Chapter Two
Without any kind of guidance or rules I was able to do as I pleased. It even went as far as me going to my first real party. I should have had the brains to say, “No, I really want to just go see a movie instead,” but my best friend Taylor just kept pushing the issue so I finally gave in. We arrived at the party, and there were a million cars. A bunch of people that I didn’t know were hanging around outside sipping on their drinks. I was so nervous that I felt like my heart was about to beat right out of my chest and hop on down the street without me. So I took a big breath, put on a fake smile to cover up my nervousness, and entered into the backyard. I don’t remember much about that night except waking up in my bed and wondering how I got there.
That night opened a door that I didn’t know I had inside of me. I probably didn’t know it was there because it wasn’t meant to be found. But somehow I managed to find the key and unlock a world I had no idea about. I’m not upset that Taylor had kind of forced me to go to this party though. I had all the power to tell her “no,” but I didn’t. This was my fault and no one else should be to blame except me. I continued that week almost everyday with Taylor ignoring my mom’s behavior. But I couldn’t shake the thoughts of my mom not eating, not speaking, sitting in her dark room lifeless and fading, and still not telling me about the call and why my father had not come home after work.
One night I sat up in my bed with my pillows stacked neatly behind my back and my blankets cuddling up to my chin thinking about all the reasons why I hadn’t seen my dad for a week. The most likely story I came up with was that he met someone; but she wouldn’t be an average woman. She would have had to be absolutely stunning. Maybe a dark haired, dark skinned hula dancer from Hawaii, (my dad had a business meeting there a month or so ago). This made the most sense because one day when I was bringing him his phone, the screen had a picture of a lady that was very beautiful. The name came up as “Business Call”. But it still didn’t explain why the hospital called. Immediately I thought it was about my father. It had to be! Why else would my mom be so upset?
My mouth dropped open and my vision was a blur. I ran down the stairs and stood there at the front of my mom’s locked door and cried. I screamed and hit the door, bloodying my knuckles and scaring my throat. I wanted her to hear me. I wanted her to feel what I was feeling. She left me, abandoned me with no idea what had happened. It was like I was a puppy that no one wanted. At first you are loved and cared for, then the next thing you know you are in a box on the side of a cold street sitting in the rain not knowing what you did wrong or what had changed. Even then standing there shaking and screaming, not a sound came out of my mom’s room. Not even a squeak from the springs of her quilted bed could be heard. It wasn’t fair that she wouldn’t tell me what was going on. I was so confused.
I assume that my mom’s addiction to drugs began while she was locked away in her room. I knew she already smoked weed because I found her stash a month before while I was looking for a pair of socks in her top drawer. That didn’t really bother me though; I knew that weed wasn’t that dangerous. But I was too naive to realize that weed was just the stepping stool my mom needed to get access to harder, more intense drugs.
A couple months later my mom gave up on the soothing vapors of dope, and switched to taking pills. I guess smoking weed got too boring for her. She would rummage through the bathroom cupboards, rip open prescription bottles and take just enough for her to escape the realities of the world. I watched day after day as she destroyed herself. I didn’t know what to do, and I was so full of resentment towards her that I decided to shut her out, and let the drugs take over her life.
From that point on, my mother and I grew far apart. We were like the North and South Poles. My heart hardened and I hated everything about my mom. We didn’t speak or even look at each other. The only time I ever saw my mom was when I left for school in the morning, and when she would come in the door after working as a waitress at CJ’s Deli and Dining. It came as a surprise to me as to how she even kept her job with the way she acted. I’m not complaining though. If she could still act somewhat normal while being on drugs and function enough to be working, thank God. Without some kind of income we would for sure be on the streets stealing like Aladdin and Abu.
Naturally, as the connection between my mother and I disintegrated I spent less and less time at my house, and more time with my best friend Taylor. I met Taylor my eighth grade year in math class. When she walked in the door all heads turned to her. She was hard to miss. Long blond hair curled around her head and spiraled down to the middle of her back. Her blue eyes sparkled behind long blackened eyelashes and stood out amongst her fair skin and rosy cheeks.
You couldn’t ignore the boys in their seats crossing their legs or setting a book on top of their laps trying to hide their excitement to finally see an attractive middle schooler who didn’t have a fake-n-bake tan. It was pretty funny. Taylor looked over the class once until she picked a seat. She sat down across from me and introduced herself. By the end of that class we were friends, already making plans to hang out after school. Through talking to her I came to find out that she was pretty much my neighbor and was within walking distance from where I live. That weekend I went over to her house for a sleepover. I wanted to get to know her better and hear her story about why she moved here to Bonney Lake, Washington.

When I asked, Taylor told me a story that I will never forget. It was this story that finalized our friendship for life. I was over at her house the Friday after meeting her, and we were watching The Little Mermaid in her room when she turned towards me and said “Can I tell you something? I mean, I know I told you a little bit about why I moved, but I never actually told you the whole reason.”
I replied reassuringly, “Of course you can, you can tell me anything!” She took in a deep breath and began her story.
“One night at my old house I was sitting in my bed. I was feeling really sick. I don’t remember what time it was, but it was really late and my mom was in her room with her boyfriend. I snuck out of my room and sat on the edge of the bathtub hoping that I wouldn’t throw up. As I was beginning to feel better the door to my mom’s room opened and Gary… that was my mom’s boyfriend, came rushing out at me. I didn’t know what was going on. I ran into my room and tried to hide, but he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the stairs. I looked at the door to my mom’s room but it was shut and locked. When he had finished going down the stairs with me he picked me up, still holding my hair and threw me into the wall. He hit me over and over and over. I didn’t know what to do.” She started to cry a little, but continued on.
“I tried to get free but he was holding me so tight that I couldn’t move. I stopped struggling hoping that he might loosen his grip a little bit. But he didn’t. He kept holding me there just staring at me. When he finally let go I backed myself into the living room and sat on the couch. I was shaking so bad that I couldn’t even clasp my hands together. He left me down there with bruises on my face and arms. The next day my mom went to the police to file a restraining order against him. I didn’t understand why he was hitting me and it wasn’t until our way up here that my mom explained what was going on.” Taylor took in a deep breath closed her eyes and prepared herself for what she was going to say next.
“My mom was raped. Almost every night she was with him, he would lock her in her room and rape her. He told her that if she said a word to anyone he would kill me, and our whole family. She was so scared that he would hurt me or even take it to the next level and rape me that she promised not to say a word. The night he beat me he was mad because my mom was resisting his needy hands. She was trying to fight back, so he took out his anger on me. That was the last straw for my mother. She couldn’t deal with him anymore so she reported him to the police.” Taylor finished her story with a final inward breath.
At first I felt so disgusted that I thought that I was going to throw up right then and there all over her newly carpeted floors. I glanced away for a minute and got myself together before quietly muttering the words, “I am so sorry.” I was afraid that if I spoke any louder I would start to cry. With my arms outstretched towards her I said, “Come here” and she fell into them. We sat there and cried for a good couple of minutes. Then Taylor started to laugh. I assume my facial expression was surprised because she said, “Look at this, we are blubbering like babies. Come one let’s get some ice cream and finish the movie.” I laughed and agreed with her. Ice cream sounded like the perfect thing to be eating right then. I sat on her bed as she fetched the ice cream out of the downstairs freezer. She came back up the stairs with two forks and a carton of chocolate ice cream. I was surprised that she remembered that I eat ice cream with a fork. I looked at her and said with all seriousness, “I think I found my new best friend.”
She smiled and said, “Yeah, me too.”
Later on that night once the ice cream was gone and the movie was over, I felt that since she shared with me about her life, it was only fair if I told her about mine. I told her about my mom’s addiction to drugs and about not knowing how I didn’t know where my father was because my mom refused to talk about it, or even talk to me in the first place. She listened carefully, and nodded every couple of seconds soaking up every word that I was saying. My story wasn’t as moving as hers, but it still had an impact. When I finished talking she asked me a question that I will never forget. With curiousness behind her eyes she said, “Do you still love your mom though?”
This question came as such a shock to me that I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say to Taylor. The best thing I could come up with was, “How can I love and respect someone who doesn’t even love and respect me enough to tell me where my father is but instead expects me to figure it out on my own? I don’t even know why he left. My mom won’t even talk to me. She sits in her room on drugs everyday. Yeah, sometimes I do wish that I was strong enough to stop her from getting on drugs in the first place. But it isn’t my job.”
Taylor was still staring at me with the same look on her face as before. Then she said, “It sounds to me like we have a war on our hands. You want your mom back, but you don’t want to admit it. No matter how much you think you hate her you can always forgive her and save her before she is beyond the point of saving.”

