Section two:




- 1 -



“So how did you enjoy the carnival honey?”
Amaryllis sinks down into the couch trying to go unnoticed. Her mom folds down the newspaper and they catch each other’s eye.

“What’s the matter honey? Did the rides upset your stomach?”
She roles her eyes and flips the channel on TV.

“You know green tea might help sooth you sweaty.”
She rises from the couch walking out with frustration and annoyance.

“Get a life mom, green tea doesn’t solve all your problems. Okay!”
She slams the door to her bedroom. Her mom mopes at the table coping with the harsh spoken words. But she gives Amaryllis the space and time needed. She leaves a cup of green tea and the sugar cookies she likes on the stove.

Amaryllis leans over the toilet gagging up the dizziness and confusion, which happened to be from her life not the rides. She wiped her mouth then getting up from the toilet and laying on her bed. But that would only resolve her nausea again. She tried to relax her eyes and forget about everything. And the motion began again.


Her eyes popped open and she rose up looking around her big lifeless room. The walls were blank and the floors were bare and naked with nothing but dust to share with. She stepped on to the floor pacing her self out into the hallway into the kitchen. Amaryllis noticed the cookies laying there beside the now cold cup of tea she rejected. She took the plate of cookies sitting at the table.

“What are you doing up this early honey?”
Amaryllis mom walked in rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and adjusting the glasses on her face. Amaryllis turns around slightly as if she’d known that her mom would join her at this hour of the morning.

“I couldn’t sleep any more.”
She walks over to Amaryllis rubbing the back of her arm and then smoothing out her hair. She unties her ponytail, twirling her finger around her hair.

“Mom what was my dad like?”
Her mom stops combing through her hair and she sits down in the chair across from Amaryllis.

“Honey you... You never had a father really… well at least a present one to take care of you and all. Why do you ask?”
She reaches out to touch Amaryllis hand, but she rejects it moving her hand to her lap.

“So that’s all, you adopted me? Or what did I come from some alien planet.”
Amaryllis face goes blank and her checks turn red and violet like a slap on the check.

“No honey I got a sperm donor… because I had had horrible relationships in the begging and I really wanted a baby sweetie I really wanted to have a baby. I just loved them so I…”
She tries to grab her hands again; Amaryllis gets up from the table.

“Your sick, that’s just what you are you’re a sick old woman.”
Her mom stands up shaking her fist at Amaryllis.

“There is nothing wrong with getting a sperm donor Amaryllis, nothing wrong. If I weren’t for me you wouldn’t even been born.”

“Oh shut up you old hag you’re just…”
Her mom comes at her slapping her across the check. Amaryllis head turns fast not knowing what just hit her. She tightened at the hurt and the blister it left beneath her skin. She lifted her hand balling it into a fist punching her mom in her left eye, watching her glasses fall to the ground breaking into pieces. Amaryllis ran out the door, surrendering to the fight.

She runs and runs to were ever her legs lead her. The wind against her battle scar stings as the cool air hits her skin. She stops at a half eaten tree by termites and hard striking lighting that had hit weeks before. She kneeled behind dead tree stomp, hiding from the road of cars.


The room grows warm and deems I sit in a cold hard chair moving around to find soft ground. Something moves swiftly around me, people in matching blue and white scrubs run behind a screaming woman on a stretcher. Her arms are stretched out holding on to the bars placed around her like a babies crib locked away from dangerous things. I follow them down the hall wanting to see more of this woman, I don’t know why they placed me here but I still follow. Maybe it’s my destiny. I wonder down the hall going past the open doors where I stand forgetting what room they went in. Then I hear the woman scream out again, waking up all the neighbors to her. I reach the room and they now have her hooked up to a lot of tubes, her skin is a earth tone and her eyes strike out like a spring green and reminding me of Easter and hiding candy colored eggs in the tall grass. I smile reminding myself of what the past used to be. Another woman enters the room running to her and embracing her tightly smoothing out her candy apple hair on to the pillow. She whispers something into her ear and the other woman begins to cry. I can’t hear or see what the two women are saying or crying about. The other woman touches her belly smoothly and softly. A doctor returns and talks to them both as they hold hands tight and a team of doctors rush in carrying the woman out. The woman shakes and her eyes roll back and her earth tone skin goes pale like the milk in an old kicked around carton. I sit and I wait hoping to see her again not wanting to follow her again though, just waiting.

Thirty minutes have past and the doctor’s return with a towel bundled up and inside is a baby. Its eyes are a golden amber opposite from its mother but sun kissed earth tone that warms my blood. The baby’s hair is a fuzz of red and brown swirled into one. The doctor passes the baby along to the other woman and she cradles her softly singing a lullaby. I stand up walking to the woman wanting to see more of the precious baby. I stare at the woman standing right in front of her, she looks up to me as if to know that I’m there, and she does, she knows I exist now. Because I am the baby, she holds in her arms.






- 2 -

Amaryllis stands dusting her self off from the dirt and gravel underneath her. She walks back home thinking of all the hateful things she has on her mind but she walks calmly to not show her emotions. The porch steps creek as she walks up them and she walks into the door to see the queen icing her bruised eye. She tries to hold in what wants to come out but it bursts out like leaking flames.

“You lied to me?”
She moves closer to the table where she sits.

“Amaryllis what are you talking about?”

“Oh… oh you know exactly what I’m talking about you old nasty lying, two faced devil.”
The queen stands trying to defend her self by raising the other hand that’s free pointing at Amaryllis.

“Don’t you call me a devil, I am your mother and you know nothing. Don’t come in to my house saying things like that.”

