I am a walking, talking, converse-wearing contradiction.

I’m also a freshman in high school. Last summer, I made it my goal to leave a mark with my name on it during my first year of high school. I wanted to make some sort of impact on something as a freshman. Just recently, however, I realized that I was doing more to push away from that goal then to pull towards it. It was like I was taking two steps back.

Who knows what they want to do with their lives at fifteen, though? Just like in Taylor Swift’s song about being that age, the truth, whether you want to admit it or not, is that no one really knows who they want to be until you’re at a crossroads and are forced to make a decision. This decision will be easier and quicker to make for the well prepared, but more difficult for others who haven’t thought that far ahead. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to associate myself with, and who I wanted to be as a person long before high school even started. Now, however, I think I might have landed on a game board spot that is crudely sending me back to start.

I want to be a writer. That much I do know. But writing is ultimately going to be only a small portion of my life. The only thing I have had confidence in this year were the neatly written words that I was constantly scribbling on my notebook paper each and every day. But what have I really accomplished to set myself apart from everyone else, other than prove to myself (again) that I was a better writer than my friends? Do you think they honestly cared that I was better at writing stories, articles, or summaries? They have their own lives to live, while it seems as though mine has come to a screeching halt. All I’ve managed to do was blend in even more so.

I’m a living contradiction because I have a needy desire to get recognized for what I do. Not just in writing, but in basketball, or even on a social level. At the same time, I don’t want the spotlight focused on me. I’ve never liked the thought of being on everyone’s radar, and quite frankly, I would much rather be by myself than with other people. But how on earth am I supposed to be a great writer if I don’t want everybody knowing my name?

By the time my senior year rolls around, I want to have left something behind that will be remembered long after I put on my cap and robe and graduate. What that something is, I still don’t quite know. What I have to keep in mind is: Do I want to be remembered as the quiet, introverted girl or the kick a** amazing one? I have three years left to answer that question.