It has been two years since that night and we are still fighting the same war. Every time Taylor pushes me to confront my mom about her drug addiction I swallow my pride, and try to talk to her. But all that does is waste my breath, and contribute to global warming. Nowadays my mom is so high that when I try talking to her that all I get is a few words that sound like a different language. The only thing that I can come up with to get my mom to listen to me when I talk is to catch her at a time that she is coming down from a high. I still have yet to find that time. But when I do, I hope I have enough to say to get her to try to give up the drugs. In the mean time I still go to school, and try to pass all my classes. Every morning it’s getting harder and harder to wake up. This isn’t because of my mom though. It’s more about just not wanting to get up so early in the morning.
My alarm went off at five forty-five in the morning. The repetitive beeping sound coming from its little green speakers echoed in my brain. The noise seemed to be saying “Hello!” “Get up!” “Yeah you with the fuzzy pajamas on, GET UP!” I tried my best to ignore it, but there is no way I can fall asleep listening to that annoying alarm. After two minutes of listening to that high pitched bell sound I finally rolled out of my soft, warm, cozy bed, shuffled along the floor with freezing toes, turned on the bedroom light and shut off my alarm. That stupid thing always wins! No matter how hard I try to defeat it, its ridiculously loud pinging will continue to wake me up for years to come.
After losing the battle with my alarm clock I walked over to my white dresser with my arms crossed. It was way too early for me to be up getting dressed, but on the bright side it was Thursday and I had big plans this weekend. My drawers opened with a squeak, and I was faced with the same decision I make every morning around this time. What to wear? My clothes were folded and put away in color order, but that didn’t make the decision process any easier. I put a finger to my chin, looked upwards and thought. Ah! I know. I grabbed a pair of jeans that would for sure make my butt look good, and also chose my favorite bright pink, long sleeved shirt.
With my outfit in one hand and my backpack in the other I left my room and entered the bathroom. I always thought it was easier to get dressed in the bathroom since everything I needed to get ready with was right there in the bathroom. I pulled on my clothes quickly and was pleased with what I picked out to wear. It all seemed to fit just right. When I glanced up at the mirror to see what shape my face was in I nearly screamed.
My long wavy brown hair resembled something like a rat’s nest. No surprise. I didn’t dry my hair after my shower last night so when I woke up it was all over the place. But my hair wasn’t the most of my concern. It was the dark circles and left over makeup under my eyes that had me worried. I rushed in the shower so I didn’t have time to wash off all of my makeup Hurriedly I reached under the sink and opened a box of cotton swabs. I applied water to the tips and rubbed them under my eyes. The dark circles didn’t disappear, but the makeup did. I took a step back from the mirror and analyzed. My hair still needed to be brushed, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to add some color to my eyelids to make my brown eyes pop. So I opened my backpack, took out my makeup bag and put on my face.
I finished getting ready for school in a record breaking fifteen minutes. I took one final look in the mirror and it all seemed to be perfect; my hair, my face, and my outfit. I could tell that it was going to be a great day! Before leaving the house I made sure that all the lights were off and closed the door to my room. I stomped down the stairs and crossed into the living room heading towards the door. As I walked through the living room a small noise that sounded like a snore emitted from our black couch and scared me so badly that I actually almost peed my pants. When I saw that it was just my mom passed out from working the night before, I took in a relaxing breath and continued onto the front door. But I couldn’t shake the image of my mom lying there on the couch out of my head.
She was all sprawled out and fast asleep. I’ll tell you for as small as she is, she sure does take up a lot of space. There was a small knitted blanket that covered only half of her petite, brittle body and she seemed to be having trouble breathing (hence the snoring). Why I noticed all this and was concerned this morning, I really don’t know. Maybe it was the look on her face that made me stop and take in the view. Whatever it was sent a warning sign right up to my head, and I knew then and there that I needed to do something about my mom and quick before things got any worse.
I tried my hardest before stepping out the front door to push the image to the back of my head. I shouldn’t be thinking about the condition of my mom right before I go to school. It just isn’t right! I took one last look at my mom, closed the door, breathed in the fresh November air and continued onto the bus stop. I was about half way to the bus when I heard the scuffling of shoes behind me. The first person that popped into my head that would be behind me was Taylor. I knew it wasn’t her though. She usually got rides from her parents. My curiosity got the best of me, and I turned around and was shocked to see a tall, brown haired boy walking about ten feet behind me.
I spun around and was hoping that he didn’t notice me looking back at him; but apparently I didn’t turn around fast enough. He saw me, and with a beautiful smile creeping sideways across his face he waved. I stood there for a couple seconds trying to fathom why this amazing looking guy was waving at me. I waved back before things got too awkward, and before he could think that his gesture was unwanted.
After the strange waving coincidence, I was stuck with an even weirder situation. He was less than five feet behind me, so if I continued walking to the bus with him that close to me would he think I was being rude? Or would he be relieved that he wouldn’t have to walk with someone he doesn’t know? I couldn’t waste much more time standing there mulling over my decision and looking creepy, so I turned around and continued on to the bus stop alone.
The bus arrived a couple seconds after I reached the end of the street. I boarded it and chose the second seat on the right side. As for the new boy, he picked the seat right across from me. How convenient. The whole ride to the school I could feel his eyes on me. I stared out the window and pretended not to notice. I have to admit it was really annoying. It was like I was some kind of zoo animal and he was waiting for me to do something amazing. I really wanted to turn to him and say, “Look, I’m not a freaking animal in a cage. I would appreciate it greatly if you would stop staring at me as if I were one.” But, you know, I didn’t feel like throwing my good mood away on something that little. I ignored his gaze and kept watching the trees blur together as we passed them.
The bus driver pulled into the school parking lot ten minutes late as usual. All the kids piled off the buses and walked towards the school entrances. Well, I take that back. They weren’t exactly walking. They were meandering like lost cows on a farm, not sure of where they were or why they were there. You could definitely tell it was Thursday. I entered the school and the five minute bell rang. We began to walk to our first class like we were supposed to, and the long boring school day started.
I went through the motions like everyone else in my school pretending like they gave a damn. I raised my hand when it seemed necessary, and nodded when it was appropriate. On the inside I was ready to get out of that stupid building. I thought that the school day was going to go by super slow. I was wrong. School passed really fast, and before I knew it I was back on the bus in the same freaking position as I was that morning. The mystery boy was sitting in that morning and was STILL staring at me. His stupid eyes were on me again, and I was staring out the window again. I thought to myself “Thank God my stop is first!” But then I realized that he would be getting off at the same stop as me; talk about a mood killing thought right there.
The bus rolled to a stop at the end of the street, and I stood up before it was parked. I was so ready to get home. I skipped the last step off the bus so I wouldn’t have to walk all the way back to my house with that guy following so close behind me. Despite all my efforts to leave him in the dust he managed to work his way up almost right next to me. I turned around and with a pissed off look on my face I said, “What the hell is your problem? You have been staring at me the whole bus ride here! And this morning you were creeping on me too! I would appreciate it if you would stop being such a stalker.”
All he did was laugh. What a jerk. The funniest thing happened when he was laughing though. I couldn’t get over the fact that he had such a great smile. I caught myself sort of staring at his amazing, straight, perfectly white teeth. I snapped back to reality and remembered what was going on. He was weird no matter how perfect his teeth were. I stood with my hands on my hips waiting for him to stop laughing and say something back to me.

In a deep yet pure voice he said, “Sorry! I didn’t mean to freak you out. My name is Kevin. I’m new here. My dad and I just moved in down the street.” At that point in time I was still mad. He hadn’t explained why he was staring at me the whole time on the bus. I folded my arms and replied rudely, “I didn’t ask what your name was, or where you live. I asked why the hell you were staring at me!”
He was taken back by how rude I was being and took a second before he said anything to me. Finally he answered, “Sorry, I wanted to say something to you. You know, break the ice a little this morning before school. I didn’t know what to say though. I didn’t mean to freak you out.”
I felt bad for talking to him the way I did after he told me all of this. I decided it would be a good idea to apologize and introduce myself. The scowl on my face turned into a smile and I said apologetically, “No I’m the one who should be sorry.” I held out my hand for him to shake and introduced myself. “I’m Kayanna.”

He took my hand into his and shook it very gently. Surprisingly his hand was very soft. I smiled after a couple of seconds then retracted my hand from his and walked the rest of the way back to my house. I walked up our wooden steps to the back door. I didn’t want to wake up my mom by going directly into the living room. My efforts to not wake her were wasted because when I walked into the back door my mom was already awake and was standing right there waiting for me.
The look on her face was beyond scary. I couldn’t tell if she was high or if some demon had taken over her body. It was trippy. Her eyes were glossed over with a white film and were streaked with red veins. She was sort of hunched over, leaning her small white elbow on the washer. I didn’t know what to do. This has never happened before. I took a step back towards the door and said, “Hey mom, are you okay?”
The next thing I knew I was pinned on the ground with her boney fingers around my neck; her knees pressed hard into my stomach. I couldn’t squirm lose from the hold she had on me so I began kicking my legs and twisting my body hoping to throw her off. This only made her tighten her grip around my neck.
Struggling to get free caused me to run out of breath even more and with my mom squeezing my neck, oxygen couldn’t enter my lungs. Numbness began to take over my face starting with my nose and my vision became blurry. I felt like giving up and just letting her finish me off right there. But my body didn’t agree with my mind. With one final push of my legs I sent my mom flying across the hard wood floor.
I didn’t wait for her to get up from the ground before I ran up to my room. I locked the door behind me and pressed my body against the door just in case she decided to try and break down the door. This was by far the craziest thing she had ever done while being on drugs. Standing there breathing hard, I tried to catch my breath. My neck was pulsating with pain and I felt sick to my stomach.