“Yeah you wish I didn’t, but I know every thing “Crystal”. You just made me believe I had something great in my life and now you blew it just for once I thought I had something real. But turns out you’re just another liar.
She shakes her head to her looking her straight in the eye.

“But you’re not even my mother.”
Tears come rushing down her dry soften checks like waterfall.

“Amaryllis that’s not true I am your mother and I will be till the day you die.”

“If you are then prove it, prove that you’re the mother of Amaryllis Anna Sofia… And I guess you can’t because your not. My mother died after giving birth to me and you were her best friend and godmother to me, and you promised my mother that you… that you would treat me like your own. And I hate her for that; I hate her for leaving me…”

“You never even knew her Amaryllis how dare you say such awful things like that, your mother loved you.”
More tears came out and her face stiffened from the dried tears and more to come. They scream and yell back and forth to each other with emotions spilling out.

“Then why did she leave me with you? Why the heck did she leave with an ugly stupid person like you then? Uh… uh do you know?”
Amaryllis screams from the top of her lungs, getting red in the face. She runs over to her charging her with a butter knife she picked up from the table.

“Amaryllis put that down, what’s gotten into you... I’m going to call the police if you don’t stop now.”

“Call the police I wish you would maybe they’ll shot me down into a thousand pieces and you can watch me die just like you did my mother.”

“I’m dialing now Amaryllis I told you to back up.”
She moves closer wanting to dart the knife at her, straight to the heart. The queen backs up behind the counter as a block between her and Amaryllis. She picks up the phone calling 9-1-1.

“Why don’t you just drink some green tea to solve your problem uh? Why don’t you just drink some maybe I’ll just disappear just like you wanted me to?”
Amaryllis picks up the cup of tea and throws it at her. The tea splashes on her and the cup shatters on the ground.

“Amaryllis that’s enough stop it, just stop it okay. I don’t have anything else for you…you know it all okay. I’m sorry your mother died but she was my best friend too.”
She moves closer still avoiding her pleads of forgiveness.

“Whatever you’re just a suck up you want me to really believe you …no no I won’t believe you.”
She yells again wanting to just go on and jab the knife through her skin, again and again.

“Put it down now, now.”
She turns around facing the police, the knife still tightly wrapped around her fingers.

“Amaryllis just do it, put it down Amaryllis.”

“I heard him the first time you idiot just shut up gosh.”
Her fingers are still holding on to the knife and she stands still with tears and anger stemming out like fireworks.

“I’m giving you three seconds to put the knife down … one, two, three… put it down now.”

“Amaryllis please just do it, now Ama please.”
Her hands tighten into a fist and she stands still. A shock of thunder hits her left side and she falls to the ground unconscious.






- 3 -

She sits on a hard small cot her back against the wall, and her hands tied behind her back like a prisoner. Her left side acnes of pain and stings from the pressure she gives by touching it. The swelling in her check has gone down. Amaryllis looks around uncertain of were she’s at so she get up from where she’s sitting and find a switch.

“I’m trying to take a nap here sister girl so would you mind turning off that light.”
Amaryllis jumps her heart beating fast, she starts looking around the room to see a dark woman sleeping behind the curtains they placed around each bed.

“Where... Where am I?”

“You in the state hospital baby, Welcome.”
Amaryllis looks down to her feet noticing the grounded tile, and the smell of Clorox in the room.

“Well my name is Clorisha, but most people call me Clo or Isha but I don’t really care call me anything you want.”
Amaryllis wonders around not really listing to her, she opens the door sticking her head out.

“I wouldn’t go out there if I were you; the last person that did woke up in the white room and didn’t eat dinner for two days.”
Amaryllis avoided her talking and walked out of the room, she passed a man in his room gray and old he sat there talking to a stuffed animal.
She passed the next four rooms not daring to look in. She comes to a tall man dressed in a white doctor coat and jeans and a t-shirt.

“What are you doing walking around?”
Amaryllis looks into the room on her right looking at a boy, his hair is jet black, his bangs sit on his right eye going all the way to his chin.

“I…I was going to get some water.”

“I’ll bring you water in a minute go back to your room.”
Amaryllis moved forward trying to go around the skyscraping man.

“I can get it myself.”
She feels eyes staring at her, so she turns facing the boy in his room again, he turns quickly looking down.

“Just go back to your room and I promise I’ll bring you your water.”

“Why can’t just go and get it my self?”
She walks around him but he catches her arm, she twists and stomps on his foot. He yelps in pain and he lets go, Amaryllis runs down the hall busting through doors.

“Security, security.”
A man in uniform chases after Amaryllis she jumps over piles of white sheets left out side the doors. The man grabs for her she dumps over a janitors cart the man slips and falls. Two other big sized men come running after her one catches on to her arm she tries to beat him off but the other man picks her up by her two arms tied together.

“I just wanted some water, put me down… put me down.”
She kicks her legs trying to get lose; the men just walk calmly as if it was normal. She screams loud till her voice is horse and out of tune. They place her down on the ground in a room with no windows and all white.
Tears fall fast and she screams out again.

“I hate you, I hate you, let me out of here. I just wanted some water please let me out.”
She cried into her knees rocking back and forth to calm her self. The door shined a white light and she lifted her head. The nurse had a glass of water in his hands.

“Here’s the glass of water you asked for, and maybe next time you’ll just do as I say won’t you.”
He bent down to hand her water; she kicked the cup into his face letting the water drip off of him.

“Shut up and un tie me.”
The cup spilled over but then stood up right now only half left to drink. The nurse whipped his face off on the coat and started to walk out the room.

