“Hey Jacob, you coming to the twins party tonight?”
I heard while walking through the 9th grade science hall, but assumed they were talking to someone else.
“Hello, Jacob?” I heard once more. I turn around, there stands a boy from my grade, Gabe Snyder. He's one of the most popular kids from the other middle school; so I turn back around and head to my next class.
Then I feel a tap on my shoulder, it's Gabe. “Hello?” I say stupidly.
“Hey you coming to the party tonight?” He asks once more.
“Oh I don't know, I didn't get an invitation or anything, and I dont know whos par--” I begin to speak but he interrupts me.
“Don't worry about whose party it is, you’re coming with me and my group, you can even bring your girlfriend if you want, what's her name?” He explained.
“Yeah, okay, yeah. That sounds great, and her name is Rosie.” I said.
“Okay cool just snap be your address and I'll be over by 8 to pick you both up?” Gabe responded.
“Okay… bye” I say
Then I walk to my next class where I see Rosie waiting at my seat. I approach Rosie and explain to her what had just happened. She seemed angered by the whole situation, she said she didn't want to associate herself with them. Confused as to why, I tell her i'm going and she can come, or stay home and not be with me tonight. Realizing we had already made previous plans to walk and look at christmas lights in the neighborhood, I immediately regret what I said. She stands up, not making eye contact with me, and walks out of the room, heading to her own class.
That movement stays stuck in my head, the elegant, soft, and light movement of her standing out of my seat. I sit down in that seat, the movement replaying in my head still. I think about how she had not even made eye contact with me. I go through the rest of my day, thinking and planning on how I am going to fix this, but all I can think is how Gabe wants to hang out with me and I have to do that. If I hang out with Gabe then I’ll be popular.
The day comes to an end and I see Rosie sitting at the back of the bus, so I go to sit next to her. As I sit down she turns to look out the window. Not in an aggressive way, but in a soft and slow way. This makes me feel worse. Then I find myself saying “Rosie, please go. I know it's not your crowd but it would mean a lot to me, and maybe you'll have fun or even make new friends.” I wait for a response. Nothing is said, so I just sit. We reach our bus stop, and I find her following me to my house, I turn to her. 
“My mom says we need to be home by 12:00.” She says quietly.
I smile and we continue to my  house. Then after hours of just talking, Eight O’clock arrives and Gabe pulls up the driveway. As Gabe pulls into the driveway I am able to feel Rosies heart beating in her hand. The vibrations rush up my arm like i've been electrocuted. I turn to her and whisper “It's going to be fun.” and she nods. It feels like i'm in one of those teen movies where the young couples make a big deal over nothing, but thats my life. We walk towards the car and Gabe yells to hop in. So we climb over the doors and into the car. The wind slaps us in the face while a boy named Tyler drives recklessly; then we arrive. While we all attempt to get out of the car, we are bombarded by a massive group of people waiting outside the house. I look at Rosie and at that very second, while looking into Rosies bright ocean blue eyes, we hear a voice break the silence of the group.
This voice is Gabe yelling, “LET'S GET THIS STARTED!!”.
The rest of the people waiting outside of this mansion of a home yell, and the identical twins Lisa and Phoebe open the doors. Everyone rushes in and Gabe grabs my arm, motening us to follow him. As we follow gabe through a maze of hallways and doors, we enter a room with 11 other people waiting, sitting in a circle. I look at Rosie and can see the fear in her eyes. Grabbing her hand, we sit in silence. I sit with Gabe on my left, Rosie on my right, and the twins across from me. Then once again breaking the silence, Gabe mumbles something I am unable to understand.
Lisa then pulls out her phone and asks “Whos ready for some truth or dare?”.
So the night goes on and we play truth or dare, after about an hour, my turn arrives.
Phoebe turns to me and asks “Truth or dare..?”
I say dare, wanting nothing more but to fit in, and what's the worst that could happen. She dares me to drink a sip of the alcohol from her dad's closet.