With my ear pressed to the door listened for the foot steps of my mom on the stairs, but I heard nothing. Slowly I turned around and cracked the door of my room. I peered down the stairs and my mom was still curled up in a ball on the ground. A wave of relief washed through my body and I felt my muscles start to relax. I re-closed my door, sat on my bed and started to cry.
I cried until my head hurt from the loud sobs coming out of my mouth. How did things get so bad? I felt hopeless, alone, and scared. If I couldn’t figure out a way to stop my mom, to get away from this, I would for sure be swallowed whole by all of this. But I don’t want to tell the police. The only thing they would do is take her away from me and what would I have left? Nothing. I would have absolutely nothing.
When I placed my head on my pillow my eyes immediately closed. I needed to rest. All of this was too much. Something needed to be done to get my mom back, and me trying to do that by myself was just not working. I lay on my bed contemplating all of the ways for me to escape this and somehow help my mom. I let my mind drift and wonder. Before I knew it I was sound asleep.
The ring from the house phone woke me up. I sat up in a hurry and all the blood rushed to my head. I grabbed my head in pain and waited for it to pass. Looking across the room, I noticed my clock said 7:23. Wow, I had been sleeping for almost four hours! The time wasn’t the most of my concern though. The phone was still ringing and I was still sitting on my bed.
I shot off of my bed and ran down the stairs. The phone was set on the counter next to a pile of papers. I didn’t take the time to look at the caller ID before answering.
“Hello?”
“Hey! Kay baby, its Taylor!”
The sound of her voice was like a breath of fresh air. There was no one in the world that I would rather talk to at a time like this. I didn’t want to bring anything up yet though. She called me for a reason, and for me to talk about me…well that would be rude. I set my story on the back burner and gave her my full attention.
“Tay baby! What’s up?”
“Oh you know the usual. Doing homework and watching some T.V. I was calling because I wanted to know what you were doing tomorrow. It’s Friday! And you know what that means?!”
We both screamed the missing word, “Party!”
We laughed and she replied back to me, “Damn straight! So are you down?” I didn’t think twice about her offer. After all, this week had been really long and I think I deserved to go do something a little on the wild side.
I was so excited about the upcoming party that I forgot to tell Taylor about what happened with my mom. I know you are probably thinking “who could forget something as scary as that?” But after these last few years trying to ignore my mom and the things that she was doing, it became almost like second nature to just forget and move on.
Our conversation didn’t last much longer after I agreed to go with her to the party. We usually didn’t talk much on the phone because we spent so much time together. After saying “goodbye” I hung up the phone and placed it back on the counter where I found it. Only five minutes had passed since I answered the phone, but I was still tired from the showdown earlier that day. I huffed back up the stairs to my room, plopped on my bed and fell back asleep.
The next morning I woke up with four words in mind, “Thank God it’s Friday!” I threw my blankets off of my body and practically jumped out of bed. For it being so early I had so much energy! “Party” was the only thing that I kept thinking of. I was already nervous because this party was going to be like no other. Taylor had told me that where it was going to be was supposed to be really nice. And by nice she meant an indoor pool, hot tub, the whole shebang.
I flew out the door not even bothering to check and see if my mom was at work or not, I had more important things on my mind. I saw Kevin outside his house and we walked together to the bus stop, only this morning he didn’t say much to me. Just a “Hi” and “How are you?” was all that came out of his mouth.
I didn’t want to bug him, so I didn’t ask what was bothering him. He seemed relieved when I kept the talking to a minimum. I guess he was just having one of those days. Anyway, when we got to school and were inside the building I started to walk towards my locker. Out of nowhere, two guys came running down the hallway wearing ridiculous outfits.
One guy had on a fuzzy purple and green dragon suit, and the second guy was wearing a huge wizard’s coat that had gold, flashing stars imbedded in it. They were fighting. But it was like some mythical, fantasy land that they were in. The wizard kept waving his wand at the dragon casting out some invisible spell that only the dragon could see.
It was the strangest occurrence ever. Their ridiculous battle continued on for a good two minutes until a huge, ripped guy came around the corner and banged the two mythical creatures’ heads together causing them to grab their faces in pain. This really made me laugh. What a great way to start off the Friday! With a big smile on my face I bounced into my first period class.
Throughout the whole school day, I could barely keep my butt in the seat. Every inch of my skin was screaming “PARTY!” By the time the last bell rang, my excitement was so high that I could barely contain myself! I even found that I was coaxing the bus to go just a little bit faster that way I could get to Taylor’s faster and get ready for the party.
I literally ran home after the bus came to my stop. I didn’t have to wait for Kevin because he wasn’t on the bus after school. For some reason this fact bothered me. After the way he was acting this morning something was definitely wrong. I didn’t feel that we knew each other well enough for me to ask him to spill the beans because after all we only met the day before. But there was something about him that made me want to care about what was going on in his mind. To me, this thought was strange. When it comes to guys I was usually standoffish. Kevin seemed different. And I wanted to get to know him.
When I got to my house I busted down the door when I got to my house (not literally). My mom wasn’t there. She must have been at work or something. Good, I wasn’t ready to talk to her or even see her after how she treated me. I was looking forward to this night, to get screwed up and forget about everything that was going wrong in my life.
Before I left school that morning, I set what I was going to wear at the party out on my bed. I chose a light colored pair of jeans that rode low on my hips, and a simple black t-shirt that showed just the right amount of skin. As for my shoes, I picked my favorite gold flats. I thought they would give my outfit enough color.
I threw all of my clothes into a black Nike sports bag and tromped back down the stairs. Taylor only lived a couple blocks down from my house so it was about a three minute walk. I began my short journey to her house with the Nike bag on my back, my head held high and a skip in my step.
Taylor’s front door was unlocked when I got there and stepped right through it. I have been doing that since the first day we met. Her mom loved me and found no reason for me not to be able to come into the house without knocking. I guess you can say I’m a loveable person?
I stepped into the entry way of her house, removed my DC’s, and plopped down on the couch. By the time Taylor realized that I was at her house, I managed to eat half a bag of Doritos and watch the majority of an old Jersey Shore episode.
She came through the kitchen and jumped on me. The Doritos went flying everywhere. I looked at her and said, “Hey! My Doritos are now all over the floor!” She laughed and said, “Well, that’s what you get for eating all of my food!” That right there was typical Taylor and I.
We finished out the episode of Jersey Shore, and went to her room. The one thing that I like about Taylor’s house is that it isn’t so big that you get lost because of all the rooms. Her house is just a little bit bigger than mine. On the bottom floor of her house, there is the entry way from the front door, and that connected to the living room on the left. If you walked straight ahead you would be standing right in the middle of the kitchen.
To the right of the kitchen was a small hallway that led right up to Taylor’s room. The set up of her house was weird. The only room that was upstairs was Taylor’s. Her mom’s room was downstairs to the right of the entry way. The upside of how her house was laid out was that her room was huge. It was pretty much an attic, but made into a living space. You could basically have another living room, bathroom and bedroom upstairs in her house. That whole thing belonged to Taylor. So lucky!
I plopped down on her squishy bed and looked up at the ceiling. She had an assortment of stars and planets that glow in the dark on it. I stretched my neck back to see the hidden stars in the corner, and at that moment Taylor gasped loudly. I sat up startled. I gave her a confused look. She said, “Oh-my-god Kayanna, what happened to your neck?!”
My hand went immediately to my throat. I forgot that I didn’t tell her about what my mom did to me. I jumped up from her bed and walked over to her mirror. Sure enough there were a few bruises splattered on my neck. They weren’t that bad, but they were bad enough to where I needed to put some make-up on them so people didn’t ask questions. I sulked back over to Taylor’s bed and sat down. I patted the bed beside me and had her sit down next to me.
I explained everything to her. She was so concerned about me she even asked if we should call the CPS and report my mom. I shook my head and said, “If I do that to my mom she will for sure hate me. And then I would be taken away from here and god knows where I will end up. I just wish that getting my mom off drugs would be easier than what it has been. I’m starting to think the only thing to get her to stop is to sign her up for rehab without her knowing.”
Taylor raised her eyebrows and contemplated my idea. It was a good idea I do admit, but for some reason I didn’t think I could go through with it. Taylor pulled me into a hug and said, “Okay, let’s stop being Debbie downers and get ready for the party.”

