Santa is arguably the most well-known name in the world. Every Christmas hundreds of thousands of kids wait in agony for him to come down their chimney and give them their hearts desires. However, very few realize what an evil little Santa he is. 

      Firstly, he enslaved all the elves of the world. No longer can you find little elves baking cookies in trees or helping out poor cobblers make shoes. Instead, he forces them to work day in and day out making toys. However, that is not all he forces them to do. During the summer, he sends out his elite squadrons of elves to rob banks far and wide to attain money needed to buy the presents, which he then uses to bribe children to believe in him-which is where he gets his power to live forever. Even worse, he forces poor little elves to work in the coal mines, and uses said coal to punish the poor children who resist his attempts at bribery.

       In addition, he illegally violates hundreds of thousands of people's privacy… as he watches them day in and day out. How does he do it, you ask? Ever wonder why house flies' eyes look like cameras… you steal an extra cookie? HE WILL GET YOU!!! and yet, every day on the twenty fourth of December, he sneaks into millions of homes and steals their milk and cookies. Breaking and entering is a crime, Saint Nick! Furthermore, you think he is being kind by giving away tons of toys, but do you know who has to pick up those toys? And calm the children when they break? Or buy them more when they get bored? THE PARENTS! 

       And perhaps the worst of all… he brainwashes those who have spotted him! Leading children to eventually decide he doesn’t exist…and this frightful revelation breaks their hearts! He is a maniac! He steals poor reindeer away from their homes to pull his sleigh, and when one (I believe he calls him Rudolph) is born with an incredible power, a glowing nose, he enslaves him and forces him to pull his sleigh day in and day out through a thick fog! He is a horrible person! Thank you for reading my definitely true and reliable source of information about Santa Klaus. Now, if you’ll please, onto the subject of the Easter Bunny…