I have a passion for singing, and I sing anytime I get the chance to. Although my mother doesn’t appreciate it, in fact she has told me many times to shut up and to practice a more realistic career. I feel like I am living in a torture chamber, the yard stick stings my skin, pointe shoes have left the bloodiest scars on my feet and everyday in the dance room. A place that I may not live; but be a carbon copy of a young woman who had her dreams crushed by her own child.

I have this indentation in my hair from constantly having a ballet bun in my hair. It sits there mocking me, and at school I sit in the girls locker room in front of the mirror staring at it. I wish it would just go away, but that’s not how it works because I never get any breaks. In fact, my mother wants to homeschool me because I haven’t been getting any better. Yet, I am the only one who knows why. I have no friends, which I know doesn’t matter, but I am tired of being in a mirror room with the barre, and an instructor. I don’t talk to anyone at the studio because my mother says I need to focus on becoming a perfect dancer. The night she told me I needed to be perfect I wrote in my diary, saying how much I hated ballet. Although I honestly knew my mother would never read it. I was hurting everywhere that night; the bruises align my legs and arms. Some bruises from falling the rest from that horrifying yardstick.

The next day was a Wednesday. It was about two o’clock… I was at my locker at York High School with my big bag of homework. 9th grade was so much hard work, and with the homework, the dancing and lack of sleep I was becoming so weak. I felt nauseous and almost like I had been dancing for hours and hours although I haven’t danced in two hours. The room went black and I couldn’t remember anything. The next thing I knew I was in an ambulance, by my side was a boy who I have never seen before. He was holding my bag and he just kind of sat there. “Um, what’s going on” I frantically said. “Close your eyes, go to sleep. You are sleep deprived.” The EMT spoke. I sighed and did as I was told like I always did.

The next thing I knew I was awoken by the beeping noise of a heart monitor. I thought I was just sleep deprived couldn’t I just sleep at home? I heard whispering. I tuned the beeping noise out and focused on what the voices where saying. “She has a failing heart, which could have been caused by extreme over work, and stress.” I hear a familiar cry. “Oh my god.” My mother trembles. I felt a tear leave my eye and roll down my cheek. I was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. “You have worked your daughter too long, and too hard Ms. Dubois. I think it would be best for you to leave your daughter to social workers now.” Through the window I saw two male nurses pulling my crying mother away. Yeah my mother wanted me to be the best dancer in the world, yes my mother worked me hard…but she does love me. “Noo! She needs me! Please let me stay.” She tried to loosen the grip of the nurses’ hands but they just pulled her away. I cried myself to sleep and I didn’t want to wake up.

The next morning something woke me up. It wasn’t the beeping noise, but something that sounded beautiful. Rain falling, a chirping bird and something that sounded like a harp. I stood up, and walked as close to the window as I could, until the wires stopped me. Outside was a small garden, no one was out there that I could see, but a baby bird chirped siting on my windowsill while the rain sprinkled. He looked so sad, sitting there alone. I felt like the bird was just like me. His mother gone out of sight, he was trembling and wet. I looked around the room I couldn’t see the window to the inside from here. I was guessing that meant they couldn’t see me. So I walked to the bed and pulled all the machines closer so I could reach the window. When my hands were on the lock I turned it until I heard a click. Then I pulled the window with all my might until it cracked open and I could reach the bird. When I held out my hand the bird hopped back. I needed something to attract him to me. So I walked back to the bed and pulled the food tray towards me and grabbed a cracker. I broke it so crumbs were sitting in my hand. Then I walked back to the window.