I pulled my black t-shirt over my head and looked in the mirror. Not to toot my own horn or anything but damn I looked hot! My brown hair was straightened and my make-up was done perfectly. I put some gold on my eyelids to sort of match the color of my shoes. I felt so well put together. But I was not one to talk. Taylor looked drop dead gorgeous. That isn’t hard for her to do though. I swear everyday she looks amazing!
She had on a black skirt that she pulled up over a green, glossy shirt. As for shoes, she decided to go with some heels that kind of reminded me of gladiator sandals. They were black like her skirt. Long story short, she had the perfect outfit, and looked perfect herself.
Taylor’s mom was still at work by the time we left. It came in handy the fact that her mom worked at the hospital because she usually had night shifts and wouldn’t be home until around eight the next morning. Taylor grabbed the keys to her mom’s Honda off of the counter and went into the garage. She didn’t even have her license! But this wasn’t the first time that she jacked the keys to her mom’s car. I guess you could say that she was more of a bad influence on me than I was on her.
I sat in the passenger seat and put in our jamming CD. Yes, we have a CD that we call our jamming CD. It is the perfect mix of music to get us pumped for the party. I have to say that my favorite song would probably one by Trey Songz. He has such an amazing voice, and an amazing body for that matter.
Taylor started up the car and we turned up the tunes. The whole way to the party we were singing as loud as we could. By the time we got to the house the party was at, there was no where to park. The street and driveway were packed with cars. We drove down the road a little bit farther and parked next to some blackberry bushes. Not the smartest thing to do because we would both be drinking, and someone would be bound to fall in the bushes.
Taylor turned off the car and said, “You ready?” I smiled and yelled, “Hell yes!” She laughed and opened her door. It was easy for her to get out of the car because she was on the road side. But me, I was on the side where all the blackberry bushes were. There was no way that I would be able to get out without scratching up the side of the car! There was only one thing that I could do then, and that was climb across the seat and get out the other door. It was easier said than done. On the way of me exiting the car, I managed to bump my head on the lights on the roof of the car. It hurt. Taylor couldn’t hold back her laughter. She was doubled over, holding her stomach and pointing at me laughing.
I couldn’t be mad about something like that. It was pretty hilarious. I stumbled out of the black car and shut the door with a final slam. “Mission complete!" I said. I put my hands on my hips a matter-of-fact like style. Taylor reached for my arm and yanked me from my stance, and we began to walk down the road to the night that would change my life forever.
The house was everything that Taylor said it would be. It was pretty much a mansion. When the door was opened light and music fell out of it simultaneously. A ton of people crowded the illuminated hallways and kitchen. Everyone was dressed from almost nothing, to outfits like mine and Taylors. Majority of the people were wearing bathing suits since there was an indoor pool and hot tub.
If I could describe the house in one word it would probably be… well I probably couldn’t! That’s how sick the house was. The one thing you couldn’t miss walking into this house was the huge chandelier that hung from the center of the roof, just off the right of the stairs. It was nothing like I have ever seen before. The light bounced off of each individual crystal making strange reflections on the walls. It was beautiful.
Taylor wasn’t as awe struck as I was about the house; she had already seen plenty of houses like this. She was more focused on getting her drink on. I followed her into the kitchen to grab a couple beers. She walked in like she owned the place; opening the fridge and all the drawers inside it in search of booze. No one seemed to care, or even notice that she was getting into everything. It was pretty funny.
When Taylor finally recovered a couple beers from the cooler on the counter I was so thirsty that I chugged the whole thing. That wasn’t the best idea that I have had. It hit me a couple minutes later. One beer can do a lot to a small girl like me. It doesn’t take much for me to get tipsy, or drunk for that matter. A couple more and I would be gone.
After finishing my beer, I felt someone’s hand rub my back. Startled I turned around and came face to face with a stranger. I had never seen him before in my life, but he was cute. So I put on a smile and said, “Hey there, sweet party huh?”
He replied, “Hell yeah, but not as sweet as you cutie.” It was hard to hear what he was saying because the music was so loud. I told him that and it gave him the idea to lean in closer. He repeated what he said, but this time right in my ear.
I laughed and said, “Before we get to the name calling, I’d like it if you would tell me your real name.”
“He put out his hand and said with a gleam in his eye, “Sorry, I forgot my manners. My name is Landon.” I took his hand and told him my name. He seemed liked a pretty nice kid. He was drunk already, but that’s what a party is about right? Getting drunk and meeting people who you won’t remember the name of the next day, so when you see them you end up saying something like, “Hey, you..dude…” Yeah you get the point.
He asked me if I wanted to get in the hot tub with him, and I decided ehh, why not? I went upstairs to the bathroom to change into my bikini. The top was a shiny red and my bottoms matched it. I shimmied into it, did a once over in the mirror and wrapped a towel around my waist. When I walked out of the bathroom Landon was standing there with two more beers; one for me and one for him.
I grabbed the one he got for me out of his hand and began sipping on it. We walked back down the stairs and the whole time Landon had his hand on my lower back. Even though the warmth of his hand on my skin felt nice, something was telling me that his hand on my back was wrong; that the whole situation was wrong. I took a few reassuring breaths and shook it out of my head. When we got to the bottom of the stairs the buzz of the second beer hit my brain, and I seemed to relax a bit more.
The hot tub was in a separate room, through some doors next to the living room. The floors were all wet from other people walking around who had already been in the pool and hot tub. Finishing off a second beer I threw it away in the garbage can and took Landon’s hand and stepped one foot into the hot tub. It was so warm.
I went across the hot tub onto the other side and waited for Landon to get in. There were a few other people who were in the hot tub with us, but they didn’t seem to see that we were there. This may have been because they were too busy sucking face. Landon came over and wrapped his arms around my stomach and pulled me up onto his lap. I sat there a little concerned about the situation at hand. I had never been the girl at the party who was seen making out and doing other sexual things, so it was weird.
Trying to find a way to slow everything down I looked at Landon and asked, “Do we have anymore beer?” He didn’t say anything. Instead, he pointed over to a cooler that was next to a box of pool toys. Happily I hopped up from his lap and opened the cooler. Inside there was a lot of drinks. But none of them were just regular beer. I shrugged my shoulders and settled for two Mikes for me and a bottle of Sweet Tea Vodka for him.
I presented the alcohol to Landon but he waved it off. I guess he had already had enough. Before I even had a chance to open up my Mikes, Landon had a hold of my hips and yanked me back in the hot tub. A little aggressive? Yeah. This really set something off in my brain that said DANGER! But the alcohol running through my veins said otherwise. It was like a mixture of thoughts and I was already too tipsy to try and leave.
I settled with sitting on his lap and drinking my Mikes. He was half passed out by the time I finished my drinks. Jokingly I splashed a little water on his face. He woke with a start but laughed. Then for some reason un-known to me I planted a big, fat, wet kiss on his lips. And that was that.
I couldn’t stop myself. It was like I wasn’t even in control of my body. And if someone were to walk through the doors into the pool room they would have seen a bunch of drunken idiots making out in a hot tub. It was quite funny and pathetic if you think about it. All of what I was doing I blame on the alcohol. I wasn’t thinking straight at all. We sat there making out, not caring who walked in. And from this point on my vision became blurry, as did everything I did that night.
Everything was a mixture of blackness and color. Nothing seemed to make any sense. And for some reason I was heading up the stairs. It seemed to take forever to get up them. I kept going in and out of consciousness. I would see a white step and then black, a couple of people behind me on the floor dancing and then black. I was gone as gone could be. The only thought that was going through my mind was that I needed to find Taylor. But every time I tried to turn around and go down the stairs, a soft, warm hand on my back turned me around and we just kept going up, up, and up.
After an eternity I reached the top of the stairs. I collapsed on the ground and lay there for a couple minutes. I was laughing and having a good time. But things were strange. I couldn’t tell where I was or who I was with. The soft carpet nuzzled my face and I wanted to sleep. Just pass out and sleep. But there it was again. The hand. It gripped my arms and pulled me up right to where I was just sitting on my knees. That’s when I saw a face. It was blurry. Blond hair, cute face, and this person was a guy. He looked familiar to me. I lowered my head and blacked out.

I stretched my arms high above my head and felt a feather pillow. “This isn’t my pillow” I thought. My eyes flew open and I sat up fast. My head rushed and I felt really dizzy. I tried to see around me but everything was black. I could hear music coming out from underneath the door right in front of me. It took me a couple of minutes to piece together where I was and what was going on.
That’s when I remember the long walk up the stairs, and that face. I reached across the bed that I was on and was surprised to find that I wasn’t alone. There was someone else in the bed with me. What time is it? I searched my pockets frantically for my phone. I pulled it out of my back pocket and the time said 2:04 a.m. I was only passed out for a few hours.

Slowly I started to slip my legs off the side of the bed, trying to be quiet and not wake up whoever was on the other side of the bed. I was more than sure that we didn’t do anything except make-out because my clothes were still intact. I tried to stand up without making noise but I stumbled and ran into a night stand right next to the bed. That’s when he woke up.
I held my breath and stood still hoping he would roll over and go back to sleep. But he didn’t. He sat up and said, “Hey where are you going?” The tone in his voice sounded more controlling than concerned. I stood there for a minute bracing myself against the night stand until I finally said, “Oh, hey sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you up. I was just going to go back down and find my friend Taylor so we can leave.”
He chuckled very low in his throat and said, “I don’t think so.” This scared me. I ran over to the door and tried to open it but it was locked. Damn! I fumbled with the lock, trying to get the door open. Just when I thought that I had it, he had a hold of my waist and pulled me away from the door. He pushed me onto the bed and I screamed. I kicked in every direction trying to get him to back off. I doubt that anyone heard me scream. The music was so loud downstairs that the people who were still at the party couldn’t even hear themselves talk.
My heart was beating so fast I thought that it was going to explode. Before I knew it he was on top of me pulling at my shirt and pants trying to get them off. I kept fighting him. Hitting and scratching. Even though I thought that no one could hear me I screamed as loud as I could. My adrenaline was pulsing through my body so fast that I didn’t stop moving. I couldn’t stop moving, there was no time. This was a fight or flight situation and I definitely only had one choice.
I couldn’t see more than a foot in front of me because all the lights upstairs were off and all the blinds were shut. But because his face was so close to mine I finally made out who it was; Landon, the boy from the hot tub. I always told myself that I would never get into a situation like this. That something like this would never happen to me. I didn’t prepare myself for getting out of this circumstance. The internal voice inside me was telling me what to do, to not stop until he gave up, to scream and yell until someone came.
I was about to give up. My voice hurt and I was beginning to get tired. The voice inside me was failing. Then I saw a light. It was coming from the hallway outside of the room I was in. I screamed one final scream and someone opened the door. The light flooded through the door and I swear it was like Jesus had stepped into the room.
The pressure from Landon’s body disappeared as whoever came into the room ripped him off of me and slammed him into the wall. Then there was an eerie silence, and all I could hear was a voice saying, “Get the hell out of this house before I make you regret ever coming here.” Landon didn’t argue. He put up his hands as if to say he was innocent. My savior pushed Landon out the door and turned around to face me.
I was still laying on the bed in shock. I couldn’t talk. I didn’t know what to say. Then the mystery man walk towards me and said in a reassuring voice, “Don’t worry, he is gone. He isn’t coming back. I promise.” That’s when I recognized the voice. It was Kevin. He had saved me from being raped. Then I started to cry. He hurried over to me and lay down next to me with his arms around me and pulled me close to him. I was shaking so bad that I was probably making him shake from trying to hold me still.
I buried my face into his chest and closed me eyes. I breathed slowly trying to catch my breath and calm myself down. Kevin began patting and rubbing my back trying to comfort me, and for some reason I liked it; having him laying next to me, and feeling his arms around me. I didn’t understand how I could like him so much for only knowing him for a short amount of time. It seemed crazy.
When I could finally talk I turned towards Kevin and said, “I don’t know what would have happened if you didn’t come through that door. You just saved me from years of group therapy sessions and an expensive shrink. Thank you, so much.” Kevin laughed a big hearty laugh and said, “Even in a time as serious as this, you still find a way to bring some humor into it.”
I guess what he said is true. I am a pretty optimistic person. Despite me being able to joke around about what had just happened, I was still dazed and all I wanted to do was go back to Taylor’s house and sleep. Kevin helped me up from the bed and looked at me and said, “Are you sure you are ready to go back downstairs? We can stay up here a little longer so you can calm down a little bit more.” I found it sweet that he was so concerned about me. I didn’t answer his question about going back downstairs. All I said was, “Just turn on the lights please.”
Kevin walked over to the light switch and did as I asked. There was a mirror hanging on the wall and I walked over to it. My reflection was horrible. Mascara and eyeliner were running down my face in big long streaks and my hair was tangled on top of my head. Kevin was right. It probably would be a good idea to stay up in the room a little bit longer to calm the rest of the way down.
I began to wipe at my face trying to clean off my make-up, but none of it was coming off. I wanted so desperately for that night to be over. I threw my arms down and started to cry again. I was tired, distraught and still being at this party was too much for me. Kevin came up behind me and put his arms around me. I turned around so my face was in his shoulder and cried. He stood there and took all that I gave. He didn’t budge. Even after I was crying for a good two minutes he stood there with his arms around me.
He grabbed my chin and made me look in his eyes. I was speechless. They were the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. I started to blush and I had to avert my attention somewhere else before my face got too red. Kevin then said, “Do your parents know you are here? Or are you supposed to be staying at a friend’s house?
“I’m supposed to stay the night at my best friend Taylor’s house but I can’t find her.” I replied.
“Well why don’t you come and stay at my house? I am sure my dad won’t mind after what just happened to you.”
Before I made my decision I said, “Will you at least call Taylor and leave her a message?” Kevin pulled out his phone and dialed the number I told him to. She didn’t answer and I didn’t feel like looking for her. Kevin again asked if I wanted to stay with him.
This question was surprising. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to leave with him. I thought about it and decided that staying at his house would be weird but it was a lot better than having to wait here at this party for Taylor. I nodded my head “yes” and he squeezed me with his arms and said, “Okay, lets blow this popsicle stand.”
There was only one way down to the door and that was by walking back downstairs. This meant that I would have to show my face in front of all the people that were still there and have the possibility of having to explain about my make-up and hair. But I wanted to leave, so Kevin and I walked down the stairs in a hurry. No one saw us exit the house because most of them were either passed out on the floor or making out in the other room.
This was a relief. We left the house without being interrogated by anyone. Thank God. We started to walk down the street and I realized that Kevin must have walked here from his house because we walked passed all of the cars that were parked along the road until we got to the main street. It was freezing outside and I had my hands in my pockets. This night seemed to be the worst night of my life. Kevin could tell that I was miserable and cold so he took off his big jacket and put it around my shoulders.
I smiled and said, “Thank you, for everything. You are like my knight in shinning armor.” I laughed at this line. It was really cheesy, but it was the truth. After that I then said, “Why were you at that party anyway? Isn’t this like your second day here?”
Kevin huffed and said, “Sorry to bring it up again, but that guy that was in the room with you was the one who invited me to the party. Today at school he randomly came over to me and asked if I wanted to go. I took this as an opportunity to maybe meet some people and make some new friends.”
I nodded my head and said, “What an idiot. I bet he didn’t think that you were the one who would be kicking him out of the party tonight.”
This made Kevin laugh and he said, “You are really something else. You know that?”

