“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I groaned.
My parents sat across from me at the table with a very calculated distance between each other. They didn’t glance each other’s way, and the tension gathered in the air like storm clouds.
“It’s the logical thing to do, Amelia. Don’t you want to stay at your school for your senior year?” My mother questioned, though she obviously didn’t care about my answer.
They had already decided my fate, and I would have no say in the matter. That much I could tell. It was probably my mother’s idea, and my dad was probably too broken to fight back.
“When it means staying with you until college, then no, I’d rather not.” I snapped.
Nothing even flickered across my mother’s face. She simply responded, “Well, unfortunately, we don’t all get what we want.”
“Yeah, just you.” I muttered.
“What would Bella do without you?” My dad tried.
“She’d understand. She’d encourage me to go with you if she knew the situation. Believe me, anyone would.”
My mother turned on her boss voice. “Fact of the matter is that you’re staying with me until you graduate. You can’t change it. You’ll spend the holidays and breaks with your father, and you will come back willingly. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, dear. This is what’s best for you.”
“You have no idea what’s best for me! You don’t even know what’s best for yourself!” I yelled at her. Seething, I hurried out of my chair and up to my room to hide under the loving protection of my blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals. They would take care of me. Who needed parents anyways?
There was my mother yelling my name, knocking on the locked door, threatening with punishments. I didn’t care. She could do whatever she wanted to me. My life was ruined anyways.

At least I had this summer.

This summer I was going to live with my dad in Hawaii for two months. Owning a hotel right on the beach, can have its perks, and I was going to take full advantage of them. It soon became very clear to me, though, that I’d spend much of the time worrying and checking on my dad.
While my mom had come out of the divorce with a new, fiery constitution, my dad still sat on an old, crushed foundation. It was disheartening to watch him try and be himself. He would pull down his #1 DAD mug like always, but he would just stare at it until some sound would snap him from his trance. And his eyes. They weren’t the same. They’d hardly ever look up, and they were never bright anymore.
He tried so hard for me. He’d try and make breakfast and ask me questions, but everything was too strained, the wounds too fresh, the hurt unhealed.
It scared me to think what would happen to him when I left. I had these two months to try and help him find some footing, but who would take care of him when I was gone? Would he be alright on his own? I didn’t want to leave him.
More than that, I didn’t want to live with my mom and her new husband and kid. They were getting married this summer, and I had refused to be there. Refused to even meet them. Refused to even know their names. All I knew is this guy was rich, even more than my dad. He was buying her a mansion, and they were going to make me live with them. And the kid. His daughter. She was my age. We would go to school together. It really couldn’t get any worse.

“You know, it could be a lot worse.” Bella, my best friend, tried to comfort me. I was sitting in a chair next to the pool. It was dark, and everyone had mostly retired by now. The pool lights illuminated the water, making it look like some something magical from a fairytale.
I faked a laugh and shifted my cell phone to my other ear. “Yeah, I could be in Alaska.”
“Oh come on Amy, you’re in Hawaii! Most kids our age would die to be there. I mean two months in glorious sunshine! You can’t be sad when you’re in Hawaii, I forbid it! Once you come home, you can be as sad as you want, but for now, have fun. Sunbathe, surf, swim, have a fling or two. Meet some cute guy and make him fall terribly in love with you! Then drop him, it’s not like you’ll see each other ever again. Just breathe a little. Live it up.” She encouraged.
I thought about it. Maybe that’s what I needed. A break from thinking. Just jump in.
“You know what, I think you’re right!” I exclaimed in a funny voice.
“What?” She laughed. “Well, that’s a first!”
With a hotel pen and notepad, we wrote a list of things I had to do this summer.

1.
Build a sandcastle
2.
Midnight stroll on the beach
3.
Get a perfect tan
4.
Send a message in a bottle
5.
Surf
6.
Hike Mt. Diamondhead
7.
Have a fling, preferably with a local
8.
Shopping spree with no limit
9.
Buy Bella a souvenir
10.
Eat as much shaved ice as stomach can possibly consume

Laughing at the randomness of the list, I couldn’t help but feel slightly hopeful. Like this summer might not be so bad. Like I might actually have a little fun.