“I said untie me you stupid idiot.”
He turned around looking at her.

“No”
He closed the door behind him and left her to suffer. She thought maybe she should’ve listened to Clorisha the first time. She got up from the floor going to lay on the hard cot on the floor. She slept this time, letting all her heavy weight down into the mat to leave her with peace.







“Wake up, wake up.”
Amaryllis moved back and forth, her eyes popped open and she glared at the man she had throw water at.

“It’s six o’clock in the morning what do I need to get up for.”

“Uh no it’s eleven now get up or you’ll be late for lunch.”
She rises up fast.

“Uh lunch, why you didn’t wake me up for breakfast.”

“Because you were disruptive last night and you lost your privilege to go to breakfast now go on.”
He unties her hands from her back; she rubs the red imbedded marks they leave on her skin.

“And what did I do to be disruptive and not eat breakfast.”
He smirks to himself.

“Uh well let’s see you did a lot, you spit water into my face you tripped an officer by throwing a janitors cart in his way, you stepped on my foot and you called me an idiot. Don’t you think that’s enough to get you into the silent room?”

“No I don’t and if you don’t get that Barbie doll look off your face I’m going to put you in the silent room.”

“Come on there waiting for you.”
They walked out the room walking down the hall to a big open space with tables placed every where. All different aged people sat along like a high school cafeteria. They walked in through the double doors.

“Well here you go, the line starts over there and please don’t get into any more trouble.”

“Yes captain.”
He walks off in the other direction and she stares at all the people as they chow down on there food.

“Are you looking for something?”
She turns around; and her roommate stands behind her

“Uh no I’m just fine.”

“I told you so, you didn’t listen to me I heard you screaming last night.”
She walks the other way.

“Yeah I need no more reminders.”
She follows behind her and they walk through the line together.

“Well Chlorisha how did you get here.”
She puts her hand on her hips and looks down through her glasses at her.

“Oh sweaty I’ve been here forever, and I forgot how I even got here.

“Wow that’s pretty tough.”
She piles her plate with every thing she sees and carries it back to an empty table.

“Are you really that hungry?”
She nods her head stuffing garlic bread into her mouth.

“So how did you end up here?”

“I got into a fight.”
She takes a gulp of water and looks down at her food.

“With who, your boyfriend, a teacher?”

“I don’t really know you that well so I’d rather not share all my personal business to others.”

“Girl you better confess I just told you my business.”

“Yes and that was very generous of you, but if you didn’t want to all you had to say was no thanks.”
She got up from her seat carrying her tray to the trashcan, taking only a chocolate cake and a bag of chips from the pile of unfinished foods.

“Where are you going? You know your going to get in trouble for walking in the halls right now.”

“Well then what can I do? They already abused me last night and now I can’t even walk around.”
She walks over to her.

“After this we can go outside and have free time for an hour.”
A nurse came in the room to release every one; she followed the crowd through the double doors they held open.
Captain came walking my way.

“Hey Captain.”

“You have a visitor in the waiting room; it’s a dude who’s like this tall and…”
Her eye‘s get big and she runs to the door of the waiting room.

“Taylor.”
He pulls her in hugging her tight.

“How did you know I was here?”
She releases from him still holding on to his hands.

“My mom told me, so she drove me over here to see you.”
She looks down at the ground, tears forming in her glands.

“I’m sorry Taylor, I don’t know what happened to me yesterday it was like my anger level went up and I couldn’t control it. I have this black eye and this tazzer mark on my side too.”
He looks confused and questionable.

“Do you not know...? What happened to me?”
He shakes his head wanting to know more.

“I asked my mom “Crystal” what happened to my dad and she told me I didn’t have a dad and that she got a sperm donor to have me.” She shakes her head more tears rolling down her checks. “But she lied to me again because Crystal didn’t have me at all, my…my mother died when giving birth to me. But I just can’t believe that she would keep something like that for so long.”
Taylor wraps his arms around her letting her cry into his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry Ama, I’m so sorry.”
He whispered into her ears, rubbing her back to comfort her.

“But that’s not even all, I saw all of this in a vision and I …I saw my mom, she was beautiful her eyes were green and her skin, was sun kissed, you should’ve seen her Taylor she was beautiful. Oh and her hair, it was long and a deep candy apple red. I just wish I had her here now, and maybe I wouldn’t be here.”
He kissed her forehead and she rocked in his arms.

“When will you come visit me again?”
She sits up from his lap.

“Well I’m leaving Thursday to go visit my family in Florida with my parents but I’ll be back in three weeks.”

“Taylor that’s tomorrow and what am I supposed to do with out you for three weeks, …you’re the only one who knows and plus I’m a square here nobody cares about me.”

“I promise I’ll be back to visit you, I promise.”
He hugs her one last time.

“What so you expect me to go on in this place with your sorry hug and your promise.”

“Amaryllis don’t be like that, were best friends I would never leave you like that and I love you. Just don’t get into any trouble.”
Her eyes water again and she makes puppy dog face making Taylor feel sorry for her.

“Come here.” He embraced her again holding tighter.

“Don’t let me go Taylor.”

“I’m sorry Ama.”
He dropped something into her hands then leaving out the door. She waved goodbye to him.


Amaryllis walked back to her room after shower, she dropped her clothes on the floor near her bed. She heard a metal sound under her clothes she found a ring that had paper wrapped up in it. She opened the crumbled piece of paper with Taylor’s writing all over it.

I found this ring and thought of you


- I love u Ama


She looked down at the ring; it had two hands clasped together and a heart was placed inside. She held the note to her chest and slipped the ring on her finger admiring how it looked on her hand.