“That sounds like something my grandpa would tell me.” I said with a smirk.
“Well whatever, it’s the truth! And I know you are probably going to think I am crazy, but ever since yesterday, after meeting you I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I don’t mean to freak you out, and please stop me if I am. But I really like you.”
I took in all of his words and thought. He must have been feeling the same thing I was. But I didn’t want to admit that I felt the same way. I don’t like expressing my feelings, especially when it comes to guys. We walked a little longer in silence until I finally said, “Okay, usually I don’t ever say what I’m feeling. But I feel the same way that you feel. Yeah, it is crazy and it is weird. But I think that I like it.” He reached into the coat I was wearing, grabbed my hand and we walked the rest of the way to his house under a starry sky with no clouds in sight.

We rounded the corner into our neighborhood and the reality of what I was about to do finally set in. I was going to be sleeping in the same house as Kevin. I began to worry and kept asking Kevin if it was a good idea for me to stay. I was so concerned about what his dad would think about me. He would see tight jeans, low cut shirt, screwed up hair and my make-up down my face.
Every time I asked if he was sure it was okay Kevin always said the same thing, “Calm down. I promise that he won’t mind.” After about the fifth time of him telling that to me I told myself that I should stop worrying so much and just go with the flow. But still. It was difficult.
We went up the front steps of his house and walked inside. All the lights were off and everything was quiet. I assumed that his dad was in bed because it was almost four in the morning. With my hand still in Kevin’s, he led me upstairs to where his room was. The whole time being with him was relaxing. The way he walked, the way he talked, just everything about him made me relax. It was like I could trust him with anything.
We got to his room and he turned on the light and closed his door. There were a bunch of random posters of different bands and stuff on his walls plus a couple of so called hot babe cutouts hanging from the door. Typical guys room, right? Kevin pulled open a dresser drawer and threw a somewhat large shirt in my direction.
“Am I supposed to wear this?” I asked.
“Well it’s either that or you wear what you came in. My bet is that my shirt is way more comfortable to sleep in that what you have on” said Kevin.
“This is not going to cover all of me. I may be small but I’m not THAT small. Do you have some shorts I could wear too?”
I couldn’t believe that I was actually doing this; me in a room with a boy wearing his clothes to bed. It was like something you would see in a movie. He then rummaged around in his drawers a little while longer and eventually pulled out some black basketball shorts. I inspected them and decided they would fit.
Kevin was just standing there once he threw the clothes over to me, looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something. What I said probably wasn’t what he was looking for though. I told him to turn around so I could change in peace. I ripped off my party clothes, glad to finally have them off and threw on his clothes. The smelled wonderful. Yes, I know. That is probably strange to smell his clothes but I couldn’t miss it.
It was the smell of dryer sheets; soft and delicious. When I was done being a weirdo and smelling his clothes I told Kevin that I was done changing and it was safe for him to turn around. He did and then said, “Now it’s your turn. I had to turn around for you now you have to turn around for me.”
I threw my head back and sighed. But it was a playful sigh. I slowly circled and put my back towards Kevin, then waited for the go-ahead to turn back around. When he was finished he said, “Okay! Done! Now, let’s sleep!” He jumped from where he was standing at the end of his bed and landed on his stomach. It was the funniest thing that I saw that night.
Laughing out loud I stood there for a second not sure of if I should get in the bed with him. When he didn’t move from where he was all sprawled out on the bed I cleared my throat and asked, “So, am I sleeping on the ground or down on the couch? How is this whole shindig going down?”
Kevin then said, “Well I guess it’s up to you. I mean I’m not going to make you sleep next to me if you don’t want to. You can sleep where ever you want.” After he said that he just laid there and waited for me to make up my mind. I really wanted to sleep next to him instead of downstairs by myself. I went against my better judgment and finally turned off the light and crawled into bed with Kevin lying right next to me.
Kevin scooted over that way I would have plenty room to sleep. He was such a gentleman. But I felt weird just laying there in his bed staring at the ceiling. I kept tossing and turning and after ten minutes of that Kevin finally turned over and said, “Are you okay? For being as tired as you look you aren’t doing much sleeping.”
I sighed and said, “I can’t get comfortable.” Kevin moved closer to me after I said that and put his arms around me. Again I thought that it was so strange how okay I was with him even though I didn’t know him very well. Feeling his arms around me made my heart beat fast and my stomach turn. But it wasn’t the kind of feeling in my stomach that was sickening. My body melted into his and I was asleep within seconds. It was pure bliss.
I woke up to the sound of the shower going in the other room. I searched his room for a clock but I couldn’t find one. Damn! I rolled over to see if Kevin was still asleep but to my surprise he was gone. The opening of the door scared me but I was relieved to see Kevin walking in with a towel on his head. Yes, I know. A towel. This made me laugh.
He flipped it off of his head and said in a French type of voice, “Ahhhh so we like ay?” I clapped and whistled. He sort of danced around the room a little bit running his fingers through his hair every once in a while. It was utterly ridiculous, but very charming.
I couldn’t believe what was going on. I honestly thought at that time and place that I was truly falling for him. I had only heard of stuff like that in movies and books and such and to think that it could be real, and could be happening to me was pretty much not believable.
After his funny dance scene in the bedroom he led me down to the kitchen where his dad was making breakfast. His dad was a tall, mostly bald guy probably in his late 30’s. When his dad turned around and acknowledged that I was there, Kevin did the talking.
“Hey dad, this is Kayanna. She lives a couple of houses down. Kayanna this is my dad, Steve.” I nodded my head appropriately and his dad did the same. He didn’t seem very thrilled that I was there.
This fact worried me. He probably thought I was some hooker who came home with his son because I was too drunk to know where I was. Although part of this may be true, I am no hooker. His dad was making breakfast and the smell of it immediately nauseated me. I felt like throwing up. For how much I drank the night before I was surprised that I was only half hung-over.
Kevin had to practically force feed me. I sat at the kitchen table just eyeballing my food not wanting any of it and Kevin literally picked up my fork, sliced my pancake for me and shoved it in my face. I had no choice but to open my mouth. Not gonna lie, it was a good pancake but I had to swallow the vomit in my throat after taking a bite of it.
Kevin finally realized that force feeding me probably wasn’t the best idea, so he stopped. While waiting for him to finish his breakfast I was beginning to feel weird not knowing anything about him. All I knew was his name and that he just recently moved here. I sat back in the kitchen chair and watched Kevin eat.
When he was done he put both of our plates in the sink and sat back down at the table. I looked at him and said, “I think that I should get going. My mom is probably beginning to worry about me.” Although this was a lie, I said it anyway. My mom probably didn’t even give a s*** about where I was, but I needed a reason to leave.
He gave me a sideways glance and said, “But, I don’t want you to leave. Just stay a little bit longer. Okay?” His smile softened me up so I decided that staying an hour longer wouldn’t hurt. Plus I could use this time to get to know Kevin more. I rolled my eyes and said in a dramatic voice, “Fine, if I have to.” He got up from the table and motioned me to follow him. We went back to his room and I jumped on his bed.
“So, Kevin. I feel very strange after staying here last night and not knowing much about you. Care to elaborate about yourself?” He looked at me like I was weird. That probably wasn’t a question he was expecting anytime soon, but I thought that I should get to know him better before I let my heart runaway with my body.
He cleared his throat and began speaking. “I was born on November 15th 1992 in Portland, Oregon to two loving parents. I lived there for 17 years and then this year I moved here.” He paused and looked at me.
“That’s it?” I asked.
“Well what more do you want?” he said.
“I said elaborate.” I fired back.
“Why do I have to tell you about myself first?” He said. He seemed to be getting annoyed that I wanted to know more about him. Usually, I was the kind of person that didn’t push the issue and would have just left the conversation where it was and move on. But I liked him a lot, and I could tell there was something he wasn’t telling me.
“Fine, you want to know about me?” I said.
“I’ll tell you. I have lived here all my life. I was born on October 17th 1992. My dad left when I was fifteen. My mom is a drug addict and I pretend not to care.” I was pretty much yelling at Kevin. It made me mad that he was being stingy about opening up to me. Ever since meeting him I was pretty much myself and felt like I was putting myself out there. I mean after all I did cry on his shoulder, came home to his house and slept in the same bed as him. It was only fair for him to show me the courtesy of being just a little bit honest about his life.
I basically told him all of that, and when I finished he threw himself on the bed and huffed. I could tell that he was formulating what he was going to tell me. This took the edge off of my anger and calmed me down just a little bit.
He sat up and said, “Do you want me to start over? Or can I continue on where I left off?” I found it funny that he was asking me how to tell me about himself. I smiled and said, “Well, it is your life. You can tell it how you want, or if you must don’t tell me anything. I don’t want to force you into opening up if you aren’t comfortable with it.” He nodded and then began his dialogue over.
“I was born on November 15th 1992 in Portland, Oregon to two loving parents. I lived there for 17 years and then this year I moved here, but I no longer live with my mom. A bunch of stuff went down at my old house between my parents. I caught my mom cheating on my dad with my fifty year-old math teacher. How gross is that? She begged me not to tell my dad, and I almost didn’t because he was always getting drunk at bars and stuff. I was really close to my mom. She was pretty much a single mom, except she was married to my lame ass dad. I decided to tell my dad, not because I thought that he deserved to know, but because it was the right thing to do.” He paused and looked at me. I nodded my head for him to keep talking. I was all ears.
“As soon as my mom found out that I told my dad she basically disowned me. She screamed at me and pulled a huge guilt trip. It was something along the lines of how she spent all of her time raising me and how my dad never did anything for me except be drunk. She kept trying to justify what she did by pulling my dad into the whole thing and trying to focus everything back on him. But I wasn’t falling for it. It hurt me to see my mom so mad at me. But no one deserves to be cheated on. My parents signed the divorce papers a month later. This left me in a weird position, I wanted to stay with my mom, but she hated my guts for telling my dad. I finally chose to live with my dad when he began to pack his stuff to leave. My mom didn’t even show that she cared that I left. She didn’t even say bye to me. And my dad, well he wasn’t thrilled that I was going with him, but he couldn’t tell me no. My dad and I have an agreement that if he doesn’t interfere with my life, then I wont interfere with his. That I is why I can pretty much do anything that I want, like have you stay here.”
He finished his story with a shoulder shrug. I said, “That was much better. Thank you.” I didn’t know what else to say. He looked deep in thought and there were visible stress lines on his forehead. I started to talk about my mom, trying to get his attention off of what he had told me. I went through the whole process that I went through with Taylor. Talking about my birthday party, and how my mom locked herself in her room.
Then I began to talk about how she was on drugs and how I didn’t know what to do. It was almost an exact repeat of the night that I stayed at Taylor’s house and talked about my mom. The same images and memories popped up into my head, and the same empty feeling of not knowing what happened to my dad crept back into my heart. Kevin looked so intense listening to my story. He had his jaw clenched and his eyes were directly looking into mine.
When I finished my story he asked, “So your mom is still on drugs right now? Like as we speak she is high?” I nodded my head “yes”. And then he said, “And I thought my life was bad. You haven’t admitted her to rehab yet?”
I sighed and said, “I want to. And Taylor also thought that it would be a good idea. But how can I live without her? She is the one making money and taking care of me. I couldn’t do something like that to her.”
Kevin grabbed my hands and looked me directly in the eyes. “You have to do something. You have waited long enough for your mom to get her life back, and obviously she hasn’t made any progress. Look, I’ll help you get her to a rehab center. We can even have Taylor come with us.” The look on his face was so urgent and convincing that I reached for the phone sitting on his nightstand, dialed Taylor’s cell and told her the plan. I pulled Kevin off the bed and said, “If we are going to do this, we need to do it now before I changed my mind. Let’s go to my house and get this over with.”