Week One. Tanning. Books. Surfing.

Week Two. Books. Hike to Mt. Diamondhead.

Week Three. Shopping. Souvenir.

Week Four. Food. Food. And more food.

Week Five. More surfing. More tanning. More shopping. More food.

Week Six. Books.

Week Seven. Him.

I never meant for it to happen. I never meant to meet him. I never meant to fall in love. But he gave me no choice.

We met in an elevator. It was awkward.

With a room on the top floor, I met a variety of people on the way down, but most people weren’t like him. They didn’t run in with nothing on but basketball shorts and dolphin slippers. Yes, dolphin slippers. They didn’t then proceed to yell, “It’s you!” Even though, you’d never met. They didn’t ask you strange, personal questions. But that was him. And I loved it.
“Have we met?” I asked, startled by him recognizing me. I think I would remember a body like his. He was tall, and lean, and beautiful. With brown hair flecked with natural reds.
“I’ve watched you.”
“You have?”
“Surfing mostly. You’re really good. And I’ve seen you by the pool at night. You’re always by yourself. Are you here alone?”
“Sort of.”
“Don’t you like people?”
“No, not usually.”
“I think people scare you.”
“What?”
“Well, do they?”
“What? No!”
“I knew it. Let me help you.”
“With what?”
“The loneliness.”
Blink. Blink.
“Yeah?”
“I’m David.”
“Amy.”

Never had a boy noticed me like that. Never had a boy looked into me so deeply without my permission. Never had a boy left me speechless and hypnotized. Never had a boy made me feel this way. Not like him.

That was the beginning of our love.

The next stage was sandcastles.
David had a crazy knack for building sandcastles, while I had a knack for knocking them down. He was adorable. With his little shovel and bucket, he’d make neat little blocks and with such delicate placing, he’d build a castle. He even attempted to build a moat.
I laughed. “You’re so focused. It’s a sandcastle.”
“I’m building it for the princess! It has to be perfect! And see, I’m going to build the moat to protect her.”
“The princess?”
“For you.”
With a smile I pushed him over into his beloved castle and ran away. Oh, he caught me. And happily threw me in the ocean before returning to fix his sandcastle. I’d never let him finish.
It was the closest I’d felt to happiness in a long time.
That first week with David was happiness and innocence. He hadn’t kissed me. He would hold my hand when the opportunity arose, and he’d always stare at me. I wished nothing more than for him to kiss me.

Week Eight.

There was always more to him. He was funny and adorable and charming, but he had a serious side too. He showed me.
We were on the beach. It was nighttime and I finally found the courage to hold his hand. And not, the convenient lead you somewhere or keep your balance or help you up sort of holding hands. I held his hand like I wanted to, like I wanted it to belong to me. And no other girl.
He smiled like it always was mine, and he was just waiting for me to take it. Not many people were on the beach at this hour, and he slowly made our way back to the hotel. He stopped us short, though, and pulled me down to watch the stars. In the cold sand, I snuggled close to him for warmth. We didn’t even need words. We were perfectly in sync.
That was when he kissed me. He tasted of summertime and happiness, and I only wanted more.
Unfortunately, the perfect dream couldn’t last.
He pulled away.
“Don’t stop.” I breathed.
His lips quickly found mine again, and everything disappeared. There was only him. There had always, only been him.
“Amy.” He sighed. His forehead on mine. “We have to talk about this.”
I kept my eyes shut and shook my head. This time, I kissed him. I tried to wipe the worries away, but they were too strong, too real.
“We’re going to be miles away. You’ll be in Washington, and I’ll be in Utah. What are we going to do? Pretend this never happened? Because I can’t do that. I belong to you.” He confessed.
There was no easy solution. We were too young to make any real decisions for ourselves, but I knew I’d do anything for him. I was in too deep.
“We can make it work. We have to.” I buried my head in his chest.
“You want that?”
“Yes.”