“What are you over there sniffing about?”
Clorisha sat reading a cross word puzzle.

“Oh sorry I just, I got a ring from my best friend.”
She walked over to her bed showing her the hand, Clorisha looks down at the ring.

“Um, looks more than just a friendship ring to me; I think he’s trying to tell you something.”
She smiles looking down through her glasses.

“No were just friends, I promise we are. Nothing more just best friends just that.”
“Okay”
She puts her book back in her face and Amaryllis goes into her bed facing the wall holding on to the note Taylor wrote to her. She can sleep now, now that she knows Taylor is there.



“Amaryllis just come right here it’s not that far.”
I walked along the sandy ground feeling every mineral linger between my toes. I wrapped the towel around my body tight feeling the wind blow through my damp hair.

“No I’m done getting wet I just want to lie down.”
I lay down on the sand, feeling the cool ground settle with my skin. I listen to all the swish and swoosh of the ocean water. It tickles the tips of my toes sending goose bumps up my spine.

“Oh you’re such a party pooper, get up.”
Taylor hovers over me pulling my hands to get me up.

“Nooo I don’t want to go.”

“Just walk with me then, let’s just walk around for a while.”
I get up dusting my bathing suit off.

“I want a piggy back ride.”
Taylor bends down and I hop on his back wrapping my legs around his waist.

“Gosh you’ve gotten heaver.”

“Oh shut up I bet you lift weights heaver than me. And where are we going anyway?”

“No where I just thought we would just walk around for a while till the sunset came out.”
I play with his hair twirling it around my fingers, his hair so blonde and smooth.

“Oww romantic, shouldn’t you be doing that with your girl friend, not your best friend. I mean it’s so common to see a guy do that with his girl friend.”
I bend my head over to see his reaction.

“Well I guess but I never thought of a sunset as a romantic thing, it’s just something every one should see.”
I look out to the horizon, the sea is calm, and the tides don’t come as frequent.

“Have you ever just looked out into the sea and thought how it would be to be a fish under water.”
Taylor looks up at her smiling.

“Uh no I don’t think I’ve ever just stared out into the sea and thought of being a fish, sorry.”
He bent down to put me back down to the ground. He grabbed my hand as we walked down the path.

“I’m sorry to interrupt again, but don’t you think it’s weird that were always holding hands.”

“No, do you not feel comfortable with me holding your hands? I never really thought anything of it but I guess I’ll stop”
My hand started to sweat and I loosened my grip.

“Nooo, no nothing like that I just think it’s something that people do when there dating and I just…”
Taylor turns to face me.

“What’s with you and this dating topic, I mean everything I’ve done today you’ve said something about dating.”

“I just… never mind that I said anything. But I mean it just seems that we…”
I grab his hand and go silent he holds it tight, as if to never let it go.

“Girl if you don’t eat your food its goanna get cold and nasty.”
Amaryllis plays with the stiff meat loaf drenched in brown sour gravy. She passes her plate to Clorisha knowing that meat loaf is her favorite dish.

“You just don’t know what your missing Ama, you just don’t know.”
She dug into her plate, while Amaryllis looked around trying to find someone interesting to look at. Her eyes set on boy she saw the night she arrived. His hair shoulder length and black, he has bangs down to his chin covering the right side of his face.

“Hey Clo who is that guy right there?”

“Oh that’s Scott, his parents are like million-airs but they put him here because they have no one else to look after him and they think he’s on drugs.”
Amaryllis looks at him again watching him in silence, he doesn’t make much movement, just sits.

“Why don’t you go and introduce your self his about your age I’m sure he’d like some color in his life.”

“You done with your tray?”
She grabs the trays walking over to the trash can dumping all the trash in.

“How do you know so much about that guy?”
They all walk out to the court yard outside.

“Stuff goes around so then every one finds out, but of course nothing of yours has gone around because you refuse to talk about anything.”

“Well my bad I’ve never been much of a gossiper, maybe one day. I’ll meet up with you later.”
She walks to the phone dialing Taylor’s number.

“Hello, Amaryllis is this you?”

“Yeah hey, how’s Florida? Have you taken a lot of pictures?”

“It’s great, I wish you could see it Ama it’s really nice here.”
Amaryllis thinks of the vision she had that evening before she talked to Taylor.

“How is it there have you meet anyone yet?”

“No sadly not except my room mate but it’s only the first week and a few days here so I’m not concerned about making friends I just want to get out.”

“Okay well I got to go Ama but I love you and don’t do anything crazy.

“Love you too.”
She hangs the phone up, looking down at her ring smiling to her self. She bumps into someone not paying much attention to her walk way.

“Oh I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine”
She looks up to see the boy she was eyeing at lunch, and hesitates but then keeps walking.






- 4 -

“Sister Girl you had me waitin forever, I was wondering when you’d be back.”
Amaryllis walks up to Clo, looking at her sit on the swings, her shoes were marked and blushed with dirt stains all over.

“Sorry I was just talking to Taylor on the phone, I thought I told you that when we left the cafeteria.”
She sits on the lowered swing, barely hanging on to the wire tied on to it.

“Does it look like I can remember things...? No I didn’t think so.”

“Oh sorry.”
Clorisha slaps her knee and laughs, she leans her head back almost losing her balance off the swing.

“Girl I’m just joking with you, I got better memory then Albert Einstein, or that silly old blue fish Dora.”

“Uh… don’t you mean Dory?”
Clo looks at Amaryllis confused, and then they both break out of laughter at her mistake.

