SUPERHEROES:
PROFESSOR PACIFIST, He non-violently protests in front of crime until they give up and go home.
MOIST, He makes villains feel so uncomfortable they just end up leaving so they can go home and shower, the sidekick to P.P.
COMMANDER COUNCILOR, He helps villains realize where they went wrong in life and helps them realize their full potential.

SUPER VILLAINS:
CAPTAIN COMMUNIST, Stands against all things capitalist and free.
THE STATIC SOCK, Shocks people by creating kinetic energy via his super socks, sidekick to C.C.
GENERAL GROTESQUE, Your usual French nasty dude, he wages war against decency.

OTHER CHARACTERS:
AVERAGE JOE, An average man with no superpowers, the personal assistant to P.P. and MOIST, he is also the clerk for the league.
PLAIN JANE, The very monotone secretary to the league, her superpowers include; boring villains to sleep, and pristine grammar.
D.A., The District Attorney of the city, he’s pushy and paranoid...all the time.
OMNISCIENT VOICE, much like a comic book yellow box in the sense that he describes the missing information
FRANK, A twelve year old typical boy, who loves videogames.



Takes place inside the secret lair of the League, as well and around the lair.


(At Rise. The Lights are dim and by means of spot light, you see nothing but MOIST and THE STATIC SOCK are sitting at two computers which face each other. When the Omniscient Voice is talking, the characters freeze, and a spotlight closes in on the person which the voice is talking about, all other lights go black. Once the voice stops talking, life resumes.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
These are the guardians who protect the city... if there were anything to protect. (Beat.) The best kind of superheroes aren’t the kinds that protect the people, the best kind of superheroes are the kinds who remind people that they can be super too.

MOIST:
VICTORY!! I just saved the princess.... again!!!!!

(Moist freezes.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Moist, superhero, age twenty-three, Superpowers include; condensation and making one feel as though he desperately needs a shower. Sidekick to the Professor.

STATIC SOCK:
Dude! how’d you defeat Browser!!!?

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
The Static SOCK, villain, age unknown, uses his socks to create kinetic energy.

MOIST:
Well, what you gotta do is...

(As the two talk, the lights rise, and the other superheroes and villains come out in their full attire. PROFESSOR PACIFIST EMERGES, spotlight falls in on him.)



OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Professor Pacifist, superhero, leader of the league, he non-violently protests crime.


(PROFESSOR PACIFIST and COMMANDER COUNCILOR go to sit on the couch in front of a television and begin playing video games.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Commander Councilor, children’s psychologist and councilor. He has a PHD and a doctorate in psychological studies. Uses his analytical abilities to help villains realize where them went wrong, and steer them back on track.

(CAPTAIN COMMUNIST and GENERAL GROTESQUE are arguing about whether or not the rumors of a new Starcraft are true or false.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Captain Communist, villain, stands against all things capitalist and free. (Beat.) General Grotesque, leader of the third reich of garbage men. He wages a personal war against decency.

(AVERAGE JOE comes out with his laptop and sits in a beanbag chair by the microwave and the mini fridge.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Average Joe, (beat.) Does this guy really even do anything? (pause.) I don’t know...

(PLAIN JANE goes to sit at her nicely organized desk amongst all the filthiness of the lair.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Plain Jane, the very monotone secretary to the league. She’s so boring she puts crime to sleep.





(She begins to type and do paperwork. After going back to playing on the computer STATIC SOCK stops and talks to MOIST.)
STATIC SOCK:
Dude, are my hot pockets done yet?

PLAIN JANE:
(Standing up and looking around) Shouldn’t you guys be like out fighting crime... or at least doing real work?

ALL:
No.

AVERAGE JOE:
Yo PJ, don’t worry about it man... Hey, could you run to the store and get me some Doritos?

PLAIN JANE:
(Under her breath)It’s Jane...
(She gives up on trying, there is a phone call, she answers it.)

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
So guys, I had this really great idea-

PLAIN JANE:
Professor, (interrupting) you have a call, it’s very urgent!

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
Jennifer, can it wait, I have an important announcement to make...