After those last two weeks with David, coming back to Washington was the hardest thing I’d ever done. All of me was falling apart. I craved David, missed my dad, and hated my mom. It couldn’t have been worse.

They had a room already set up for me in that sick mansion, like they thought I’d actually be living there. They obviously didn’t know me. Not even my mother. My mother attempted to make me come to dinner or participate in family things. I, of course, refused. It was a relief to go to school and be out of the house. I stayed out for as long as possible. I picked up a job, and I walked everywhere to be slow. I was very skilled at staying away.

Bella tried to support me. She really did. I can’t blame her for finally giving up. I pushed her to it.

I don’t know if it was the rebelliousness or missing David so hard, but I really messed up.

It started with Bryce.
He was a jock, and a total jerk. And he had broken Bella’s heart multiple times, and now he had his sights on me. And I didn’t turn him away.
My beloved sister had thrown a party, and I unfortunately had to be there. My mom and her dad were going on a honeymoon, and I was to babysit to keep precious little Jessica out of trouble.
Like I cared.
Jessica was quick to confront me on it.
“I’m having a party while they’re gone.”
“So what?”
“Will you tell?”
“I’m not a five-year-old.”
“Okay, thanks.”
And with that, she flipped her blond little cheer ponytail and walked away.

That’s where Bryce decided he liked me. Bella wasn’t there because of a band retreat, and maybe if she was there, I’d have acted differently. All I knew is that I was sick of it. I was sick of that house. I was sick of my broken, piecemeal family. And I was sick of the loneliness. David and I tried to stay in touch. We texted, we Skyped, we did what we could, but it was never enough. I always wanted more of him. All of him, really.

So when Bryce beckoned me over to sit with him, I gave in. I went. I let him slide his arm around me and whisper in my ear. Before I knew it, he was kissing my ear. And then we were just kissing. It was charged and angry kissing, not like David. Nothing like David.
That’s when we became a couple. Me and Bryce. I never left his side. Although, I always stayed sober, I couldn’t say the same for Bryce and his friends. We were always partying, and I was always there too. I laughed with them, and danced with them, and kissed quite a few of them. But Bryce had me claimed as his.
Jessica couldn’t be more jealous, and it gave me some sick satisfaction to upset her.
I wasn’t proud. And I wasn’t happy. And I never told David about any of it.

It was tiring. The hatred. The anger. The hurt. The lies.
I was tired of hating Jessica. She wasn’t actually that bad.
I was tired of being angry with my mom. She was always trying to help me.
I was tired of hurting myself this way. I didn’t belong with Bryce’s crowd, and I knew it.
I was tired of lying to David. He didn’t deserve it.

Dear David,
I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Besides, you deserve better.

Amy.

I never even read his response.

Only My Mother

“Who’s David?”
I spun around. Bryce was holding my phone. Crap.
I went over and casually snaked my arms around him.
“He’s my cousin, don’t worry.” I giggled.
“A cousin wouldn’t tell you he’s in love with you.”
What? Did David really say that?
“I can’t believe this. You’ve been cheating on me.”
It took a lot of willpower to not roll my eyes. I snatched my phone away.
“It’s none of your business.”
“Yeah, it is. You’re my freaking girlfriend.” His voice was rough, and his eyes were hard.
“Not anymore.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m breaking up with you.”
“No you’re not. You can’t just break up with me.”
With his hand hard on my wrist, I realized what a mistake I’d made.
We were at his house. With his friends. And they were all drunk. And I was the only girl.
That’s when I went into full panic. I struggled against him, but he was too strong. That’s when training from my mom kicked in, and wham came the pepper spray. That’s when I ran. I ran to the closest bathroom and locked the door. I wasn’t sure it would last. What to do? I didn’t have anyone to call. Only my mother.
I was scared.
“Mommy?”
“Amelia? What’s wrong?”
“I need you to come get me. I’m at Bryce’s house. I’m locked in a bathroom. I think they may be drunk.”
“Stay right there, sweetie. Keep your pepper spray ready. I’m coming to get you.”
And like lighting, there she was.
My mother was a scary woman when she was angry.
“If you ever even look at my daughter wrong, I swear I will have every last one of you in jail. You better all get home before I call your parents. How dare you put a girl in such a position?” She lectured. It went on for a while.
Finally, we got into the car. I could feel a lecture coming on, but my mom surprised me.
“Are you okay?” She asked.
I nodded. No. No, I wasn’t.
“It’s alright to not be okay sometimes, Amy.”
That’s when I started to cry. She never called me Amy. She never accepted weakness. What in the world happened to my mother?
“I think you need to get away. What do you think?”
I nodded quickly. We pulled up to the house, and my mom told me to wait in the car. A few moments later she came out with a duffel bag and her purse and got back into the car.
“Let’s get out of here.”