Now I am sitting in a locked closet with my girlfriend Rosie, surrounded by own throw up. I have no idea what time it is, and Rosie can not stop crying. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, someone comes to the door, Rosie stops crying, and we look up at this man. This man is a policeman, he says nothing but motions us towards the way out. He drives us home, its four in the morning. I look at Rosies scared eyes looking into mine once more, and we’re home.
I open the door of the police car and shakingly put one foot in front of the other to get out. I look at Rosie in hopes she’ll look back at me in a reassuring way; but she just looks down. Her face pale and washed out, her hands shaking uncontrollably and her body limp, as though she is using all her strength to stay standing. We stand outside of my house while the police get my parents. As I stand there, waiting for what will soon come my way, I look up at the moon. The moon is full, its bright, lighting up what otherwise would be darkness around us.
My parents walk outside, unlike Rosie they are tense and angry, they stand so confidently, I am sure they will yell at me any second. Then it happens, my mom walks towards me, looks me in the eyes, and before she is able to say anything, she falls onto my shoulder in tears. “They said you were found locked in a closet” she barely says through the tears. Then I look at my dad, who stays standing in tense way. I am overwhelmed, all I can think of is Rosie. What is she thinking, what will her parents say.  The police explained before that her parents know she is okay, but then where are they. Why are they not here? So many thoughts flood my head, while we just stand there, stand in my front yard. The front yard that I would have water balloon fights in, the front yard that we picnic in, the front yard that is now obtained by police and my mom stands crying in.
After what feels like an eternity, my father walks inside, still not having said a word. We all follow him and I attempt to take Rosies hand but she resists. Once we are inside, both my parents walk upstairs saying nothing to us. Rosie and I look at each other and sit on the sofa; it is now 4am. Rosie now begins to talk, it is a relief to hear her voice again. For the next hour she explains to me what had happened at the party, she explains how I had gotten drunk and how Gabe and his friends took advantage of my state and made me do all of these insane things. I refuse to believe her but deep down I know it's true, and I know Monday at school will be a terrier. She goes onto explaining that they locked us in a closet, but she is unclear on exactly how we got there, she says everything turned into a haze after I took that first sip of alcohol.
I ask why she didn't leave, and she just lays her head on my shoulder, and we fall asleep.
Although that may have been the worst night of my entire life, I somehow allowed this to become my new normal. Months pass where every Friday is filled with me getting drunk with Gabe and every saturday is drained by the absence of everything else. It makes me think that my parents, who I thought cared for me more than anything, actually don’t. It makes me feel like my girlfriend who I once felt was my everything, is now nothing. It's as though my entire life and everything that surrounds it, is just one big maze with no exit. A maze that has doors and windows but still no way out. A maze with light at the end, but no way of getting there.
As I wake up on another saturday morning that seemed no different from the rest. I am able to smell the alcohol mixed in my morning breath. I can't help but think, this isn't me, this isn't who I am. I'm not the type of person who gets drunk and comes home at 3am. I am not the guy to blow off the girl he loves. I think back to the past few months, the months that before I had thought nothing of, the months that I now regret, the months that I can't escape. I think about how I treated the people I loved the most, and how they did not deserve it. I pick up my phone, press the home button and let my eyes suffer from the burning pain of the bright light blinding my blue eyes, I deserve it.
I type the four digit code and look at my recent notifications. As I scroll through and see the many missed calls, messages and snapchats from Rosie I let a tear fall down my face. I am not ashamed of being sensitive, I am not ashamed of the tears that trail through my maze of freckles. I am ashamed of the person who lies behind these tears, the person who has been taking over my body. I press on one of the missed calls and a voice message opens, I hear her voice. I think about the last time I heard her voice, I think about her sad words slipping past my self interested ears, making it impossible for me to comprehend her feelings. I replay the 30 second voice message over and over again, until I have it memorized. “Hey its Rosie, just wanted to say hi and that I miss you… I'm starting to get worried about you… please call me, or text me, or anything. Okay.” Rosies innocent tone rings in my head. Those words are trapped in my head, like a record stuck on repeat they wont stop playing. I am able to feel my heart hurting, this is a feeling I am unfamiliar with, this feeling makes me want nothing more but to scream as loud as I can. Tears rush down my face, I can't control my own body anymore. I don't know what to do.