It was basically noon when we left Kevin’s house. Kevin didn’t really tell his dad what was going on. I don’t think he was even sure himself what was going on. All he said to his dad when we were walking out the door was, “We are off to save the world. Be back before dinner.” His dad gave him a this-guy-right-here-is-not-my-son type of look. The whole walk to my house my heart was in my throat. I felt like I was suffocating and was going to pass out any second. I had no idea how we were going to pull it off. I didn’t even know where there was a rehab center. All of the confidence that I had (which was basically none) was behind the idea that Kevin seemed to know what to do. He was the leader and I was the follower. I kept dragging my feet all the way there trying to take a long time to get to my house. It was like I was headed towards a disaster but I couldn’t stop gravitating in that direction. I was feeling helpless and scared, but once I saw how determined Kevin looked I took a deep breath and tried to ignore those feelings. He looked like the kind of guy who always had a plan ready no matter what kind of situation he was in. This was a huge comfort. We rounded the last corner to where my house was. The road seemed to stretch on for miles and it felt like it took an hour just to get to my back steps. Kevin and I marched up the back steps to my house, opened the screen door and turned the knob. It didn’t budge. The door was locked and I had no spare key. The only way to get into my house then was to climb up onto the roof and go in my window that way. Silently I muttered, “S***.” And Kevin put his hand on my lower back. I was so stressed out that I bet he could feel it radiating off of my skin. I motioned for him to follow me around to the back of my house where a ladder was waiting for me. We climbed the stairs in the back that led up to the patio and there was the ladder. I braced it against the house and started to ascend it. Kevin held the ladder at the bottom that way I wouldn’t accidentally slip and fall off of it. I reached the top of the ladder, but still had to fling my leg up pretty high to actually get onto the roof. I was trying to be as quiet as I could because I didn’t know if my mom was home and if she was I didn’t want her to know that I was home. When I got all of myself off of the ladder and on to the roof I whispered to Kevin that I would unlock the back door for him and told him to wait at the top of the stairs. It was funny and stupid that I had to sneak into my own house because I was afraid of my mother. Ridiculous. I shimmied around to the side of the house where my window to my room was. I opened the window with a slide of my hand and put one foot in first. When I felt the ground I clung to the roof and swung my other leg in. I got inside the window and closed it behind me. There was no sound in the house so I assumed that my mom was at work. Sneaking across my room I came to the top of the stairs and walked down them as quiet as I could. I didn’t make a sound and rounded into the living room. My mom was at her usual position on the couch all sprawled out. I froze where I was and did a double take. Her color was drained from her face and there was vomit on the floor. S***. Something was wrong, really wrong. I ran to the front door and flung it open. Kevin was about to say something but I cut him off and said, “We need to call 911 now!” His facial expression turned to horror as he ran into the living room and reached for the phone. I sat my mom up using all of the strength that I had trying to get her to wake up. Nothing was happening. I began to panic thinking that maybe she choked on her puke or something. While I was trying to revive my mom, Kevin was on line with the paramedics or whoever ran the other side of the emergency line telling them what was going on. He shut off the phone and ran over to me and told me that they would be here within two minutes. “Two minutes!?” I yelled. Kevin grabbed my shoulders and looked me in the eyes and said, “Yes, two minutes. Kayanna you need to be calm. Help is on the way.” He pulled me into a hug and less than a minute later I could hear sirens in the distance. Everything that happened next was a blur. The paramedics ran in with a stretcher and some weird medical instruments. They put a breathing mask on my mom and even then she didn’t move. The strong guys pulled my mom up onto the stretcher and strapped her down just in case. They came in with the same speed that they left. It went by fast and all I remember was a lot of guys in uniforms running around. Of course along with the ambulance came a police car so I was questioned when they took my mom away. I told them everything; even the part about my mom hitting me. Kevin was right; it was time for someone to know what was going on in this household. While I was answering questions Kevin was on the phone with his dad and telling what happened. After the police questioned me Kevin came over and told me that his dad was on his way and was going to take us to the hospital to check up on my mom. I didn’t know how serious the situation was or not. No one told me. All they did was fetch my mom and leave. I was praying the whole time that maybe she was just sick and fell asleep. But something in my gut told me otherwise. Kevin’s dad arrived in a blue Toyota and honked the horn twice outside of my house. I ran out the front door with Kevin trailing not far behind me. I jumped in the back, crossed my arms, closed my eyes and tried to get my breathing back to normal. It was a fifteen minute drive from my house to the hospital where my mom was going to be. I was hoping that by the time we got there everything (whatever it was) that was going on with my mom would be figured out. Kevin’s dad didn’t race to the hospital but he wasn’t going under the speed limit. It made sense to not speed to hospital since we could get pulled over and make the time it takes to get there a lot longer than what it needed to be. We pulled into the visitor side of the hospital and parked. I got out of the car and didn’t even wait for Kevin or his dad to follow me. I was in the door talking to the lady behind the desk before Kevin even had the car door shut. The lady behind the desk had a name tag on and it read “Martha.” When I began asking her questions about where my mom was and when I could see her and if she was okay, all she did was sigh and give me a sympathetic look. She began to speak and answer my questions but I wasn’t distracted by the answers, I was distracted because of her voice. I thought to myself that I could have sworn I had heard her voice one time before. That’s when it hit me. She was the person who called my mom two years ago from the hospital. My knees buckled under my legs and I fell to the ground knocking myself unconscious. I was dreaming. We were back at my mom’s house and it was a summer day. I was wearing this white summer dress that had pretty little flowers all over it. Kevin was there and so was his dad. My mom was outside cooking something on the barbeque. She looked well. There was a flush to her cheeks and she was wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. Everything seemed to be okay. The grass in the backyard was greener than I had ever seen it and the air smelled of ripe fruit and sunscreen. It seemed so real. I could feel the breeze blowing my hair in every direction and sending a little chill up my spine. Kevin came up behind me, kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes to savor the moment. When I woke up from being unconscious the first thing that came to my mind was that there was no way this was the same lady that had talked to my mom. It was just a woman who sounded like the one I talked to on the phone. The feeling deep inside my soul said otherwise. It was telling me that it could be possible and that it is okay to believe the unbelievable at times. This week was just blowing my mind. It had only been three days and the events that had happened seemed like they would take years. I swear from all the crap that I had undergone in the last couple of days I would have permanent stress lines on my forehead. I was lying in a little bed and the first person that I saw was Kevin. He had his head in his hands and was staring at the ground. I shifted in my bed and tried to sit up. At this, Kevin lifted his head and smiled at me. He stood up and started to walk towards me. “Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked. “I’m fine. Where is my mom? What’s wrong with her?” I said back. Kevin averted his eyes and ignored my question. This frightened me. I swallowed hard and repeated my question. Kevin still didn’t answer me. I threw my legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand up. I stumbled a little but managed to get on my feet. I began to walk towards the door but Kevin stopped me. “Kayanna, your mom took the wrong pain pills. The doctor said that we were lucky we called when we did because she would have been dead if we didn’t. They are draining her system and trying to get some nutrients into her body.” Kevin explained. “When is she coming home?” I wailed. “The doctor says that he doesn’t know when she can come home.” He said. I pushed passed Kevin and left the room that I was in. I again walked up to the front desk and asked the same girl where my mom was. She told me the room number and I slowly made my way to her room. I braced myself for the worst before entering but to my surprise all that my mom had in her was a couple of tubes that I assume were being used for giving her some nutrients. I approached my mom and sat down in a chair next to her bed. She was asleep but she looked a lot better than what she did when I found her. There was some color back in her face and she didn’t look so sick. I scooted closer to my mom and rested my head right next to her. I was almost fully asleep when I heard a shuffle of feet behind me. I expected it to be Kevin but when I looked up it was Martha from the front desk. She gave me a quivery smile and said, “I know you probably don’t know me, but I recognized the last name when you asked for your mom, and you may not want to talk about this right now so please stop me if I offend you but I was the one who called your house to talk to your mom about…” she paused and then I said, “I know. I recognized your voice from the telephone. Look, I have been through a hell of a lot these last three days and even last couple of years. When you called s*** hit the fan and my mom went down the drain. I still don’t even know what happened and to this day my mom won’t talk to me about it, so I am sorry if I seem rude but I need to sleep.” I lay my head back down and Martha shuffled back out of the room to leave me in peace.