PLAIN JANE:
It’s Jane...but sir, it’s the D.A. he really wants to-

PROFESSOR:
As I was saying before being rudely interrupted, I will be arranging a tournament for us!

(Plain Jane continues to talk with the DA, P.P. glares at her for a moment, and eventually hangs up the phone.)

PROFESSOR CONT’D:
Well, I’ll be posting a signup sheet in the lobby for a League of Legends tourney for next Thursday at seven p.m. sharp. Jessica,

PLAIN JANE:
It’s Jane-

PROFESSOR:
Maybe you could go ahead and make some kind of paper nice-looking-thingy... And the first prize winner could get something. Like a cash prize or-

(The D.A. walks in the door.)

D.A.:
Oh, I know, how about a delorian so you guys could go back in time and stop me from funding your league!

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
The D.A., the small, angry, District Attorney of the city. He was never officially elected to office...

PROFESSOR:
Why hello Nicolas, long time no see eh?

DA:
You may call me Mr. D.A. at this point Professor. I’ve been paying the rent on this black whole for the past two years! And what do you guys do all day... sit around and play World of Warcraft!
MOIST:
HEY! WOW is most definitely sooo five years ago, and you wouldn’t know the quality difference even if it was forcing you to collapse into a fleshy heap! Besides, my level 50 warlord was a BOSS!... (He’s panting)

D.A.:
(He pauses) Have you calmed down now, are you ready to be calm now?

MOIST:
I’m sorry Mr. D.A. sir, I’m over it.



DA:
As I was saying, I am sick and tired of the lazyne- (He sees CAPTAIN COMMUNIST) RUN FOR COVER! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!!!! (He runs to the desk of JANE to hide under it.)

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
Oh hey man! You want some Mountain Dew Bro?

DA:
(Beat.) No.... Thank you? (pause.) What in the name of Clark Kent is he doing here?

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
I come here all the time.

P.P.:
Yeah man.

AVERAGE JOE:
You see sir, we determined that the only real problems in the city were caused my us, and that meant that if we removed ourselves from the situation, that everything would be on the up and up. So yeah man...

D.A:
So... you sit around all day and... is that a mini-fridge? Are you honestly using the city’s money to pay for a MINI-FRIDGE? I mean, I don’t even have one of those...


CAPTAIN COMMUNISM:
And your point is?
DA:
(In an angry tone) You guys need to get your act together. Pull a heist, steal some valuable jewelry, break into Watergate, threaten to poison the water, I don’t care! I need something to keep these journalists off my back. (Pointing his finger at PROFESSOR PACIFIST) YOU gotta do your job so people don’t start questioning me about mine! (Beat.) Well, I have a press conference in 20 minutes. You have one week, or you can kiss this place goodbye.

(The D.A. leaves through the door, slamming it.)

P.P.
What are we gunna do guys?

(Everyone stares blankly at each other, not knowing what to do. The stage goes black, the lights go up and it is now a new day. The room has changed in that there is a big table in the center surrounded by chairs. PROFESSOR PACIFIST, MOIST, COMMANDER COUNCILOR, AVERAGE JOE, PLAIN JANE, CAPTAIN COMMUNIST, THE STATIC SOCK, OUT OF YOUR LEAUGE GIRL, and GENERAL GROTESQUE are all suited up sitting in the chairs.)


OMNISCIENT VOICE:
The Next morning...

P.P.
We now call this meeting to order... We shall now begin with old business Plain Jane, if you would...

PLAIN JANE:
Old business, dated one month ago. Motion by moist to go ahead and carry out the order to purchase a projector for the lair, motion in second by Commander Councilor. The vote was unanimous; permission granted. Motion by the Professor to order a bounce house for the lair, motion in second by Average Joe-

COMMANDER COUNCILOR:
If I may sir, I make a motion to skip the old business in it’s entirety.

P.P.:
All those in favor, please show by like sign of raising your right hand.

(All but Plain Jane raise their hands.)

P.P.:
Decision unanimously approved. New business it is. The floor is now open...
(All the characters besides P.P. and Plain Jane begin arguing and yelling over the D.A.’s Decision. P.P. begins to hit the table and yell to get them quiet.)