“Ouh girl you going to make me pee in my pants…well I haven’t had a good laugh like that in a while.”
She wipes the small tears from her eyes.
Amaryllis starts to swing, moving her feet far out in the air then bringing them back close to her body.

“Be careful, you wouldn’t want that old swing come tumbling down, now would you.”
Clorisha speaks like an experienced mother, with care and love in her heart. She just sits to watch Ama swing so high it seemed like if you were in a far enough distance she was flying.



Amaryllis sat on an old worn out lawn chair, her sandy brown red hair spiraled out against the poorly woven chair. The night breeze was cool and subtle; feeling like the breeze of the ocean sent her way. She imagined her self walking along the dock, hand and hand with Taylor and him holding her forever.

“You know your not suppose to go out at night with wet hair.”
Amaryllis sat up, she turned around to see Clo standing in the door way holding her hand on her hip. She wrapped the towel around her damp wet skin.

“How did you find me up here?”

“You lead me here, I saw wet foot prints leading down the hall way. Any one could’ve found you, you left an obvious trail.”
Amaryllis smiles and moves over leaving a space for her to sit. She sits and looks up into the stars.

“I see you’re a star gazer, my daddy used to always look up in the stars at night, drinking his coffee. Singing hymns from church. “
Amaryllis looked trying to find that picture of her dad in the stars, but only left to find the dark surrounding of sky and the five pointed objects they called stars. She turns to face Clo.

“Can you braid hair?”
Clorisha bent her head down trying to make eye level with her.

“Gurl please, I’ve been braiding hair before I knew how to crawl.
Clo turned facing the back of Amaryllis to braid her hair, she combed through with her hands. Feeling the cold wet strands of hair against her warm dark skin. She separated her hair into three even pieces, gently threading the thick mane into one neatly placed braid. Ama set her head back leaning on Clo as a support.

“Clo are we friends now?”

“Do I love meat loaf?”
She smiled looking down at Ama setting her head on hers. They had become like peas in pod, like banana’s in a Sunday, or cheese and crackers. Just meant to be. Mother and daughter.



Amaryllis turned and clenched at her aching stomach, her bed made the most annoying sounds. It reminded her of a plastic bag being crumbled up. She rose up from her bed looking at the clock then to Clo’s bed. Her comforter was folded neatly and tight around the sides with a peek of the sheet to add neatness and lady like. It was like bed model, picture perfect. She slipped on her mix-match flip flops and walked out of her room into the cafeteria were breakfast would be served. She spots Clo sitting at a table alone, so she joins her.

“Why did you leave without me?”
She looks up at Amaryllis with a sarcastic look on her face.

“Gurl you old enough to get up on your own, I thought maybe you needed some time to sleep or something.”
Clo passes her a piece of toast with jelly spread on it, and she rejects.

“No my stomach is hurting right now.”

“Well were about to get break time and breakfast will end so you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”
She nods her head and Clo gets up from the table to throw away her trash.

“You coming or not, me and some others are going to go walking outside for break.”

“No I’ll just stay in and meet up with you later today.”

“Okay but you’re missing out.”
Clo walks on following the crows of people in front of her out the double doors leading to the court yard, while Amaryllis stays behind with a few others who chat to each other. She grabs her stomach, trying to sooth the rhythm tic pain that comes and goes like a hiccup interrupting as it pleases. Her head feels light and the floor feels like it’s moving even though she was sitting, and her throat felt like acid. She got up walking over to the trash can lifting off the top and leaning over. A weight or a burden was inside her and she let it go, releasing all the burden into the trash can. Her body hunched and brittle at the moment trying to hold on to the closest thing she had to life, the loud gagging and gasps for air were shocking to the few that were in the room. Two people got up running calling Captain in the room. She continued to throw up causing her body to feel weak and hopeless. A boy with jet black hair sitting there as hopeless as her looked up from his uninteresting book watching her in pain. Captain ran in the room, he had a wet paper towel in his hand and slapped it on her forehead; he patted her gently rubbing her hunched bones.

“Come on sweetie I’m going to take you to lay down.”
She whipped her face, flushed red from the blood rushing down to her head and her eyes dropped down, making them look watery and blood shot. She walked behind Captain slowly dragging her feet. She stopped in the hallway leaning over putting her back against the wall, she spit out blood catching it in her palms. Captain stopped running back to her patting her back. Tears ran down her eyes from the pain and nauseation she was in, she sat down on the floor crying into her knees. Captain reached down grabbing her and carrying her in his arms. He walked down the hall into her room placing her on her bed. He pulled up the trash can and a wet towel to lie on her forehead.

“You stay here a moment I’m going to go get you something to make you feel better.”
She grasped at here stomach almost tearing her skin into strips. Her jagged nails against her hurting bare skin. She leaned over the bed throwing up more blood. Bone and flesh hit the ground.

“Amaryllis, oh my god Amaryllis come on.”
Captain rushed in the room beside Amaryllis flipping her over to her back looking at her eyes rolled back to the ceiling. Her mouth wide open as a dead cow on the road. If he didn’t get her help soon enough she would be that dead cow on the road.






- 5 -
I write this letter to the world that was never written to me. Never a heads up on how human world might be, not even a manual of things that might go on. But I guess if we all had perfect lives there would be nothing to live for. I don’t know why I have these thoughts or so called dreams but, there teaching me I just wish everyone else could see. I lift my head looking around in a mysterious space, but this time it’s just air. I rise and move around walking slowly. Into nothing. Swirling and spinning in circles I go round and round making myself dizzy. My head lifts upward to the blank surrounding and I close my eyes and embrace it.