I finally get myself together enough to get up; so I stand up, put my coat on and walk outside. I approach Rosie's house with no idea what will happen next. As it is 6am, i'm not expecting her to be awake, but at the same time, I'm not sure of what I am expecting. I walk up to the house door and ring the doorbell, her dad opens the door almost immediately. He says nothing and lets me inside. I walk up to her room and barge through the door. Rosie jumps up, looks at me, confused.
I walk towards her bed and say “I'm sorry”, as these words escape from my mouth, all of the same feelings begin to come back. I break down in tears unable to control myself. She stands from her bed, and walks out of her room.
At this very moment I don't know how to think, act, or feel. As I sit here, on my girlfriends bedroom floor it feels as though nothing is worth it anymore. I want to know what Rosie is thinking. This is when I see something on her bedside table, something I had never seen her use before; it looked like a diary. I open to a random page and begin to read.
Wednesday December 17, 2002
I wish Jacob would stop hanging out with those guys, especially Gabe. They are obviously using him for entertainment and its degrading to Jacob. I feel bad for him, I love him, and i'm stuck here wondering if I should tell him they are using him. I think he already knows though, he has to, how could he not. It's been months of this. Months of Jacob picking his so called “friends” over me. I love Jacob but I do not like what he is becoming, he takes all AP classes as a freshman in highschool, what if that all goes away? What if Jacob starts giving up on school because he cares more about Gabe. It will end eventually right, it can't last forever, or even all year. Not without Jacob realizing it on his own, and that way he wont think im trying to tell him what to do with his life. I just have to wait it out. Jacob is also coming over on Friday and we are going to make gingerbread houses and watch christmas movies. I'm excited. Okay.
Thursday December 18, 2002
So Jacob is bailing on me, he says he has family stuff on Friday but I overheard Gabe talking to him in the hall and they were talking about hanging out at the twins place. I'm starting to feel like I don't even matter to him. I don't know what to do. Should I wait…? Okay.
Friday December 19, 2002
It's currently 1am and I am sitting alone listening to the sound of my tears fall and soak into my face. I can barely breathe and I am having trouble typing this journal entry. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my body and smashed into a million pieces. I want to die. I can not handle this. I received a snapchat 12 minutes ago from Jacob, he's drunk, again. I have nothing else to say, I don't know where I was going with this. Okay.
Sunday December 20, 2002
I haven't heard from Jacob since the incident on Friday. I tried calling him and texting him but he doesn't respond. Im getting worried, not only about us and our relationship but for him and his education. Im afraid hes gonna ruin the great things he has going for him. Maybe I should be thinking about myself more, but I can't help it. I don't know what to, its all I can think about. Okay.
Tuesday December 22, 2002
I went shopping today with my best friend Carrie, I talked things over with her and I think I've found a solution but it's going to take a long time, hopefully I have enough time for this. Okay.
Friday December 24, 2002
Tomorrow is Christmas!!! I'm so excited! Also today i'm actually going to get to hang out with Jacob and on christmas! I can't see how anything could go wrong! We have this tradition for when we give each other gifts and I can't wait to see what he did with it this year! I know i'm excited to give him mine :) Okay.
Saturday December 25, 2002
I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't. Okay.
Saturday January 1, 2003
New year, new me. It's time to fix things.
Sunday January 2, 2003
I’m beginning to think the best thing to do, is nothing at all. If I ju
The journal stops there, today is Sunday January 2, 2003. She was writing in this journal right as I walked through these doors. She has been pouring her feelings into this journal because I haven't been there to listen. What a s***ty feeling.
