The world we live In can be such a bizarre and unforgiving place, a place of uncertainty, a place I live in. a place where right can be wrong and wrong could just as easily become right. A place of torment, where no one can understand me and with each moment that passes I drift further and further away from myself, struggling to keep up with another part of me. But what would happen to me if I lose this other half? Would I lose the very thing that separates me from them? And even as this allusive other half remains reluctantly within arm’s reach, is when I begin to feel that yet another part of me is missing, a piece of me I have been missing for a long time, an aspect of my very soul you would say, has escaped me. Perhaps my first mistake was not realizing that it was missing until now… what is it that causes me to drift from myself? What is it that I am missing? How long has it been gone? Will I ever find it? But more importantly, what was I missing and what do I still grasp? It’s like a dream you know you had, but you can’t quite remember, every time I get close to an answer, it slips through my fingers. But until the moment I reclaim my lost pieces, I will be forced to chase myself in an effort to combat the demons that have made refuge in the depth of my soul and a darker part of me that I still grasp that persists to tempt me to stray from my path. I exist in the world of man, fighting a silent war with the poisons of my mind. while those in my reality gaze upon the fruits of my struggle and wonder why I despair the way I do while others merely assume. But if I am defeated by my demons what will become of me? And if I am win will I truly be triumphant, or will I be faced with another road and another battle to test the value of my soul. But how do I find an ally in this war? Who is there to help me when I am fighting myself?
And among this other questions plague my mind… questions regarding my own morality. Is my course of actions reflected as right or wrong? Good or bad? Gazing into the soul is notlike starring into a mirror. Only those who observe me can judge my actions truly. But it seems that none cares enough to try. I want judgment, I need bearings to set to my moral compass. Where is north, where is east? I need a map to guide to…
Yet as I fight , I do not fight alone per say…I fight with the tools of my mind; philosophy, ideas of new and old, those that mesh like clockwork to form more president thoughts as well as those that conflict and feud as is their nature. Oil for the lamp of truth, to cast off the shrouded fog of deceit. But even oil can smother the flame. The thought of purpose was one of those. Is my purpose defined by a singular moment at which could offset the very balance of the soul? Do we as humans live for individual purposes, or for the merely the sake of living? One bestowed upon me, and one from the actions of a dying grandfather. And among them are messages from the world around me, perhaps by acts of God. Without meaningful existence, I would be hollow. Waiting on no one to seal my fate for I alone seek my own holy truth, and to receive it would to enlighten or perhaps condemn me. I have dug deep to surface again. I have crossed a point of no return, my destination; unknown. The path set in blur. And as these ideas are born their feuding does nothing but greaten.

I wonder for what motive I seek this greater truth, when before my only conflict existed in my reality. And perhaps that answer is held in the question itself…what secrets do I hide in my subconscious? What have I still to learn of myself? But alas, only time shall tell. Why is it that my peers hate me? My persona does not coincide with theirs; does that make me a disappointment? Do I fail to meet some criteria to receive affection? But in all truth I don’t care about them. I only wish to be left alone with myself and my writing. I may not care of what becomes of my peers but I am not selfish, I am independent from my peers and my refuge is my literature. Words of new and old, a place where there is nothing but sweet serine order, meaning, understanding… things this world lacks greatly…