Crystal lies beside Amaryllis parting her hair swirled out on to the pillow. She looks at her dearly as if to cry any minute. Amaryllis turns her head wakening out of sleep. She lifts up her arm to see tubes coming in every direction, and the constant beeping sound in the back ground of all the hospital sounds. The throbbing and pain was removed from her side she touched the womb smoothing it out with her hands. Crystal laid her hand on her forehead then leaning over to kiss her. Amaryllis wanted to move away but was too weak to be rebellious, so she sat there in all discomfort. A man in a white coat walked into the room his head was going bald but looked like he was In late thirty’s and still a bachelor. Crystal stood and walked towards the doctor.

“We have some news and doctor requests for you.”
She nods her head in anticipation, looking back at Amaryllis as her eyes slowly shut but still listening in.

“We think cause of Amaryllis stomach pains and throwing up is maybe food poisoning or maybe an allergic reaction to spoiled or poorly cooked food. From throwing up she has a slight tear in her esophagus and that’s the cause of here throwing up blood. We advise her to only drink water for her fluids and eat soft chilled foods like apple sauce or yogurt.”
She nods her head.

“Amaryllis is currently living in the state hospital will they provide her with that?”

“Yes we will give her something to notify the hospital of her needs. I’ll have the nurse bring in her note as soon as ya’ll a ready to leave.”
He leaves out the door closing it gently. Crystal walks beside her bed looking down at her. The doctor peeks his head back in the door.

“I would also like her to not speak for the next three days to let her throat heal.
He leaves back out the door, and Crystal leans down to her level.

“Honey I hope you feel better I wish I could take you home and take care of you myself…but I guess they want you to stay in the state hospital for a couple more weeks or so.”
She turns her head to the other cheek trying to block out her words and fake sympathy for putting her here in this situation. If she could only speak, lord knows what she would say.

“Schools about to start up again you know, Taylor’s parents said they’d be returning soon.”
She moved to her left side facing the shuttered up window with thick heavy curtains hiding the outside world.

“Look I’m sorry sweetie but this....... this was my only option for you, I love you and I don’t want anything to hurt you or get in your way.”

“So you block me from everybody else, and lie to me.”
Her voice sounds like a jar of nails clinging together, an uneven harmony. Crystal grabs her things and walks out the door knowing was her time to go, prevailing another fight.






“Welcome back Ama. You though you were goin slip away from us uh.”
Clorisha gives her a soft motherly hug as she walks into the front door of the hospital. And standing behind her was captain; he stood there with his hands clasp in front of him. She walked over to him shaking his hands and smiling. He handed her a white board with a string attached to go around her neck to make things easier for her not to talk. She and Clorisha walked into there room and Amaryllis had two bears sitting at the edge of her bed. She sat and read the notes attached to them, both anonymous.

“I found those bears outside our door this morning; I was guessing they belonged to you so I left them on your bed.” She lay down on her bed trying to solve another cross word puzzle. Amaryllis got up from her bed and walked to the door.

“Um and were do you think your going young lady?”
Amaryllis wrote on her white board. “Up on the roof.”

“Well you be back by 9:30pm, I wouldn’t want batman to come a grab you.”
Amaryllis smiled and walked out the door walking up the stairs leading her to the roof. The air was chilled and the sky was darkening as the moon cast a light shadow on the tree tops. She walked to the broken rusted chairs occupied by the boy with dark hair and a piercing through his lower lip. She sat a far distance from him. She looked up into the sky feeling the light breeze that sent chills up her spine.

“You like star gazing?”
She snapped out of her moment looking to the boy next to her hesitating to speak then just nodding her head in response. He shook his head and looked the other way. She sat staring at the side of his face covered with bangs; he flipped his hair back looking her way. He looked down at her white board around her neck.

“It must suck not being able to talk.......” He pauses looking down at his shoes trying to make small talk with her. “What’s your name?”
She wrote down her name on the board writing it down in all caps.

“AMARYLLIS”

“Scott, my names Scott.”
He scoots closer by her meeting her half way to the distance. She offered a hand shaking it softly. She had never begun a greeting like this but thought it was appropriate.

“So what brings you here?”

“My mom’s a JERK.”
He laughs when he sees her writing.”

“Oh I see the typical mommy daughter fights. What did you do run away from home, on drugs?”
She avoids his question and writes something on the board.

“ARE YOU EMO?”
He chuckles and flips the hair out of his face again.

“No, no not really.”
He looks down at his worn out faded black skinny jeans and plaid black and red shirt with a hidden Beatles shirt.

“I’ve been seeing you around here for a while but I just haven’t had the guts to talk to you.”

“What’s there to be scared about I’m just human”
She writes small to make it all fit in the small space on the board.

“Exactly, humans judge people by appearances and I thought you would be that kind…. But I guess your not.”
She smiles and erases the writing from the board then gazing back up into the stars.

“I have to go now, see u later.”
She walks away back inside while she lays back on the chair looking up into the stars as they pop out one by one.





- 6 -

“Time flies by fast when your having fun”, but that’s in a perfect world. Living in a crazy house is not defined as normal, at least not in this society. The time must be different through these walls, it’s always 7am breakfast, 12pm sharp lunch, 1 o’clock break, 5 pm dinner, and showers are at 7pm or when ever some one has an accident. It happens frequently. The clock work is like a timer when it strikes the soldiers march to duty. No questions about it, it just happens.