The bird hopped towards my hand and started to eat from it. Soon the bird finished the food and sat on my hand. I was able to bring him in and dry his wet feathers. Then I took a little towel and placed in on the windowsill and let the bird back outside so he could rest. This time the rain had stopped and there was someone outside. It was that boy from the ambulance. He looked at me when I was about to close the window but he ran all the way towards me to stop me. I wondered who he was, and what made him so interested in me. He sat on the windowsill next to the sleeping bird and smiled. “You're so gentle, did you name it?”  I nodded “Jack.” And he laughed. “That’s my name….I am Jack Rooney” He said and my eyes widened. “Oh my gosh how awkward.” I responded, “No, its okay, I know you didn’t know me.” Then there was a long pause before I said, “Why were you in the ambulance with me?” and he looked at his feet. “Well, when you fainted I was walking by you and you kind of fell towards me. I didn’t know if you just tripped or. But I caught you before you hit your head.” He said quietly. “Oh, but um why were you in the ambulance?” I said again. “I called 911 and waited with you until they came. It just seemed appropriate to come with you and um…you know bring your bag.”

I heard the harp again. “What is that?” I said and Jack turned to me “Your neighboring patient plays the harp.” Then I smiled “Oh good I thought I was going crazy.” And Jack laughed. “I should go. Before we get caught.” And he left. I closed the window and locked it, the bird still there. Then I laid back into my bed, and lucky me I got there just in time before the nurse walked in. “Bel?” she said “ I responded  “Yes? May I help you?” and she laughed “Oh good you are awake I can introduce myself finally.” I kind of forced a smile “I am Nurse Gina, and I am your personal nurse nice to meet you sweetie.” She shook my hand “Oh your hands are cold” she took them and rubbed them “There!” I laughed “thank you.” She then started rambling and checked my vitals but I tuned her out and listened to the outside nature. She must have noticed, because she stopped talking and looked outside. “What’s so fascinating out there Honey?” I smiled. “The garden. This may sound silly to ask but, why is there a garden?” The nurse smiled then responded “It is a therapy garden, it is for any patient but the children’s wing is located right next to it… because then being in a hospital is more of a home then a scary place.” I looked at her with amazement “I love it.”

Nurse Gina unhooked the wires from the stationary monitors and hooked me up to portable ones. “There now you can move a little more freely.”

I got up and started to walk out with her. She held my arm to keep me from falling, because I was still a little weak. We walked by a couple of rooms and one in particular caught my eye. I stopped. “Jack Rooney? Why does he have a room?” The Nurse stopped in shock. “Honey how do you know him?” I looked at her “I was just talking to him. She looked utterly scared and confused. “Um. He has been a coma for 3 weeks now.” Then she called for a nurse who ran into there and I slightly followed. He was there, sleeping…or um in a coma. “How is this possible!?” I screamed. I just started freaking out and then sat on the floor crying. “Get her back to her room please.” Nurse Gina said to a male nurse who also carried my mom away the day before. “NO…Not you.” I said and he stopped from picking me up. “Um doctor?” A doctor came over and checked my eyes with a flashlight. “Concussion. Probably from hitting her head as she fainted.” The doctor put me on gurney and rushed me to the emergency ward. Concussion? But I had thought Jack caught me? My heart rate increased, causing me to sweat and the room started spinning. All I remember hearing was “We are inducing a coma.” And that was it, I was under.
 

Four days. That was it. I had four days gone like that. The bird was gone hopefully still alive. I had not seen Jack for another 2 days until I snuck into Jack’s room to um… talk to him. I went into his room and he wasn’t awake physically… but some how I knew he could hear me. “Jack? Hey um this is Bel. Oh I sound like I am leaving a message.” I laughed. “Um if you can hear me let me know somehow.” I just sat there waiting…nothing. “Jack. I think I have fallen in love with you…by talking to you while I was um Crazy…” and that was when it happened. “Bel?” He opened he eyes and looked at me. “OH MY GOD NURSE!!!! OMG OH MY GOD AHHH JACK!” I ran and hugged him before I turned around and hit the call button. The nurses ran in and checked him out before asking me what happened. “I walked in here and said something to him and he said my name and woke up…it was weird.” The nurses confirmed that Jack was stable but they wanted to tell me something. “Bel. Um Jack has a tumor in his brain that was not going away with radiation. He had surgery three months ago but the tumor has began to regrow again.” Nurse Gina said. “It can’t be fixed. Unless a miracle happens” I sat down and started to cry. “ I am dying too.” I said. Nurse Gina hugged me “No, baby you just got approved for a new heart. We are going to fix you up, as soon as we get one. Okay?”