I stand up, wipe the tears from my face and walk out of her room. Just as I am about to leave, Rosie walks towards me. My heart begins to beat faster, faster, and faster, but I keep myself under control. I stand still while she steps closer to me. The closer she gets, the slower time feels its getting. Finally as she takes that last step towards me, she looks me in the eyes, smiles, and laughs. Hearing this laugh makes me wonder, is she laughing at me, or with me. She then gives me a hug and takes my arm, walking me back to her room.  We then just talk, we talk as though nothing had happened and as if everything went back to normal. This makes me feel better than ever. The day passes and we spend it catching up and enjoying ourselves.
As soon as I got home that same night, I decided I had to fix things with Gabe. So before doing anything else, I called him; he didn't pick up. I decided I would leave a voice message. I told him how being his friend had changed me and that I couldn't continue with the ruitin I had gotten myself stuck in.
The next day,  while I walk through the halls on this Monday morning, I can't help but feel lost. I've walked through this same hallway everyday since August; it's now January. After fixing things with Rosie I thought everything would go back to normal. Everything still feels weird, It feels like i'm not doing anything, but instead my body is doing it for me. While I walk through these halls I anticipate the moment of seeing Gabe as I always do, but now worried of what he will say to me now. I approach the end of this never ending hall, feeling relief that our paths haven't crossed. Then as I turn into my class, I see Rosie sitting in my seat waiting for me; as she always is. Though, something's different this time, she's talking to someone. At first sight I can't tell who it is, but then as I walk further into the room, I see, it's Gabe. I can't help but ask myself why Gabe is talking to Rosie, I thought Rosie hated him. Then, I get this unsettling feeling in my stomach. I walk over to them and they both look at me with huge smiles on their faces. They both say hi, but nothing more; then walk out of the room. I sit in my seat and it feels like i've been brainwashed, I can't describe how I feel. I let this go and continue with my day.
At the end of the day when I walk onto the bus, I go to sit next to Rosie. After talking for a while, I try to ask her why she was talking to Gabe at my seat. Rosie tells me that Gabe approached her to do nothing more but apologize for everything that happened. It's a relief to have heard this. Now that I know everything is okay with my girlfriend and that there are no hard feelings with Gabe, and my grades are back on track, I finally feel at peace. For the first time in a while, I feel as though I am a normal teenager.
Once I get home I immediately go up to my room to get started on my homework. As I sit there, at my desk, working as hard as I possibly can, I start to find myself feeling the same way I did when while I was walking through the halls this morning. I don't understand why I feel this way, I fixed everything I needed to, I should be fine now. That's when it hit me, not everything is fixed yet. My parents still don't care about me. I find myself starting to cry again, tears slowly dropping one by one onto my Honors Calculus homework.
Eventually I wipe all the tears away, and start to accumulate  a plan for how I am going to approach my parents. This may be the hardest thing to do yet, because I know that they don't care about me, so I'm not sure if they will even listen. They used to care about me, but then I messed up, and turned from a son they loved, into a disappointment they have to live with. After thinking about the perfect things to say to the them, and all of the perfect responses, I decide this isn't something I can just plan. Instead I have to go to them and just let what happens happen.
So I walk down stairs and into the kitchen, where my mom sits working at the computer. I ask her where dad is, she doesn't respond. So I go sit next to her, and just look at at her.
“Mom…” I say hesitantly
I still get no response. This is when I start to feel myself falling back into those same feelings I had felt while sitting on Rosies floor. Those feelings of knowing exactly where you are, but still feeling lost. This is when I burst into tears, worse than I ever have before. My mom looks at me, shocked. She calls for my dad and they both dont know how to react. My dad then, for the first time I have ever seen before, started to cry. Seeing these tears fall down his face, showed me that he does care.
“Im sorry dad” I now said confidently
“Its okay son, i'm just glad that you're okay.” He says through his tears
I then look at my moms face, as she smiles through her tears.
“Mo--” I start to say but she stops me.
“Its okay. Its okay” She says
Now that feeling has started to go away. I mean, i'm not sure if it will ever really go away completely, but for now, its gone and i'm finally starting to approach the end of the maze.