My mom was full of surprises. I didn’t know she knew me this well.
Without even asking, she began to drive. It took me a while, but I soon recognized where we were headed, and I couldn’t help feel excited. We were headed to Leavenworth, my all-time favorite place. I don’t know what it was about the place, but it made me unexplainably happy. Especially during Christmas time. I loved window shopping and just looking around the small, adorable town.
My mom took us to a fancy little hotel, and set me right to bed. At first I complained, but she guaranteed me we’d be here a few days and have plenty of time to enjoy Leavenworth.
“Hey mom?” I whispered in the night. She was in the bed across the room, but she heard.
“Yes, honey?”
“Thank you.”
There was a pause. “You’re welcome.”
There was a lot of hurt and anger between me and my mom, but there was something about this trip that felt like healing. And I decided I needed it. I knew that if I kept that wound open, I might bleed to death.

The next morning felt like joy. I woke to breakfast in bed. Sure, it was from the hotel service, but the fact that she thought of such a thing and knew to ask for ketchup with my eggs. It was just another stitch in closing my cut.
My mother had a hard time with the concept of window shopping. She didn’t understand that sometimes, you don’t get what you want. You just fall in love and learn to walk away. It was a lesson that I didn’t realize she never seemed to have learned. It put some things into perspective. It made me wonder how she was raised. I always had my dad to keep me from being too spoiled. He taught me to take care of myself and to never take things for granted.
I wondered if her parents had taught her that.

We stopped at a bench to just people watch, and it finally came time to talk.
“I’m really sorry for the way things turned out, Amelia. I really am. Your father and I…we were too young when we got married. We didn’t know what marriage even meant. We weren’t ready, and it’s showed throughout our entire marriage. Don’t misunderstand. It was a good marriage. We loved each other. We had you. For that I will always be happy that we did get married. We really tried to make it work for you, honey. We really did. But we both wanted happiness, and it wasn’t with each other.” She explained.
We were quiet for a while. I soaked in her words and tried to fit them into my idea of their divorce.
“You broke Dad’s heart.”
“I know. I’ve constantly broken his heart, from the day we met. I’ve tried for years; I’ve tried to be the perfect wife. But that’s not who I am. And he deserves better. That’s why I know he’ll be okay. He’s always been able to get back up and believe in happiness again.”
Her words fell into me and brought me racing to David. Maybe we weren’t so different, my mom and I. Maybe we both always pushed people away.
“How is this guy different?” I asked. “How do you know he’s the one?”
She smiled. “Simple. I may get mad at him because I get mad at everyone, but I can’t stay mad at him. And he can’t stay mad at me. And we know how to talk to each other. We can compromise. I could never do that with your father.”
It was then that I decided to forgive my mother. It wouldn’t be right away, and I would need time. But maybe we needed each other. Maybe I could learn something from this woman I thought I hated. Maybe there’s always more to a person than you might think.

Like all good things, my time in Leavenworth had to come to an end. For my mom to leave her job for even a few days so suddenly was extremely hard for her—not on her business, but on her mental health. I realized that she needed to work to calm her ever-moving mind. We both always thought too much.
Despite my mother’s threatening, I knew the guys wouldn’t let this just go. And honestly, I didn’t know what to do with myself without them. I didn’t have any other friends. Bella stopped talking to me and did her best to avoid me. I couldn’t blame her. Without the guys, I was a loner.

