomes powerful by putting herself first is called selfish and accused of having a cold heart. But a man that gets power by fighting his way to the top is called ambitious and praised for the same actions that a woman is judged for. 

Not everyone has the same experiences. In fact, the people I have talked to about this are probably like me. This could be an example of the cliche “Birds of a feather flock together.” Perhaps most women do not experience this same feeling and I've just surrounded myself with people who do. People who have the same personalities tend to develop them through the same experiences and find like-minded individuals. However, this feeling of inadequacy is not isolated to the people around me. The last seventy years of feminist writing prove that women across a variety of cultures feel a disconnect between the way they are treated and the way that their male counterparts are treated. The fact that many women have the same experiences shows that the expectations placed on women are irrational. Women are expected to be the chargers to those around them, no matter what harm it causes them.  

Women don’t have to be expected to act this way.  It took me a while, but I eventually learned that I needed to put myself first. I couldn’t let others take advantage of me. However, this should not have happened in the first place. I should not have had to adopt a different personality to avoid helping people. I wanted to enjoy my time without being bombarded with questions. Women who earn their roles shouldn’t be criticized for doing the same things as their male counterparts. As a result of the work of wonderful women, the dynamic is changing. The increase in information about the experiences of both men and women is leading to the two sexes becoming more equal. This equality needs to continue until people no longer scrutinize women for being themselves.