Again wishing the clock would not strike to wake her or control humans like elves in Santa’s work shop. Though it did. She lifted her head rising and noticing the sleep and heaviness she hadn’t noticed before or the following nights. Clorisha was still in bed by the time she got down to the cafeteria not noticing but she probably needed the sleep she stayed up solving a puzzle as usual. Her feet dragged behind her like a dog’s tail to show pity to its master, looking around she sat at an empty table in the corner as if to say “please don’t bother me.” But in all situations there’s someone that doesn’t see that, it’s always the happy go lucky ones. He plops his tray down on the table then sliding on to the bench across from her. Not even speaking he chomps down on his food, his head bowed down hiding a soft non- infected face. He wears a blue shirt previously owned by a dude in his late thirty’s Amaryllis guess by just looking. The text says “Yellow submarine” featuring the Beatles down below.

“You like the Beatles?”
Her voice still has a crack sounds like a well progressed smoker, she tries to clear out her throat but there’s nothing to clear.

“Yeah … what about you?”
She opens her mouth to speak but nothing comes out, she tries clearing her throat again.

“You… Uh I can read lips just fine, or you could just shake your head “yes” or “no”.”
She nodded her head and smiled politely now grateful for his presence. He laughed to himself then thinking of what to ask he next.

“Uh do you have any siblings?”
She shook her head and he looked back down trying to think of something to keep them both entertained. She patted the table to get his attention then pointing to him.

“Do I have any siblings?”
She nodded her head.

“No but I’ve always wanted a little brother”
Amaryllis thought of Taylor’s little sister Elizabeth, her two long pigtails braided as tightly so her curls wouldn’t come out. She always kept shut in her room like a princess locked in her castle.

“What kind of music do you like?”
She shrugs her shoulder, trying to keep from the temptation to run her fingers through his hair that moves so softly when he makes the slightest movements.

“Do you like …um it’s so hard to think.”
She moves her hands like a wave back and forth like she’s about to dive into a swimming pool.

“Oh you like to swim?”
She nods her head smiling.

“I do to we have a pool at my house but I rarely swam in it. Oh yeah what instruments do you play anything? I play the piano.”
She jerks back almost falling out her seat, her eyes get big and she just stares at him. She moves her hands closer to his seeing if the myth is really true. She reaches for his hand but he moves them back slightly.

“You’re a palm reader?”
Her voice finally breaks in.

“No I want to see if you have piano fingers.”
He stretches out his hand on the table and she traces over the lines softly looking at his long skinny fingers, far apart like Texas and Maine. He looked down at her trying to see what she was looking for. She let go of his hand folding them and pushing them back over to him.

“What… what did you see?”
She avoids his question and moves on now that her voice has regained some strength and not clumps of dryness sitting in her throat.

“How many years have you played the piano?”

“Uh since I was like six, uh I don’t know. My parents started me up young.”

“So your good at it then, have you played recently.”

“A little bit but no I haven’t played recently though.”
He looks down at his abandoned food he left to sit and harden; he pushed his tray to the side moving it out of his way.

“I heard there’s a piano some where in this place, maybe you could play a song for me some time.”
She sees Clo in the distance behind Scott waving her hand motioning her to come to here where she sits alone. Amaryllis waves her hand for her to stop. Scott turns around seeing who was behind him she hits his hand to turn him around.

“Tonight at 8pm and don’t be late.”
She gets up walking to Clo, as the clerks open the doors to let them return back into there rooms.



Clo walks into the room before her sitting on the edge of her bed waiting for Amaryllis to shut the door. She smiles and leans into the back of the door.

“Oww girl you got a crush.”
Clo sings in a hum, Amaryllis tan Philippine skin blushes.

“Oh stop it Clo I so do not.”

“Gurl I see it in your face, you like Scott don’t you?”
Amaryllis looks into the mirror hanging from the back of the door trying to see a difference in her skin pushing up her cheeks and examine her eyes. She sighs and gives up the lie.

“I’m supposed to meet him in the piano room at 8pm tonight.”
Clorisha shakes her head and looks to her as if to say I told you so but nothing comes out her mouth and she just smiles.

“Gurl don’t you got enough, what about Taylor ain’t there something between ya’ll.”

“No were friends I’m sure he wouldn’t care.”
Clo throws her hands up surrendering.

“Hey well you know him better than I do I’m just telling you to be careful you might end up hurting him.”
Amaryllis looks at her with a slight hate that she even brought the thought of hurting Taylor. She would never hurt him they were only friends he was open to dating he just chose not to and he would never stop her from doing so either.

“You don’t get it me and Taylor are like brother and sisters we stick together no matter what, and nothings ever going to change between us.”

“All right now you be careful with those words, and how do you know “never” anything could happen.”

“Well I’ve been through to much to let him go there will have to be something disastrous to break us apart, but I’ve already been through it and he’s still by my side……..” Amaryllis head hangs low and tears form in her eyes. Clo reaches out to her and she sit in the space left open on her bed and she cuddles her.

“I’ve lost my mother my life and who knows where my dad is. I don’t know why it happen but it did no one has been there to dust me off when I fall off a bike or kiss my woes because I’ve never been hurt that way it’s all inside of me. Taylor says I’m an onion because you have to peel me back slowly, but sometimes I hurt others with no intention…. I just want help, I really do.”
Clo rocks her sitting between her thighs humming nursery hymns kissing her forehead as she cried softly to sleep.





- 7 -
Light pierces into my eyes and I shutter then with my arm I look down the narrow path in front of me. Then notice black cement walls surround me like an old cell, two shadows perfectly angled to make out the two masculine figures that are stripped of there clothing and only left with there under garments to show. I stranded my eyes to focus upon the weakened bodies trying to notify them.