I guess I expected some big explosion. Confrontation. Anything.
Oh, he found a way to get back at me. Just not the way I expected. I expected something violent or rude or physical. I didn’t expect him to hurt me in the heart.
When I went back to school that next week, Bryce had Jessica on his arm. It was official. He dumped me for my way-cooler step-sister. I didn’t even compare to her, apparently.
I didn’t expect that to hurt.
They were everywhere. In the lunchroom, in class, in the parking lot. They seemed to rub it in my face.
Whatever.
I missed David. I knew what a mistake I had made. I knew I was a pitiful excuse of a person, but I hoped that someday I’d see him again and he’d understand. Slim chance.
I began to wonder all about him. What was he doing? Who was he with? Did he miss me? Did he hate me? Was he okay? Did he regret our summer together? Was he seeing someone new? Had he moved on? Would he ever forgive me?

Sitting alone at lunch, I took to people watching. I learned things about people that I never knew.
I learned that Bella was good friends with all the band and choir kids. I learned that those kids would randomly burst into song. And they laughed a lot. They seemed happy.
I learned that Jessica seemed very unhappy with Bryce. Or maybe it was uncomfortable. Whatever it was she felt, she obviously didn’t like what she found in Bryce. Unlike me, though, she didn’t excuse their behaviors.
It was the beginning of the next week that I saw Jessica snap. I never knew what Bryce said or what he did, but it was the last straw. In the middle of lunch, Jessica took a stand and yelled at him that she was done. With a proud stride, she marched out of the lunchroom like she was queen. She walked in such a way that made you believe she did. She had a flamboyant sort of dignity, and I kind of admired it.

I won’t lie. Part of me felt urged to take advantage of Jessica’s leaving to fit myself right back into the space with Bryce. I knew he’d take me. It’d be a perfect comeback for the public humiliation by Jessica.
I wasn’t even surprised when he tried to get me back.
I laughed. “I may not be smart, but I’m not that stupid. Find yourself some other dumb girl.”

I hoped I made the right choice because it was hard. I wanted to be loved. I wanted friends. The loneliness was killing me.

There was only one person that could help me with the loneliness. Only one person who could make it better.

Amy.
Please don’t get discouraged. Hey, it’s going to be okay. We can do this. I don’t want anyone other than you.
David.

Amy.
Please respond. I’m worried about you. I miss you.
David.

Amy.
If you ever loved me, please respond.
David.

Amy.
I don’t know what’s going on. All I know is I’m in love with you. And I’ll be here when you’re ready. I’ll let you have some time. Just don’t ever think you’re not good enough for me. If you’re seeing someone else, I’d like to know. So I can move on. But if you’re still willing to give this a try, I will wait for as long as I can.
David.

Dear David,
I’m so sorry. If you don’t hate me, I’d like the chance to make this better. I think I’m ready now.

Amy.

I waited two weeks for a response before I gave up. He had moved on.

After school almost three weeks after I responded, I was shocked to find a miracle leaning against my car. It was David.
I approached him nervously, planning on mad words to be directed at me. I stood in front of him, and it was awkward. Like the first time we’d met.
Then, like the magic he was, he grabbed me into his arms and let out a sigh. Like he’d wanted to do this for years. Like he couldn’t believe I was in his arms. It melted my heart, and I soon found myself crying.
Like a perfect boyfriend, he simply led me to the passenger seat and took my keys. We drove around for a long time before we spoke.
“I don’t hate you.” He told me.
“You should.”
“Why’s that?”
“’Cause I’m an awful person.”
“Please don’t believe that, Amy. You’ve been going through a rough time, and it’s led you to some bad choices. But I don’t believe you’re a bad person.”
“You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“Tell me then.”
So I did. I told him about Bryce. And Bella. And Jessica. I told him everything. And I waited him to storm out in anger. I waited for the hurt to hit me.
But he simply said, “It’s okay.”
He stopped at a park.
“How can you say that?”
He turned at looked at me. “I can say that because I love you. And I can’t stop loving you, no matter what mistakes you’ve made. Trust me; I’ve tried to forget you. I’ve tried to stop thinking about you every day, but you’re everything to me. I can’t let you go.”
Gently, with hope in his fingertips, he reached his hand over and pulled me in. I missed being kissed by him more than I realized. It was nothing like any other boy. We belonged together.

