Teachers will always ask me what I'm thankful  for, and when I sit there with a blank stare they seem offended. Every week in Sunday school we are asked what blessings God had given us that week, as I sit there silently the teacher tries to help me list off a few things. Now this confuses people, why am I not thankful for anything, or why don’t I acknowledge my blessings? People say your blessings are your friends,  family, and waking up in the morning be thankful, 

“My family hates me and I'm lonely.” I attempt to explain. They seem like they could almost careless, as if the words I had just said are not true.

They respond with, “Your family loves you, they just have to be strict sometimes.” and “ Well what about that girl over there you were talking to earlier.” I get angered, as they do not know my life and how talking to someone doesnt make them your friend. Yet…I keep it all confined inside, because if only they knew it would all get worse. 

When I'm told my family loves me, or to still love them because they are my family I almost want to scream and spill everything I've been hiding out. So in my mind I have a million scenarios running through my mind of what would happen if I let it all out. Getting dragged down to the counselors office, being forced to confess everything. Calling Child and Youth Services, which I have been involved with one to many times. I see them arriving there, and taking me to the psych hospital, which is the last place I want to go to again. And after that, I'd rather not imagine the rest. So just because they are my family does not mean I should respect them or be thankful for them,  for they have hurt me in a way no one else has. 

As for friends, I have none of those, and talking to someone once or twice does not make them my friend. Most of the time I do not talk to people choosingly either, I talk to them because I have too.

Teachers say, “Why not try making friends.” 

I respond simply, “No.” As they give a perplexed look as if I had 3 eyes. 

Deep down though I wanted to say “ No, because people are temporary and friends are fake.” I  didn't want to elaborate just to get a lecture though. 

They question my answer asking, “Why?”

 I just answer with, “I'd rather be alone.”  This is partially true. If only it was fully true though. I want friends, but I want to have a lot of time by myself too. So if being lonely means being alone and protecting my heart from getting hurt, I will choose having no friends any day. 

“Be thankful for waking up every morning, and for life,” they continue, “God has blessed you with the gift of life.” What they don’t know is that I pray to God every night, asking not to wake up tomorrow. As I sit there and zone out while they ask me the question, they make sure I'm listening and I respond with a simple nod.  If I were to say what I was really thinking, I would say life is the last thing I'm thankful for. Even if I said it they wouldn’t understand because they tell me to, “Look for the positives in life, You have so many blessings.” What they don't understand is that telling a person with depression that they have so many blessings and the world is full of negativity, is like telling a color blind person there's so much color in the world.

So, next time when someone can't name their blessings or what they are thankful for, don’t get offended or confused. You don't know their story, and they don’t know yours. If a family is toxic then their toxic, blood doesn't matter. Some people don't know how to make friends, or are too scared of getting hurt. Last but not least, life isn't as great as people make it out to seem, well at least not for everyone. In the end, this question isn’t fit for everyone to answer.