P.P.:
ORDER! ORDER! We are professionals people! (They quiet down awkwardly.) Okay... one at a time...

(Commander Councilor slowly raises his hand to speak.)

P.P.:
Now that’s more like it! Go ahead commander.
COMMANDER COMMUNISM:
Okay, so we need to do like a heist or something. You know, to increase public curiosity. I know, I know... it goes against everything we’re been doing for these past few months, but honestly I just wanna actually be here to see the look on the Professor’s face when we, the villains, beat him at League of Legends.
(They all break out in a brawl again, yelling, screaming, and arguing.)

P.P.:
OKAY GUYS!

(They quiet down.)

P.P.:
(In a whisper) Listen guys, I just don’t think this is going to work if you’re all fighting like this all the time, could we just agree to not be so aggressive?

(They all put their heads down in embarrassment and nod their heads “yes.”)

P.P.
Okay, you guys wanna politely throw some ideas out there, you know... and Commander, maybe you could analyze them?

COMMANDER COUNCILOR:
PLAIN JANE:
Sure, I could do that.

MOIST:
Bank robbery?

COMMANDER:
Too undermined.

STATIC SOCK:
Child kidnapping?

COMMANDER:
Too morally wrong.

GENERAL GROTESQUE:
Steal all ‘ze lint from ‘ze belly buttons!

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Really?

COMMANDER:
Disgusting.

AVERAGE JOE:
We could steal wonderflonium.

COMMANDER:
Dr.Horrible and Captain Hammer pulled that one a few weeks ago...

PROFESSOR:
How about the old fake meteorite about to hit earth trick?

COMMANDER:
Too cliche

MOIST:
Rob a Jewelry store.

COMMANDER:
Hmm... do-able, and not too complicated. I like it.



GENERAL GROTESQUE:
We could steal all the children’s art from the museum!

COMMANDER:
No.

PROFESSOR:
Okay, so tomorrow, villains will go to steal some ice at 7seven p.m. sharp, and we’ll be there to fake turn you guys in!

STATIC SOCK:
Dudes, like... what if we like traded places for like a day. Like you guys were the bad guys... ha ha ha

ALL:
No.

PROFESSOR:
All those in favor?

(Everyone raises their hand.)

PROFESSOR:
Any opposed? (he looks around) Decision is unanimous, meeting adjourned!


(The lights go down.)

OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Seven fifteen p.m. the next day...

(The lights go up. The villains all look exhausted, out of breath, and dirty. While the superheroes look nice, but irritated.)

PROFESSOR:
Okay, that was officially the stupidest thing we’ve ever done. Where the heck were you guys?

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
Okay, fist of all, someone needs to start SPECIFYING what their little (in quotes) “hip lingo” means.

PROFESSOR:
What for Aquaman’s sake are you talking about?




GENERAL GROTESQUE:
What is ‘zis (in quotes) “zice” zat zu speak of? Because we went to Safeway, juzt like zu said, and we stole all ze zice, and what... IT WAS FREE ZICE DAY.

STATIC SOCK:
Yeah, where were you guys?

MOIST:
I believe the Professor meant “ice” as in icing, like fancy jewelry... I can’t believe you guys actually went out and tried to steal frozen water....

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
It was so beautiful! Free for EVERYONE!!!

PROFESSOR:
Well, that was a bust any new ideas?

AVERAGE JOE:
I’ve got one...

(The lights go down. The lights then come up again. STATIC SOCK is bandaged from head to toe.)

STATIC:
That little old lady seemed so nice.... Why would you guys just leave me there? I was so alone! (He begins to cry very loudly.)

COMMANDER COUNCILOR:
You know Geoffery, it’s okay to be sad and feel alone sometimes. Maybe you could come in and see me sometime, we could talk about your abandonment issues.... I think you might do really well at knitting...

PROFESSOR:
Okay guys, we need a good plan. And thus we need something like really, really good… which is why I brought in a professional...

(Frank comes out.)

PROFESSOR CNT'D:
Guys, this is Frank. (Pause) Frank, these are the guys..... Jane will you um (he motions to have her move) lend Frank a chair. (She looks at him awkwardly.) Kay thanks.(Pause) So Frank, we need your assistance!