Having David there was like a gift from the heavens, made just for me. My mother wasn’t so sure, but she didn’t want to ruin our newfound peace. Plus, I think she could see how happy he made me. David was going to stay for a week.

We started with Seattle. Growing up in Washington, I had been to Seattle many times. For David, it was all a brand new experience that I got to give him.
At the Space Needle, we laughed at all the people down below. At the Experience Music Project, we jammed away to a tune no one else could hear or even understand but us. At the Pacific Science Center, we became little kids again, finding way too much fun in everything. At the Woodland Park Zoo, we fell in love with all the animals and gave them all names.
What can I say?
We were kids in love.

We held hands everywhere we went, and we found ourselves kissing quite a bit. I couldn’t help but laugh at how much I loved this boy.
I tried to keep him away from my family, but he had other ideas. He wanted to get to know them. And my mom took advantage of his influence on me. She invited him to a family dinner, which meant I would have to attend as well. So far I had been able to avoid any family gatherings such as dinner. This would be a first for both of us.

“So David, how’d you two meet?” My mother questioned.
He gave me a quick glance and a big smile. “We met last summer in Hawaii.”
Jessica continued to stare at David unashamedly, but I hid a laugh when her dad kicked her under the table. They were the most unsubtle people ever. My step-dad was polite and didn’t ask anything too personal, thank goodness.
Jessica seemed to take a hint finally and gave up her puppy love attempts. David obviously was mine. The way he looked at me. I don’t know. It really was something else.
Surprisingly, I found myself laughing alongside these people I had vowed to hate. They weren’t the robots I thought they were. Leave it to David to bring me to see it.

David changed a lot of things that week. He gave me something no one else could. He opened my mind. He gave me a reason to hope. He helped me learn to breathe again.

He made me happy.

I wanted it to never end.

Saying I didn’t want David to leave would be an understatement. I truly felt devastated as the goodbye got closer.
We had one day.
It was the morning before he had to leave.
He was waiting in the living room for me to wake up, like always. As hard as I tried, he always woke before me. He was reading the newspaper like a grown-up, and I came and snuggled myself into his arm.
“Hey sunshine, what do you want to do today?” He smiled.
I buried myself deeper and made some sort of sound.
He laughed. “What? You didn’t sleep well?”
“No, I don’t want you to go.” I sighed. I held him as close as I could, trying to melt my heart into his. I never wanted to be separated again. But I knew it was coming all too fast.
He was quiet or a moment. “I don’t want to leave. But we’ll see each other again. I know it. I don’t love having to wait, but I love who I’m waiting for. So I know it’s worth it.”
“Don’t go.”
“Hey. Today we will just be happy. We’ll have the time of our lives. Then tomorrow we can be sad, okay?”
With a sniffle, I agreed to it. Today we’d be happy.

David didn’t disappoint. He wouldn’t even give me the chance to think about it. After we talked, he whirled me into the car and took me to breakfast. He was always a perfect gentleman. He held the door, pushed in my chair, paid for my meal. He never let me think I deserved any less. He made me feel like I was worth something.

There was one last thing he wanted to do.

Refusing to tell me where we were going, David drove us toward Everett. I had no idea what he had in mind, and I was thoroughly confused when he parked us at Children’s Hospital.
“What are we doing here?” I asked him.
He simply smiled at me. “Come on.”
He pulled a couple bags out of the trunk and led me into the hospital. What he taught me that day would stay with me forever.
With a childish grin, he opened his bag to show me a large collection of small toys. He produced a ukulele from another bag, and explained to me our task.
“We’re going to bring joy to the sick kids in need of it.” He smiled.
I couldn’t help and admire him.
We spent almost the entire day handing out toys and singing to make the kids smile and laugh. It felt wonderful to give to these children something so small and see the great joy that came from it.
It made me look outside myself, and I realized how relieving that was on my head. I didn’t think about my family. I didn’t think about David leaving. I didn’t think about me.