My nap was quick but good. I woke up to Kevin shaking my shoulder and telling me that he brought me some food to eat because I hadn’t had anything all day except for what he force fed me that morning. He handed me a hospital muffin (chocolate chip) and a juice box.
I lifted my head from the bed and started to un-wrap the muffin. The plastic came off easily and I watched little crumbs hit the ground as I crumpled up the garbage. My stomach was already making noises before I even got the muffin in my mouth. The first bite was delicious and
Kevin pulled a chair up next to me and said, “My dad already left but he says that whenever we are ready to leave we can call him and he will come get us. I told him that you would probably be ready to go home when you woke up.” On the inside I really wanted to stay with my mom and wait for her to wake up.
I peered over the side of the hospital bed and looked at my mom again. She looked somewhat happy with a small, resting smile on her face. This settled the nerves inside me and I told myself right then and there that my mom would be fine and that this was the turning point of our relationship. I would work extra hard to help my mom recover from the drug use and make it impossible for her to get her hands on it again.
This was a long goal to reach from where I was with my mom at that moment, but anything is possible if you believe hard enough and try hard enough. I took in a breath and set my mind to this goal. I would do anything to make it work. I stood up out of the chair and pushed it aside. Kevin put his arm around my shoulder and we headed out the door.
We passed by the front desk yet again and Martha was still there sorting some paperwork into a file. Kevin got her attention and asked to borrow her phone so he could call his dad and have him come get us. I didn’t say anything to her because I still felt bad for how mean I was to her earlier. Kevin finished talking to his dad and grabbed my hand as we went outside. Martha looked up as we left and I looked back and gave her a small smile as if to say, “I’m sorry.” She nodded her head towards me and I took that as her forgiving me for being rude to her earlier.
We sat on a bench outside of the hospital and waited for Kevin’s dad to show up. While we were out there Kevin asked, “Since your mom is in the hospital and everything, would you like to stay with my dad and I? You know, that way you can get back and forth to see her and all that.” I looked at him with a blank expression. In my head I was thinking that for one we weren’t officially dating yet and he was asking me to stay at his house! And to top it all off we were sleeping in the same bed but we haven’t even kissed yet.
Out of nowhere I blurted out, “I find it funny that you want me to stay at your house and we aren’t even dating. So will you be my boyfriend?” This not only caught him off guard but me too. Sometimes I say things that I wish I had only thought and I call this phenomenon “word vomit.” Kevin seemed pleased with the question and scooted closer to me. He grabbed my chin in one smooth gesture and turned it to him. He placed a soft, warm kiss on my lips and I smiled when he did this. “I assume that is a yes?” I said, feeling all twitter pated. He didn’t answer me but instead pulled me in for another kiss.
Throughout all of the shenanigans that I had been through that day, his kiss made it all seem so little and not as threatening. We spent a couple more minutes waiting on the bench outside of the hospital for Kevin’s dad to pick us up. When his dad pulled around the corner we both got up and held hands to the car. Kevin opened the door for me and I said to him, “And yes. I would love to stay at your house.” I sat down, buckled my seatbelt and he closed the door.
We pulled into the driveway of his house about fifteen minutes later and just as I was getting out of the car I realized that I needed to go to my house to get some clothes for the night that way I didn’t have to wear any of Kevin’s. Not to mention I hadn’t showered since the party and still wreaked of alcohol, it would be a good idea to go home again shower, and grab some things for staying at Kevin’s house.
I turned towards Kevin and said, “I need to go to my house to shower and grab some clothes for the night. Do you want to walk with me?” He nodded his head “yes” and we began to walk down the street to my house. We didn’t say much because we both had a long day. It was nice to be able to be outside and breathe in the fresh air and we both were taking in the view.
It was close to seven at night and the sun had begun to set. Everything outside was crisp and cold. It was the beginning of winter so everything was all frosty. We crossed the street to my house and that’s when I saw Taylor. She was banging on my front door and she seemed pretty pissed off that no one was coming to the front.
I walked up behind her and said, “Are you looking for me?”
“Lord Almighty! You just made me pee a little.” She said.
“What are you doing here?”
“Well I couldn’t find you after the party when I woke up so I started to freak out! I tried to look for you but I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
“About that…Kevin took me home and I stayed with him. Oh and I think my mom overdosed on drugs and we had to take her to the hospital. They don’t know when she will be able to come home. At least that is what Kevin told me.”
Taylor looked at me with her jaw pretty much touching the ground and she stood there for a minute trying to fathom what I had just told her. Once she got a hold of her nerves she said,
“Damn girl! I am so sorry! If I would have known all of this was going on I would have tried harder to find you or something!”
“Yeah it has been a pretty interesting couple of days. But I find this as an opportunity to help my mom stay off drugs. She is getting drained of all of the toxins and the doctor is putting nutrients into her body so if we can keep drugs out of her reach and sign her up for some classes, we should be good to go as far as the drugs goes.” I said.
Taylor nodded and then said, “Well I’m glad to know all of this! Give me a hug and I’ll leave you and your man alone.” I did as she asked and she gave me one of those famous Taylor hugs, the one where she squeezes you really tight so you can’t breathe type of hug. They are the best.
Kevin and I went into my house and I quickly walked passed the living room and went up the stairs to my room. Kevin followed me all the way upstairs and came into my room with me. I started to pack my clothes for the night and Kevin said, “You can take a shower at my house if you want. That way you aren’t outside with your hair being wet.”
He was so caring! I smiled and said, “That makes sense. Thanks” I threw some pajamas into a bag and grabbed my girly stuff (tooth brush, hair brush etc.) out of the bathroom and threw it in my bag also. Kevin and I then began our walk back to his house in the cold outside air.
We got back to his house a couple minutes later and as soon as we came inside I saw his dad sitting on the couch. I felt like I should say something about him letting me stay, but then again I wasn’t sure if he was the one who made the decision about me staying. It could have all be up to Kevin. I decided not to say anything and went upstairs to take a shower.
It was weird taking a shower in someone else’s bathroom, but at least I got to shower. The water was so warm and it felt reviving against my skin. It took me a good twenty minutes to finish showering and after I was done I really wanted to go to bed. I had yet another long day.
With my pajamas on I walked into Kevin’s room which was right around the corner from the bathroom and was expecting him to be in there. Unfortunately he wasn’t in there and then I heard his voice coming from downstairs. I walked down the stairs and into the living room where he and his dad were watching Criminal Minds. My favorite show!
I plopped down on the couch on the opposite of where he and his dad were. They both looked at each other and then laughed simultaneously. I must have looked puzzled because Kevin’s dad said, “We won’t bite. You don’t have to sit all the way over there.”
With a small smile I shrugged my shoulders. I guess I was being shy because I wasn’t sure how Kevin’s dad felt about me. This was the first time that I had seen him smile and that was sort of a relief. I scooted closer to them, crossed my legs and watched the rest of the Criminal Minds episode.
Even though I love watching those types of shows, every time it freaks me out. There are so many different cases and murders that I start to think about how easy it would be for someone to sneak in and do God knows what to all of us. This thought gave me the shivers. Kevin’s dad saw me shake a little bit and asked, “Are you okay? We can change the channel if this grosses you out.”
I looked at him and said, “No it’s fine. I love this show, but every time I watch it I always freak myself out.”
“You don’t have to worry about any creepy creeps out there who think they can get into this house. You are safe with us.” His dad said.
I was so happy that his dad was finally warming up to me. It made me feel a lot better about staying at the house and also dating his son. You can’t have a relationship without the parents approval…it just isn’t possible.
We watched a few more episodes of Criminal Minds and around ten the last one ended and I felt like my eyes were going to fall out of my face. I was exhausted. Kevin saw me trying to bat away the sleepies and asked, “Are you ready to go to bed? I am pretty tired too and I can tell you are about to fall asleep.”
“Yeah, my eyes will not stay open without some sort of assistance. I think it would be a good idea to sleep now.”
Kevin grabbed my hand and pulled me up off of the couch. We climb the stairs to his room and opened the door. His bed looked like Heaven. I shuffled over to the side of the bed that I slept on before and belly flopped onto it. He turned off the light and basically did the same thing I did, but his belly flop was considerably bigger than mine. I cuddled up next to him in a little ball. It probably looked like something a little kitten would do next to a warm fire. When I was comfortable enough to sleep my last thought was, “Whatever tomorrow brings I can defeat the bad and find the good.” It was the perfect thought to end the night with.