FRANK:
Sure man, but my mom wants me home for dinner so....

PROFESSOR:
This will be fast, I promise. We just need your help coming up with a famous heist. You know, to raise public curiosity.

FRANK:
Yeah, I don't think the (In quotes) "public" is really going to care what you do. Honestly they all think that you all suck. I even think that.... I mean, do any of you even have cool superpowers? No. The most that the coolest guy here can do is give short, interpretive, opinionated, inaccurate bios of everyone.

(This time, everyone is aware of the voice)


OMNISCIENT VOICE:
Hey man, you can't just come in here and hate on people, or omniscient voices for that matter...

AVERAGE JOE:
(Pause) I didn't even know that guy existed.

STATIC SOCK:
Yeah... (Yelling) WHERE DO YOU COME FROM.... FRIENDS?!

MOIST:
Dude, I think he's gone.

STATIC SOCK:
Conscience, is that you?

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
Boy, shut your trap.


FRANK:
Like I said, people won't care because you, the independent variable, suck standing on its own. Maybe if you had like cool superpowers of something. Maybe better names... a cool lair?


MOIST:
OKAY YOU'VE TAKEN THIS TOO FAR.

AVERAGE JOE:
Have you even seen our secret lair?

FRANK:
Regardless, you guys need to make a lasting impression on the people... Okay... so here's the plan...

(The lights fade out, the set is cleared. it is a new day. They are now outside, the mayor is with them. The superheroes have their goods in bags, and cleaving to their game systems. They seem to be standing on the side of the street; lost. A woman and her child pass by.)

STATIC SOCK:
HELP! Please! Help me! I’m lost!

GENERAL GROTESQUE:
Stop it! Or I will kill you where you stand.

MOIST:
Well, it couldn’t get any-

PROFESSOR:
(Cutting him off) Don’t Just don’t say that. As much as you REALLY want to… just don’t. (Sarcastically) Okay?

(Moist cowers a bit, and sulks. A homeless man comes by and tries to forces Super Sock’s Xbox away from him. He begins to cry. A little girl points and laughs at them.)

COMMANDER COUNCELOR:
What- (Pause) what is going to become of us?
PLAIN JANE:
You know, we wouldn’t be in this mess if you all would’ve just done your jobs…

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
You know what, this is MY fault. I’m- I’m sorry guys…I feel so horrible…

COMMANDER COMMUNIST:
You know what you should feel horrible! This is one- hundred-percent your fault!

MOIST:
That’s a bit harsh don’t you think?

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
What? Is ze’ little sidekick getting all upset?! What do you even do besides help Professor Placatory here (he pushes the Professor) waste time by cryn’ over spilled milk! We should’ve never made za’ truce with you!

COMMANDER COUNCILOR:
Well if it weren’t for evil, dimwitted people like yourselves, we would never be in any sort of predicament being worth frowning upon!

(They all look a bit confused at the Commander.)

STATIC SOCK:
What does that like… even mean?

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
(To S.S.) Son, I believe he just called us stupid. (He turns to Professor Pacifist) You best tell your boy there to watch his words… or the consequences will never be the same.

PROFESSOR:
(Getting into Captain Communist’s face) Now you will not talk to anyone in this league in that tone of voice.

COMMANDER COMMUNIST:
Well, I quit.

PLAIN JANE:
I withdrawal my employment.
AVERAGE JOE:
You quit? (Pause of realization.) Well if she quits, then I quit too.

STATIC SHOCK:
Me too!

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
LOOK AT ALL OF YOU! You’re nothing but a bunch of no good quitters and low-

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
YOU FOOLISH CURR!

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
I DON’T THINK SO! (He punches him across the face.)

(A brawl takes place, the men begin to fight, and Plain Jane is disgusted and sits on the street. Passerby’s stop, point and stare, and begin talking to each other. A little boy walking by just stares dropped jawed.)

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
(Shouting and pointing at the little boy) AND YOU STAY OUTTA THIS ROBIN!

(After a little while longer of fighting, a small crowd of people are surrounding the fight, the D.A. surprisingly is walking by and sees the action. At this point the superheroes have the villains at their whim and have them in the position to be taken to the police station. He is smiling, and clapping.)