Then the day came. We couldn’t ignore it anymore. I drove him to the airport, and we sat in the car for a moment. There was nothing we could do. He had to leave. And I had to stay.
“How are we going to make this work?” I whispered, holding back tears.
“Look at me, Amy. We will make it work. We’ll talk every day. And you have to tell me everything. What’s going on in that head of yours, so I can help you figure it out. It might not feel like it, but you will never be alone. I’m always going to be there. Just a phone call away. And we won’t be so far apart forever. We’ll have our time. We just have to wait. I love you. And I’m not going to give up.”

Missing David was like walking around with a hole in my chest. This time, though, we worked together to keep me from really losing it. He would call me when he got done with work and we’d Skype every Sunday. It was good to have the schedule. It gave me something to look forward to.
Being in love with David closed my eyes to any other boys. I didn’t even notice them anymore. I didn’t notice much of anything. I was still a loner, but I was learning to be okay with it. I even enjoyed it sometimes.
After visiting the hospital that day with David, I also developed an obsession with volunteering. I also decided I might want to be a pediatrician one day.
David was opening all these doors that I didn’t know even existed.
I was different than I used to be. And I liked this person better. David brought the best out of me, and I liked myself better when I was with him.
I couldn’t believe some of the stupid things I did with Bryce. I couldn’t believe I even had been with the guy. I didn’t realize how much I hated who I used to be.
I decided to make some changes. I began to tutor at school during lunch. There were a lot of nice kids that struggled with school. Academics had never been a problem for me, and I enjoyed helping others understand. There was nothing better than the face of a freshman when a concept finally clicks and makes sense. It was pretty amazing.
Then there were those kids that didn’t care and didn’t try and didn’t want to understand. They just wanted to be left alone. Once, I would have rolled my eyes and called them lazy. But now, I looked at them and couldn’t help but wonder what other problems they were dealing with. Maybe their parents had just gotten divorced. Maybe something even worse was going on. You could never know.

Things were starting to look up, but that never lasts for me.
It didn’t take long before I had to face my mistakes.

Bryce had decided to make my life miserable. He was pretty good at it too. It started small, name-calling, stupid immature things. I could deal with that. I had a knack for ignoring annoying people. I wouldn’t let him get to me. I didn’t tell David at first.
I thought I could take it. No reason to make him worry, there was nothing he could do anyways.
But he could tell.

“What’s wrong?” He questioned me.
“Huh? Nothing, I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Pause. “It’s really not a big deal.”
“It’s a big enough deal to make you sad. I can tell.”
So I told him. He was furious. It was kind of cute that he cared about me that much—that he wanted to protect me. But as I knew, there was nothing he could do.

Then it got physical.

I was at my locker, getting my textbooks for my next class, when Bryce and his posse came up behind me.
“What do you want, Bryce? This is getting old.” I groaned.
“We’re not done yet.” He replied.
“Yes, we are.”
“We’re gone when I say we’re done.” He grabbed my wrist and I dropped my books.
“Let go before I get you arrested.” I growled.
“I’d like to see you try.” He threatened back.
“Let her go, Bryce.” Said a familiar female voice. A voice I had desperately missed.