Jack had this brown hair that fell to thhe right of his face, it always looked perfect. His eyes were this kind of brown that had deep dementions, I could stare at them for hours. he was taller tan me and his hugs, everyone better than the last.

 Jack and I spent the next 3 weeks together. Week one we were basically best friends and we did everything in sync. Watched movies, ate breakfast/lunch/dinner, texted each other even though we were in the same room, walked in the garden and I felt like I was finally a real kid even though I was in a hospital. The Monday the 2nd week we were stargazing in the garden and he turned to me and told me he loved me. He kissed my cheek and we just sat there holding hands staring at the stars. By week three we were known as the Hospital’s most likely to get married. Even though we both laid on our deathbeds. Sunday of week three Jack started having seizures I remember crying out to the nurse. “NURSE COME QUICK.” And I was pushed out of the way. 5 hours passed before they finally got him stable. I sat in the chair next to his bed curled up under a blanket. When he woke he said to me “Bel, come lay with me here.” I pulled the blanket off and dragged the monitor over with me. When I laid down he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

“Bel, do you have a bucket list?” I nodded… “Do you?” he smiled “Yes…but I only have one more thing on it.” I looked at him. “oh yeah?” He laughed before he kissed my lips and pulled away slowly. “Check” he said. “Oh was it to kiss a girl?” he shook his head “no, it was to kiss MY girl.” His eyes sparkled that same sweet twinkle the stars gave off the night he said he loved me. Jack and I laid in bed talking for hours about nothing but the future, as if it was right around the corner. He leaned in for another kiss and I let it happen. His sweet lips were like nothing I have ever tasted. I couldn’t let go of him. We had kissed at least 20 times, never forgetting the last one.

I fell asleep in his arms, only to be woken up by a pain in my chest. Doctors moved me to my room while I was sleeping, I guess. I was screaming, sweat pouring down my forehead. I pushed the call button and that was when it all blacked out…again. When I woke up it was Tuesday. Nurse Gina walked in. “Oh baby” she looked like she had been crying. “You in any pain?” she said. “No.” I responded. “What happened?” Nurse Gina wiped a few tears and then told me I had gotten a new heart Monday evening. It has been working great. I smiled. “Thank you. I would have loved to meet the person who gave me their heart.” Then Nurse Gina was in a puddle of tears. She handed me an envelope and ran out of the room. I opened the envelope and I immediately started crying. I only read the first line and already knew this must have been a goodbye. The only goodbye I hate.

“Dear Bel,
My lovely girl, no matter what I will ALWAYS be in your heart, I will always show my love to you. You are the most caring, sweet, gentle girl and I am glad God has sent me to take care of you. I don’t ever want you to feel like you are alone. I am always with you. Love you Bel.
Love,
Jack “

I sat there staring at the ceiling for hours. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Wednesday my mother walked into the room… and hugged me. “I love you I am so sorry I have cause so much pain.” I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t do anything. I just sat there. Until I said “Jack is always in my heart.” And my mother, stared at me with her pain filled face as social workers forced papers for her to sign and she said goodbye one more time. That was the last time I have seen her. Rumors say she’s been locked up for child abuse and her company has been shut down because the other children had the same teaching technique as I did, the slap of a yardstick. The slap still rings in my ears, I bet my mother has grown old in her cell, she probably cried herself to sleep for days, maybe weeks. I wouldn’t know…I haven’t left my hospital bed since the day Jack died. I have lost all ability to live. Writing my story is the most productive thing I have done in a year. The doctors say it is depression and until I fall out of it. But, the pain is too strong to even say when I will begin to re-learn what happiness is.