D.A.:
Well done! Well done! The Infamous League saves the city once again!

(The crowds are also cheering. The D.A. walks over to the Professor and discreetly hands him the keys to the lair.)


D.A.
Here, take em. Way to show them Villains what you’re really made of.

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
Dear citizens! We thank you, we thank you for providing us with the strength to save our city!

(The crowd cheers, Commander Communist passes a smile at the Professor, and the lights go down. The heroes are back in the lair.)

AVERAGE JOE:
Did you see them… cheering. Like they actually loved us…

PLAIN JANE:
They did love you…

CAPTAIN COUNCILOR:
Very well done, very well.

MOIST:
Professor… are you alright?

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
I couldn’t be better my trusty sidekick.

(The villains make their way through the door laughing.)

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
I have to say- we gave them quite the laugh earlier… I’m thoroughly surprised by your superb acting skills.

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
As am I dear friend, as am I. You know, we really should go into acting... maybe we could start a children’s theater for the city or something…

COMMANDER COUNCILOR:
That is a superb idea! Think of how well it shall effect the children!

MOIST:
I’m just happy that we’re all together again.

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
Gentleman, I believe you’re all forgetting something…

PLAIN JANE:
Professor, everything worked out exactly according to plan. I think you might be tired from the fighting perhaps.

PROFESSOR:
Static?

STATIC SOCK:
Hey man, I think the professor… hahaha, that’s you… uhhh… we had something planned like tonight…

AVERAGE JOE:
Yeah! Our L.O.L. Tournament!

(they all cheer and the lights dim as the lights begin to dim.)

OMNICIENT VOICE:
And so… they lived happily in their lies and deceit…

(The lights go down, a spotlight comes up center stage with moist standing in it.)

OMNICIENT VOICE:
Moist went on to become the first sidekick turned superhero.

(The lights go down, the STATC SOCK replaces Moist)

OMNICENT VOICE:
The Static Sock went on to have some very serious counseling with Commander Councilor. He then realized his true passion; laundry… and went on to open up his own laundry mat.

(The lights go down, Static Shock is replaced by Average Joe and Plain Jane.)




OMNICENT VOICE:
After months and months of persuasion, counseling, arguing, L.O.L. tournaments, and a ring later; Average Joe finally convinced Plain Jane to marry him. That they were both so equal in averageness… they were perfect, and have a perfectally average Tim.

(The lights go down Average Joe and Plain Jane are replaced with Commander Councilor and General Grotesque.)

OMNICENT VOICE:
Honestly, the General really didn’t learn anything from this experience, and neither did the Commander, but they’ve grown quite close, and host a League of Legends tournament every Thursday after their Magic gathering at a local arcade.)


(The lights go down. Spotlights on both sides of the stage go up. Commander Communism stands in one and Professor Pacifist stands in the other.)

OMNICENT VOICE:
Remaining friends, the Commander went on to publish his first graphic novel, How I Went From a Communist Dictator to a Superhero, after becoming a volunteer at a group home in Brooklyn and supporting the Professor through the Super School for Professors. He got a Doctorate degree in Villainous Heisting, and his masters in Theatrical Arts. Although he doesn’t claim to be an official villain, he has earned the new title as Professor Perception.

(The lights go down, and the center stage spotlight goes up. The Commander and Professor are standing there.)

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
And as you all recall, our dear friend Frank… who helped us unite too form a unique heist that was both our salvation and defeat…

CAPTAIN COMMUNIST:
Well, he went on to intern at our lovely League, and eventually we put him through film school where commander counselor became his mentor and helped him find his one true love…

PROFESSOR PACIFIST:
A public announcer and omniscient voice…

(The lights go down again. And when they come up, Moist and Static Sock are once again sitting at adjacent sitting computers.)


MOIST:
So… GUESS WHO JUST BEAT PORTAL 2! WHAT! WHAT!

STATIC:
Guess who did that three days ago!(Pause)

MOIST:
It doesn’t matter, you still can’t defeat Browser…

STATIC SOCK:
Dude, honestly… You’ve got to let that one go man…

(The lights go down. End of play.)