Bella stood there like a woman at war. She knew the territory and she knew she was going to win, so you better stay out of her way.
“This doesn’t concern you, Bella.” Bryce dared.
She raised an eyebrow. “It does concern me. You’re forcing this to concern me. So get lost before I make it completely my concern.”
Bryce glanced between us, and shrugged. “This isn’t even worth my time.”
“You’re right, it isn’t.” Bella rolled her eyes.
Then it was just me and her.
“You okay?” She inquired, a few awkward steps away from me.
“Bella, I’m so sorry.”
She smiled. “That’s all I needed to hear.”
To my surprise, she quickly closed the space and enclosed me in a hug. With tears in my eyes, I clung to my best friend and wondered what I had ever done to deserve this.
After a while, we ended up sitting on the floor against the lockers, just talking.
“I thought you hated me.” I admitted. “I wouldn’t blame you.”
“I could never hate you. I was annoyed at first, maybe a little mad. Okay, I was really mad. I couldn’t believe you’d do something like that to me, and then I was sad you didn’t try harder to stay friends with me. But it only lasted for a while. I knew you were hurting. I knew you were just trying to figure it out. I knew it wasn’t something I could love. So I decided I’d wait until you were ready. I’ve always been looking out for you. You just needed some time.”
“This is why you’ve always been the better person.” I sighed. “You love everyone, even when they don’t deserve to be loved.”
“Everyone deserves to be loved.” She waited. “Except maybe Bryce.”
We burst out laughing.
It felt good.

Things were coming together again.

With David and Bella by my side, they encouraged me to keep on opening doors.
I began doing more things with the family. Jessica wasn’t half bad. She knew how to respect my space and things, and I finally realized something: she was in the same position as me. Her parents had divorced and her dad married my mom. Unlike me, though, she didn’t seem to hate it.
I asked her about it one day.
“Aren’t you ever mad your parents got divorced?” I asked her. She had suggested we watch a movie together while our parents were out on a date. It actually made me feel bad for the way I’d been treating her.
“Maybe when they told me,” She replied. “But, not anymore.”
“How come?”
She had a quiet smile. “My dad’s just so happy with your mom. Happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. I know they didn’t just divorce on a whim. It was a carefully made decision that really benefited all of us. Maybe it was hard, but it’s an experience I’m glad I’ve had. It’s made me realize I want to be a psychologist someday to help kids who go through things like this. To help them learn that it doesn’t have to hurt, and it doesn’t have to suck. It can be okay.”
“I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you.” I apologized. “I was just so upset about the divorce. I didn’t want anything to do with my mom, and even less to do with the new people she brought it. It kind of felt like she was replacing me and my dad.”
“I was really excited to get a sister. They told me it might take you a while to come around. Remember when I threw that party? I did it to try and impress you. Show you I was cool enough to be on your level. I guess it wasn’t my brightest idea.”
Suddenly, we were both hugging and crying. I kept apologizing and she kept saying it was okay, and then we realized we had missed the most important part of the movie and couldn’t help laughing.

In a lot of ways, things weren’t perfect. I was still adjusting to having a step-father. I guess having a sister was a little easier because I didn’t already have one of those. My mom still got on my nerves, but I could see her trying. I knew she cared about me, and I knew she had me in mind with every decision she made. I knew she wanted me to happy. And I began to see what Jessica saw. I wanted her to be happy too, and this guy certainly made her happy.
It was time to look outside of myself.
Instead of hiding in my room, I’d join for family dinner. When they wanted to go somewhere, I’d come with them. It wasn’t actually that hard. It soon became really easy to spend time with my family. And I realized I like being around them. It was hard to be alone all the time. Being alone at school was hard enough, but to come home and still feel alone was even worse. But I realized I didn’t have to be like that. It had always been a choice.
Things will Bella were a little awkward sometimes, but we both were on the same page now. We’d help each other. She was thrilled when I told her about David. She couldn’t believe I actually had gone and fallen in love in Hawaii. She couldn’t believe any guy could be as amazing as David.
Oh, but he was. David was always there when I needed him. The distance hurt with every mile between us, but he was always right there all the same. I’d be doing something and I’d imagine what David would say. If I was sad and couldn’t think of what he’d say, I’d call him and he’d tell me himself. It wasn’t perfect, and it was really hard. But it was enough.
He’d always be enough.

I didn’t know how things were going to end. I didn’t know if David would fall in love with someone else or if it’d be the same chemistry when we saw each other again. I didn’t know if my dad was going to find someone new. I didn’t know if my mom’s second marriage would last. I didn’t know a lot of things.
And it was okay.
It was time to stop stressing. It was time to not regret the past. It was time to live.