“Who are you?”
I speak with authority and volume making sure they heard me clear. One of them rocked forward his head and his waist attached to a lose rope, his body hit back to the wall.

“Amaryllis?”
Atoms and blood rushed through my brain like an obstacle course; I listened closely to the voice that spoke out my name.

“Taylor …. Is that you?”
My cardio system rushed it felt as if I was about jump into the Grand Canyon or the empire state building I braced my self for the words he spoke out again.

“It’s Scott but Taylor’s right next to me…. I don’t know what’s going on Amaryllis.”
I could hear the trembling and fright in his voice as he spoke but to me this was normal I wasn’t afraid of this life anymore it became as a freedom and thrill.

“You going to be fine just…just stay calm Scott.”
My voice sounded soothing and adult like flowing out through my lips.

“Scott how’s Taylor is he still alive? Is he okay…”

“Yes I’m fine, if you wanted to find out why didn’t you just ask me?”
Weight of bricks landed on her foot but she just tossed them off not daring to look at the burse left for her, he had never used the sarcastic tone with her.

“How long have we been here do you know?”
I aimed my question towards Scott because Taylor would only answer in a rude sarcastic tone back to me. The hesitation in Scott voice was like a split wall he didn’t want to get on Taylor’s bad side but didn’t want to hurt me.

“I… I don’t know but it’s really hot in here.”

“It doesn’t matter and if ya’ll two would shut your mouths we could find away to get out.”

“Taylor what’s gotten into you were all on the same boat stuck and stranded.”

“Yeah well it’s not as worse as being stranded with…. With.”
My anger level rose about to hit the top.

“What, what go head and say it, you hate me don’t you because I’m …”
Taylor stopped his words from reaching his tongue.

“Don’t you even say it… get it out of your mouth? You don’t even know anything about us.”

“Boy’s just stop it just stop… okay were not going to get out of her unless we work together. …..” I paused giving them a chance to go on with there argument but they stopped. “Now the only way out is up.”
I looked up above my head noticing that I too was attached to a rope, wrapped around my waist and my neck like the both of them.

“And how are we going to do that both our neck and waist are tied together, if I untie my waist I’ll hang myself. And if I untie my neck I’ll be hung upside down.”
I untie slowly the rope against my waist.

“Ama what are you doing?”
I steadily try to not make as much movement to prepare myself.

“The only way ya’ll will get out is if I untie myself and let the weight go so that you both will rise up to the top.”

“What…what are you saying Ama, if you let go you’ll die.”
Scott interrupts.

“She’s saying we must be on a pulley system, right now were all at even weight
But if one of us falls then the remaining two will go up.”

“Ama you don’t know what your doing don’t even think about uniting your self.”
The sun shines at its brightest shining upon the tow hanging as I untie the rope around my waist. I close my eyes shut wishing it would all be over in a snap.

“I’m sorry guys, but hopefully nothing will go unchanged of my absences.”
I let go of the rope falling and feeling a inch of freedom then living to hear the gagging of my own breath as it’s sucked out of me, I could hold on to the rope pulling my self up but I choose not to. It’s only for the better so I struggle hopelessly and then hearing the snap of my neck. I’m gone.



Her head still lying on the bosom of Clo as she lay fast asleep drifting off of her own lullaby. Amaryllis moves slowly from underneath her arm and gently pats her and covers her with her blanket slipping out the room. She walks down the hallway tiptoeing every step to not catch attention to any nurses on duty. She doesn’t know if a piano really exists in this building if only she could figure it out, she looks around an unfamiliar corner looking to find an empty room filled with cobs and in the dark corner sits a piano. She looks both ways be for running down the hall but something grabs hold of her arm and pulls her into the dark room.

“Oh… oh my god you scared me.”
Amaryllis grabs her chest and laughs at the sight of Scott. He smiles and turns on the light in the well used room, piled with old equipment and beds worn out and gray. She looks around the room at the pile of old mattress and dirt green sofas.

“Wow I didn’t know a place like this existed.”
Scott nodded his head then walking over to the unused piano pulling up the squeaky bench to sit on.

“Yeah I bribed a nurse into telling me where this place was.”
She sits in the empty spot he leaves open.

“What did you pay?”

“Oh tomorrow’s meat loaf and chocolate cake…So what should I play for you, my memories not that good, I haven’t played in a year.”

“What about Pachebbel cannon or … just surprise me.”
His fingers arch them selves on the keyboard; he closes his eyes finding the seine in his body relaxing all muscles. His fingers rest and he settles on a key and after others follow. The music sounds victorious from the old spotted rustic keys; he plays the melody from memorization and heart as of years of dedication and talent. The melody brings a time of devastation and tender souls embracing life to it’s fullest like roots embedding themselves to the earth, not letting go through stormy weathers and high winds. It ends with a unfinished ending an absolute stop. She still has her eyes shut waiting and wanting the story to move on but it doesn’t. She opens her eyes to see him staring at her.

“How… How did you like it, I just did that from what I know but I could…”

“Shhh…”
She puts her finger to his lips and leans into him kissing his lips; they feel untouched and innocent but new in discovery when she feels his violated piercing looped through his lower lip. She backs off slowly opening her eyes.

“It was beautiful….thank you. I think I should leave now.”
She gets up from the bench walking away then turning around at the sound of his voice.

“I…uh if you’re interested in the Beatles CDs I can bring you the collection…I have them all.”
She smiles and nods her head, them both knowing that he chickened out to tell her what he really wanted to say. She carelessly walks out the room. Them both knowing they had a future together.