I was woken up my Kevin’s dad bursting in the door and saying, “Get up! The hospital called this morning and your mom wants to see you!” I rolled over and thought that today was the day that I would confront my mom about everything and hopefully get some answers
I flew out of bed, threw on some day clothes and bolted down the stairs. Kevin and his dad had to sprint to catch up with me. In my head I kept thinking that today was the day that my life would change for the good. This was a much needed turning point.
Kevin’s dad peeled out of the driveway and speed down the road. He couldn’t get to the hospital fast enough for me. I was bouncing in my seat and pretty much did a dive-roll out of the car when he pulled into a parking space. Kevin and his dad were amused by all of this. I must say I was acting a bit out of the normal.
I rushed into the hospital and was met by a different receptionist instead of the Martha girl that I had seen the night before. She pointed in the direction of my mother’s room and I tried to slow my running down to a speed walk that way the people who saw me in the hallways didn’t think I was some freak. Before stepping into the room I stood outside the closed door and breathed in deeply. I tried clearing my mind and putting all of my hopes aside and bringing them down to a more realistic situation.
The wooden door creaked and I stepped in with caution. I walked around the corner and there she was. My mother was still hooked up to the machine that was giving her water and stuff, but this time her eyes were open and she was watching and episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos. I took one last deep breath preparing myself for the conversation I was about to have with my mother.
I took an unsure step towards her and she turned her head to look at me. I gave her a small smile and she said in a soft voice, “Hey Kay. Come and sit by me.” I yet again pulled a chair up next to her bed and propped my head up in my hands. She took her hand and ran it through my hair. That’s when I saw a few tears drop from her eyes and hit the white sheets of the bed. Those tears loosened up my emotions. I couldn’t stand holding back how I felt about the whole situation and I just cracked.
I jumped up from the chair and wrapped my arms around my mother. I said to her, “I thought that I was never going to get you back. I mean I always had you. But not the you, you. You know?” She hugged me tighter and said, “Sweetheart this is all my fault and I promise something like this will never happen again.”
I sat back and said, “I am so sorry that I didn’t try harder to get you off those drugs mom. I knew you were taking them and everything I just didn’t know where to start. I was afraid if I asked for help that they would take me from you and I would never see you again.” Although this moment was happy, I still felt sadness inside for everything. My mother and I still had not been able to talk about why she really jumped off the deep end in the first place. I was afraid to ask about my father’s death because of my mom’s fragile state.
Thankfully my mom took in upon herself to tackle the biggest monster and finally put it out of its misery. She sighed and said, “I know that from the beginning of this I chose to do all the wrong things. I didn’t do what I should have done in the first place which was talk to you about what happened with your dad.” She choked on the last word, wiped away a few stray tears and continued.
“I wanted to tell you about it but I didn’t know how you would handle all of it when I could barely handle it myself. Not telling you and explaining to you was probably the worst decision I have ever made. I want to take this time while I am feeling well enough and if you are ready, to talk about your dad.”
Grabbing her other hand and said, “Mom, I have been ready since day one. Spill the beans and let’s get this over with so we can move on.” She nodded and began again, “Remember how about a month before your 15th birthday he was in Hawaii for a business trip? Well it turns out he wasn’t just there for work. He was having an affair with a woman he had met there.”
This shocked me. I was right about him having an affair, all the clues where there when I was thinking about it. When he came home the week before my birthday I snooped in his suitcase and found a couple pictures of him with another woman. They weren’t sexual though. They were simple, like him and the girl at some dinner party. But even if he was having an affair why did the hospital call?
I stopped my mom from talking and said, “Then why did the hospital call?! I don’t understand mom. What happened that day?” She breathed in and said, “Kayanna, Your dad is fine. I found out about the affair a few days before your birthday. That is why your dad left again. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want you to see us fighting and not acting the same way towards me. The hospital called not because of your father, but because of me.”
I sat back and said exasperated, “What? Then if you knew about dad and his affair why did you abandon me? Why did you leave me to be by myself?” I was beginning to get even more mad because I had no idea what was going on. I kept going, “You started to take drugs mom, you started to smoke a lot of weed. What made you do all of that?”
She burst into tears and said in between sobs, “I have..Lord. Kayanna… the doctors called because I have cancer. I took all of those drugs and smoked all of the medical marijuana to try and ease the pain. They told me that if I came in and did chemotherapy they might be able to kill the cancer cells, but it would also have a larger impact on my body. They gave me an alternate option which was to take pills to kill the pain and slow down the cancer so I would have longer to live. I didn’t know how to react to all of the news so I became addicted to my prescription medication and the marijuana. Yesterday when you came home and saw me, I didn’t take the medicine that I was supposed to so I got really sick and passed out. I didn’t overdose on the medication. It is the cancer.”
I threw my hands in the air and said, “Tell me you are joking mom. This isn’t real. I … I am having a bad dream. Hurry mom pinch me before it gets any worse. I need to wake up.” I started to cry uncontrollably. I lay on my mom and squeezed her little body. I was going to lay there forever and hold her. God wouldn’t take her from me if I had her in my arms would he? He wouldn’t do this to me.
My mother squeezed me back and said, “There is nothing we can do about it now. The doctors are making me as comfortable as possible before I…”
I cut her off, “Don’t say it mom. You are going to be fine.” I didn’t want to believe her. I couldn’t believe her. This was all a joke, a joke within a dream. She began talking again, “Kayanna it hurts me just as much to tell you this way. This wasn’t in my plan. I am asking you right now to be strong and grasp the truth. I don’t know how much longer I am going to have and based off of yesterday things seem to be slowing down for me rapidly.” I felt sick.
“How can you talk like this? How can you be so okay with this entire thing?! I am sitting here freaking out and you seem to be able to accept all of it. I am scared for you mom. I don’t want you to leave me. Where will I go? Our family doesn’t exist mom. It is just me and you.”

She shook her head and said, “You are wrong about that. You still have a father.” I scoffed and said, “You can’t make me live with my father. He abandoned me and you mom. Obviously he didn’t want any of this, so he doesn’t deserve to get me.” I couldn’t believe what was going on. My mother was about to die from cancer and she wanted me to live with my father who left when I was 15. What a joke.
I continued to hold my mom and just breathe her in. She didn’t seem scared. We lay there for a few minutes not saying anything. When I realized that my mom was sleeping, I slid off of the bed and sulked out of the hospital room. Kevin and his dad were waiting for me outside the door. I fell into Kevin’s arms and said, “Why didn’t you tell me?” all he said back was, “It wasn’t my place.”
What he said was true. It was a situation for my mother and me. I stayed at the hospital waiting for my mom to wake back up. I didn’t care if I ended up staying the night there with her or if I missed school the next day. Spending time with her was the most important thing that I could do.
Kevin offered to stay with me when his dad was ready to leave, but I wanted to be with my mom alone for a while. He left and I stayed in the room with my mom with my head rested on the bed. When I came back into the room after I left earlier, my mom had many more tubes in her than before. I thought to myself, “This is it. I need to be strong for her and let her know that I will be okay.” I lay my head down yet again, closed my eyes and fell asleep.
I was woken up to a loud beeping noise and a hard cold hand on my shoulder. It was a doctor waking me up and pulling me out of the chair. I was so confused and groggy. I stood back and watched as the doctors pushed buttons and plugged things into my mom. My hand was over my mouth the whole time. The time had come for my mom. There was nothing the doctors could do to save her. I knew this was it.
I started to cry silently. Tears fell down my face in slow motion as I watched my mom’s once beautiful, lively face fade to white and lifeless. I felt a warm hand in my shoulder, it was Martha and she pulled me into a hug. She whispered in my ear, “Everything will be okay. I know it is hard to think that right now, but I promise you in time everything will get better.”
Martha was right. It was hard to believe that things would get better. The couple weeks after my mom passing drug by, and the funeral was the worst part about it. There were only a few people that came to it; me, Kevin, Martha, and Kevin’s dad. I stayed with Kevin and his dad while trying to figure out what to do with all of my mothers stuff and the house that we lived in.
I did as my mom wanted me to and called my dad. He was living in Hawaii and was married to the woman in the picture I found in his suitcase. I was informed that within a week I was going to have all my stuff packed and on a plane headed to Hawaii to live with my dad.
My life seemed like hell. I found out my dad was having an affair, my mom had cancer and died, and now I was expected to drop my life and the love that I had for Kevin to move in with my dad. I explained everything to Kevin and there was nothing we could do about it. We went over every possibility with me moving in with him and such, but the matter of fact was that I was still only 17 and unable to choose to live on my own.
After what I had been through, the heartbreak with saying goodbye to Kevin and my best friend Taylor wasn’t as hard as what I though it would be. I stood at the entry gate to my plane waving goodbye to Kevin, his father and Taylor with a fake smile on my face. They had helped me through a hard time, so I was happy to have had them there for me. But the truth of it was that I was numb from all of the pain that I had experienced.
A simple disaster such as saying goodbye to Kevin and Taylor wasn’t nearly painful enough to bring tears to my eyes. I was left with nothing to do but to accept what life had thrown at me and try to make the best of it. And now, here I am sitting in seat 34 in class C on a plane headed to Hawaii writing about my tragic life because I have nothing better to do. Every day I feel like I am healing from my mom’s passing. The wound that was so open and deep is now beginning to close. I only hope that the time I spend with my father is worth it that, that leaving my old life to start a new one is the right thing to do. Maybe a new scene is what I need. The only way to find out if this is true is to go to my dad with and open mind and an optimistic outlook on life. The truth of it is, pain is temporary and to defeat it and move on takes a lot of strength. I have confidence in myself that I can overcome this pain and continue to take what the world gives me. So until the next time something tragic happens to me, all I have left to say is a goodbye and a deep apology to whoever has taken their time to read about the tragic life of a seventeen year-old.

The End